Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Natural Floridian + Pisces + Grown Up =

Simple math lamb whores, what does this all add up to? It adds up to outrageous utility bills. Let me tell you that when I opened my bill for December I felt like I was being raped by Superior Water, Light & Power.
Folks, my bill for the month of December for all of my utilities was:

Electric: 119.27
Gas: 203.21
Sewage: 31.76
Water: 46.00
TOTAL: 400.24

This is huge because the previous bill was only $266.63. You might be thinking, "Holy Shit, Sara---at least your warm in your house primarily heated by gas." Well, you'd think that, logically. But no. I'm fucking freezing. It is freezing up in this bitch. My heat in the house is never above 70. And that's when we crank it to 70 after we've been hovering at 60. Once you can't stay warm by multiple layers and shoes and are contemplating wear a jacket in the house, we get crazy and crank it. But not past 70.

Now, I know you're probably thinking, "Well jeez, Sara- you must have a problem." Yes, we do. It's called not big enough furnace for square footage. You have all probably realized that I am right 99% of the time. I will admit when I am wrong because if we're being frank, and I feel we are, I'm not wrong often. So it's easy.

In 2007 Matt and I decided to put an addition on the house. It would give us a third bedroom which is our master now, and a dining room. Which we needed because the kitchen was too small to eat in. So we spent thousands of dollars putting this fabulous addition on. It took six months, my yard looked like a demolition site and this addition that doubled our square footage was up. It looks great. It is really nice to have the extra room. I also got a scrap closet out of it so that was a bonus.
During the construction I asked Matt if we needed a bigger furnace to heat the new rooms. I mean, I've watch enough HGTV and DIY to know that the furnace size has something to do with the square feet. He tells me no, we'll be fine. Um...ok. But I'm pretty sure you are wrong. Fast forward to the winter. Our house only has a crawlspace underneath, no basement. And guess what happened?? We froze our asses off. I have to have an electric space heater to heat up our room and dining room before we plan to use either.

We have heat vents. You can kind of hear the air blowing, somewhere, but nothing comes out. Because lamb whores....the furnace isn't large enough to blow enough air.

Please pause for a "Sara Was Right Moment Of Silence".

Ok. you should also know that the upstairs bedrooms (Olivia and Jackson's rooms) are not heated. They have little space heaters to heat up their room that I turn off at night when they sleep. My front and back porches are not only unheated, they are uninsulated. The insulation in the crawlspace? Needs to be replaced since it not only got wet at some point but has fallen down. Matt tells me he knew this in the summer. Just never got around to it. YAY.

The other piece that blows me away is that now?? He says we need to insulate or whatever the base of the house. By digging massive holes around the foundation. Ok wait. HOLD UP asshole. You mean to tell me that I paid $700 for someone to bring me dirt and fill in the yard that was already dug up, and then paid for seed and sod and now you want to RE-DIG IT UP? Oh the hell to the fuck no. No. You cannot do this kind of shit. You need to be organized. How hard is it to put things together in logical steps??

So because I'm a natural born Floridian and like heat I'm practically dying slowly of hypothermia. This morning when I got out of bed and shuffled to the bathroom I could see my breath. The temperature outside at 6 am was around 21 degrees. It was 49 in my house. Balmy.

And because I am a Pisces, I like water. I would live in a pool if I could. I have an actual need to live by a natural body of water. Unfortunately, Lake Superior is too damn cold. I know people swim in it and those of you who do are crazy. You need help. So because I enjoy water I take showers. At least one long one every day (after my workout).

Now that I'm a grown up, I have to pay the bills for this. And it really sucks. Now I know why my mom always complained about the water bill. Sorry, mom. So in the month of January we've turned the heat as low as we can and still be a step above living outside, no extra showers and I've reduced my laundry. The result? January's bill is.... $327.20. FUCK. So we froze and I'm going through shower withdrawls and we see barely a dent?? Not good.

This is me on my home from work today. Just a random pic to add to the post. Nevermind almost all of my makeup has worn off. Except the eyeliner on my top lid. And my lip gloss. Oh and my hair is still cute.

If you don't ever hear from me again, assume I am frozen. Mostly likely in my bed surrounded by my two cats who will be just fine with their fur as I'm huddled until 3 down comforters. It's times like this that make me wish I had footie pajamas.

(And in case you are worried- Matt and the kids are fine. They apprently thrive in cold weather. Both kids were running around in short sleeves and no socks like it's nobody's business as I'm in slippers, a robe, and thermal socks. Shivering. Clearly I'm odd man out)


Another David said...

my utilities are like $175/month and i'm still shocked every month :/

The Treadler said...

OOH Sara! Thank you for taking the time to link your posts to previous posts as I cannot believe I missed your scrap closet! (I covet your scrap closet.)

Claxton takes a very dark view on civilization every time we receive our utility bill. $40 + for water and sewage and we do not even drink from the tap...all the time threatening that he's going to move us up into Thunder Bay...

Anonymous said...

dude i'm totally with you on the whole freeze-your-ass-off-with-no-heat-to-save-money thing... i've been keeping my thermostat at 60 degrees pretty much all the time. i've been bad recently and cranked it up to 65 for two hours at a time almost every day the past week. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? no discernable change in the amount of my gas bills. last winter i cooked myself by keeping the place at 68. this year? 60. bills? same. i don't get it.

it could be worse - i used to live in an uninsulated attic of a house in cambridge, ma that was about 150 years old. compared to that, 60 degrees in my house now is downright toasty! stay warm!

Ashley said...

You need to buy everyone a snuggie!!!

Im so glad I live in an apartment where heat is included. As well as sewer and water. I pay $60 a month for electric and that is it

Chicken said...

I have the perfect solution for you. Just make sure that you're within 5 feet from your cats. The friction they create from all the humping is sure to start a fire one of these days. Put a little dry straw or old newspapers under them and a spark is bound to catch.

Sam said...

Oh man that sounds miserable! It was 33 when I got up this morning, and I know how you feel about the outrageous utility bill, ours was 382 last month, that cold snap killed me. I had the heat on CONSTANTLY so it would stay around 75 in the house. BIG MISTAKE. Last year for Christmas my friend got a onesie from her grandma, I was jealous of it. Now I think I need to buy one, and one for you too!!

Anonymous said...

Hey! I cannot imagine how cold you are because I am in South Carolina right now and I am freezing!! Our electric bill alone is usually $300.00/month and that is separate from my water/sewage; but our problem is bad windows and doors that gap.

Loved your scrap space post. I did one as well earlier this year and I love to see others' spaces. Check mine out when you can!

Organic Meatbag said...

Well fellow Pisces, I enjoy swimming and being in water too, so therefore, I take a nice hot shower soak every night, and this is the worst time of year because the hot water lasts all of 10 minutes...I am a cranky mutherfucker in the winter, when I need hot water the most...
49 degrees in your house? Fuck, maybe you could rent out your third bedroom as a morgue...allow others to store their corpses there...

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

Ugh Sara. That sucks hard. I hate cold too. When we were at my sister in laws on Saturday I was freezing my butt off because it was only 61 in there. Yucky.

Jenn said...

Sick. Just sick. When I was living in my old apartment we never fought about temp because there was no way to regulate it and no a/c. It was hot all the time. Now there is A/C and we fight constantly. I NEED warmth.

SurferWife said...

Well, that really blows. I hate feeling cold. Hate it. Which is why I have never moved outside of So Cal.

Is it weird that I get all tingly when you call me 'lambwhore'?