Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Sara Rocking The Treadmill (also known as the fuckmill)

I think we are all familiar with the state of my fat ass. I may not be huge by social standards but this is huge to me. I never used to be this way in fact I was pretty damn cute back in the day. And it wasn't THAT far back in the day but it was kind of far. Like senior year in high school far. When I worked at Dairy Queen I was pretty skinny considering that I ate ice cream and fast food for like every meal. And when I worked at Culvers I was even skinnier. Granted I was working easily 50 hours a week plus in college full time, breaking up with a serious boyfriend, moving back home, and yah. I never ate. I was a size 10 and it was awesome. I was still curvy but in no way chunky. I've got hips and I love them. I have boobs and well- we know the situation there. A little smaller would be better.

Now since all of that I've gotten married, had babies and am now an adult. Which means working a desk job with little to no physical activity (except for the "lifting 50+ pounds" as recorded on my job description which I have yet to do). But I have to confess one of my biggest fears to you. (Aside from being kidnapped, murdered, butchered, etc) Developing what I refer to as "secretary's ass".

You know what I'm talking about.

We've all been to a place (doctor's office, school, public health department, etc) where the secretary has a huge ass. And when she stands up it's like a fucking shelf back there. Like someone else could set their coffee cup up on there and have it go nowhere. And then they have to get the special ergonomically correct chairs that have the extra room for their double wide ass.

I can't let that happen.

but hello- I'm a secretary. (really my title is "Program Coordinator" but let's call a spade a spade, shall we? I'm a secretary. I'm like Pam on The Office. But way cooler and cuter). AND if you recall my 30/30 list you'll remember that my goal is to lose at least 15 pounds AND wear a bikini. In public. WITHOUT a coverup of some sort. Yeah. Well we've got a ways to go before we do that. As I told Steph from not the oxygen on FaceBook the other day, some days I feel like Free Willy. Like a cow who got lost in the wrong pasture. I know I don't look like this... ...but some days I feel like it.

So in order to fix all of this, I have purchased myself a treadmill. I had only been on a treadmill once with my failed YMCA membership ($178 down the toilet. Because I never went after my first time). And I had rocked it out for an hour and then almost passed out I was so dizzy. Because you see I must have bizarre vertigo or something because if I'm on something moving apparently I get all dizzy. Yah- you should see me on moving sidewalks. I look like I've had a few too many. But I figured in my own house it's totally ok to stagger around like a drunk.

Matt went and got it, carried it in (which was funny watching him haul the box in...hehe) and then assemble it. He does all of this while the kids and I use crayons to decorate the box and watch Kings of Leon Live at the O2. Fun.

I can't exercise in front of people because I feel all dumb which probably a result of making an ass out of myself in gym class all those years, so I kicked Matt out of our room so I could rock it out on the 'mill.

So I start out. I decide that 1 and 2 mph is for pussies. I'm better than that. So I jack it up to 3mph. I'm doing this for like 20-30 minutes and think, this is bullshit. Let's try 4mph. What happened is very close to this video. But I didn't fall. I almost did. But I did grab onto the curtain and totally slide off.

Thankfully I wasn't hurt, my curtains (and rod) are still intact, and most importantly- there were no witnesses.

I've done the fuckmill (because it's become somewhat torture to exercise daily...fuck you genetics) every day for at least 30 minues. I can get 1.5 miles in 27 minutes. Which is pretty good. I don't think the pulse checker do-da is right because it's got my pulse at 50 to 178 in the span of five minutes. Either this isn't accurate at all or I need to see a doctor. Or a cardiologist.

I know I'm not going to be super skinny. I don't expect to even get into my 10's again. BUT I do expect to lose some weight. I'd like to feel comfortable with myself again. I'd like to wear skirts and show off my legs. Because I have great legs. I'd also like to not feel like Free Willy. Or look like a beached whale when I walk out in my bikini.


Ashley said...

I wish I could fit into my 10s... it was not that long ago!!

Anonymous said...

Hey girl! Don't give up on the fuckmill. They do their best to attempt to kick your ass on a regular basis...eventually they're forced to give up :) Keep at it!

Anonymous said...

how on earth do you manage to have two kids, read books, run on the fuckmill, and be so fucking funny whenever you post anything?!?! hats off to you lady... you're amazing!

Jen Mc said...

You go girl - I too am doing what I can to avoid the 'secretary sally'. I'm hear for ya!

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

Ugh. Before I met Dustin I was a size 2 to 4, depending on the week. These days there is no way in hell I would tell ANYONE what size I fit into. It's men. They screw everything up!

Christina said...

Good Luck! I wish I had a treadmill at home instead I have to get my ass out of bed and go to the gym.

Keep it up and you will meet your goals!! You could always buy workout videos from me... LOL!

Anonymous said...

Oh man i was just about to go on my eliptical...

Jandy xx said...

aww woman, youre as hot as they get! but i'm with determined2fly, don't give up on the fuckmill just yet! at least let it help you loose a little bit, then you might learn to love it!!! ahh, who am i kidding, treadmills suck... get out in that snow to exercise... you might even freeze your boobies off... bonus!!!! xx and thanks again for my package, youre the awesomest! xx

Ann said...

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I love that your labels for this post include "Fat ass" and "Dying." You crack me up!

Julie H said...

I need to get back to my couch 2 5k

Unknown said...

Oh treadmills... I feel your pain lol I find myself running in bad weather just to avoid them. There is something about working really hard and staying in one place that just gets to me.

Do you have a TV by your treadmill? You could watch one of your favorite shows or if you have an ipod music can really help. Oh and sometimes the heart rate things on exercise equipment can be thrown off by wedding rings, so if you were wearing a ring that could be the issue with the strange hear rates :)

Besides my normal blog, I also have a nutrition blog with a few tips that might come in handy if you ever want to check it out


Chicken said...

Apparently the fuckmill was testing you to see what you're made of. You need to show that thing who is boss! But before you do don't forget to attach the little emergency stop string to yourself.

Sam said...

Holy cow, I watched that video twice and laughed till I cried both times!! Did you dance around it for a few minutes like that?? I think I will dance before I get on any exercise machine, just in case I fuck up, I just play it off by keeping dancing. Dude, get a TV and dvd player to put next to your treadmill and ill buy you S2 of True Blood. I bet you will work out longer than 30 minutes and get back into your size ten before you know it!! ;) Hey I just finished the first book. 14 hours. It was that good.

Crystal Escobar said...

haha, you are seriously HILARIOUS!!!!
I just came across your blog now, and just LOVE it, so I'm going to follow you :)
It's crazy how are we can eat like crap when we're young and not put on a pound, but oh does it catch up with us, especially after kids.
Picturing you on the treadmill almost falling off made me laugh out loud, hah.
You should seriously try cleansing. I have had amazing results with it myself, lost 25 lbs and have kept it off between babies for 6 years (I cleanse every 3-6 months as maintenance), check out my Nutritional Cleanse tab on my blog.

Anonymous said...

Great post and good luck with the fuckmill.

I love that video!! I laugh hysterically when his shoes go flying off! I could watch it 100 times!!

TheBigShowAtUD said...

haha. very funny. i'm sure you'll maintain your Pam-from-The-Office figure without worrying.

but don't worry. i'll read your blog no matter what your desk job does to you. ;)