Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Citizens of Superior. Not so Superior. Not living up to our name.

In case you don't know I happen to live in a town named Superior. Our motto happens to be "Living Up To Our Name" or that's at least what the sign says when you drive into town. The other sign says we're "Pedestrian Friendly" which I can attest to that being an absolute lie. Because crossing the street from my work to the bagel shop is like playing Frogger with your life. Nobody stops despite the fact we're next to the courthouse, police department, several law offices, and we have bright green/yellow signs that say "STOP for pedestrians". This leads me to the conclusion that:

1. Our citizens can't read road signs
2. Our citizens don't know road laws
3. We're not pedestrian friendly

You make the call.

But there are a lot of things about Superior that bug me but because I own a home with a mortgage that requires me to live in this home for the first 9 years, I'm here for at least 5 more years. And let's face it- I hate moving so you know my ass isn't going anywhere.

Those who follow me on FaceBook have read some zinger status updates about my neighborhood. I have started my little walking fitness routine which is lovely but now as it's getting colder I'm deciding that shedding body fat probably isn't a good idea. I might need it in January and all. But when I do walk I primarily walk around a 20-35 block radius of my house so I've learned amazing things about my neighbors. Such tantilizing tidbits like:

1. We have crack dealers 3 houses down from me. (the crack heads)
2. We have pot dealers on the other side from me in the other direction. (the pot heads)
3. We have what I believe to be meth dealers (not cookers, just straight up dealers) a little further down the street. (the meth dealers)
4. We have what I've referred to as the "mexicans" (and as a side note- I have no idea if they are mexican. They don't look like it, I just needed a name for them and this is what I've thought of) who ship prescription drugs like internationally. Major stuff.
5. I have a pedophile behind me who's on disability for an injured shoulder yet he can chop wood with an ax. So manly he is. He's also abusive to his kids and calls them his "little whores". Nice.
6. Across the street from him we have the Nazi's- who have a beat up piece of shit car with spray painted swastikas on it. Classy. And they are bald. Even better.
7. We have a guy that has confederate flags in all of his windows.
8. I have another drug house but I don't know what they sell. Whatever it is it's lucrative since they have a lot of cars stopping. It's like a drug drive through or something.
9. And let's not forget all the fucking punks without parental supervision being little assholes all over the neighborhood.
10. Sprinkled in between are what I refer to as "Bible Bangers". By this I mean the people who are so hard core religious that they tell you on Halloween you are going to hell with Satan because you are handing out candy therefore you are obviously supporting Satan. I don't agree, I feel like I'm supporting the neighborhood dentists. It's a recession- they need business too. I'm simply doing my part. Bitch. And get off my lawn.

Where are the police you say? Well I can't be 100% sure, but I *believe* some of our city's finest are customers of various drug dealers. They seem awfully chummy. And when I've called about suspicious activity from any of the 10 above, nothing happens. Nobody ever comes, nobody contacts me for further information, nothing. So I wonder where exactly my tax dollars are going. BUT, what I have *heard* on the street (which means pretty credible people I talk to in the "know" here) is that our city's finest partake in sex parties. Which are apparently RAMPANT in Superior. Who freaking knew?! AND, I've *heard* that if I got chummy with some people from the mom groups in town I'd get the low down. But I don't want the low down. Gross. I don't want to hear about partner swapping and diseases and who's on top and bottom, ew. It's just all very gross.

BUT. I have to say that I myself have had some really interesting things happen to me since being out in the world. AKA Superior.

1. I've had my ass slapped in the bagel shop (just this week yall!!)
2. I've been offered the job of a stripper 3 times. Once in the post office.
3. I've had 2 guys (separate occassions) ask if they could touch my boobs.
4. I've been asked out several times in gross ways.
5. I've been asked if I wanted a "walk on role" in a handmade porno movie.
6. At a bar I was asked if a guy could just have a quickie with me, and he'd be willing to pay me if that helped.

And if any of you are wondering, I never let a guy touch my boob, film me, or pay me. GROSS. And it's like basically- these are the kind of guys I attract. My favorite moment by far would be when I was visiting Matt and my mom at work. Matt was helping a guy about 10-15 feet from where I was when I heard this conversation:

Guy: "Shit- look at the chick up there. She's got some amazing fucking tits, huh?"
Matt: "Yeah. I'm lucky because that's my wife."
Guy: -silence-

The guy later came up an apologized to me when he walked by and I said, "Hope you liked what ya saw". I don't think he knew I could hear him, but he did come back and profusely apologize so I mean- what else could I say.

But yeah. Welcome to Superior. We're living up to our name. :)

1 comment:

Cristina said...

Dang. Superior sounds like an AWESOME place to live. Guess I should stop bitching about my semi-annoying neighbors; at least I don't have to deal with propositions from porn peddlers or getting my ass slapped in the coffee shop. But, then again, I don't have amazing fucking tits. :-)