Monday, March 1, 2010

The Head Bitch is ALMOST 28. Which Means Possibly Free Shit For You. Holla.

Edited to Add: Push play on the playlist to your right. It will enhance this post in particular. :)

I don't know if you remember how much I don't like Oprah (especially her horrible fucking book club picks) but yeah- I don't like that chick. I mean she's loud, obnoxious, can't decide whether to just be fat or stop eating the god damn cupcakes, and she is so condescending. AND she has nasty feet.

I mean jesus. Either get that shit fixed or don't wear sandals. And for christ sakes- stop wearing the heels, yo. I've seen farm animals with better feet.


This post is not about Oprah or her nasty feet. It's about me. Because it's my blog and I'm turning 28 next week, yo! March 10 is when my mother birthed me (thanks, mom) and ever since then I've been wowing the world with my potty mouth and inappropriate comments. Not to mention my "you can't make this shit up" life events. Someday, I will be famous. Someday you will see me on the Today Show telling Meredith Viera how I really feel she needs plastic surgery. And that maybe using a voice box would be better than the voice she's got going on now.

So on whatever day it was, I mentioned I was going to do a giveaway for my lamb whores and goat sluts (which is what I'm going to call my male followers and fucking perverts that keep emailing me disgusting questions) to show you how much I appreciate you. But because it's all about me, and I'm better than Oprah (except I'm not rich or famous) it's going to be the:

SARA'S FAVORITE THINGS giveaway, bitches! (start your incessant screaming and flailing now...)

What will you get if you win??

  • some of my favorite lotion (and it's not a pissy girl smell either goat sluts)
  • something from my favorite movie
  • my favorite candy (2 kinds, even)
  • my favorite car smelly thing because nobody wants a rank ass smell up in your wheels
  • the best fucking soap ever. And use it. Nobody likes when you have stinky hands.
  • one of my favorite things to do inside or out.
  • ONE lucky bitch will win a full size of my favorite scent (that matches the lotion)
  • a secret goodie or few.
  • a personalized note from your Lamb Leader.

How do you win?

  • Must be a follower. Duh.
  • Pimp me out on your blog.
  • Post a comment on THIS thread telling me how fabulous I am. (ok, so that's not totally a requirement, but it'd be nice. It IS my birthday, hello)

Giveaway Deadline is: FRIDAY, MARCH 5TH

How will I draw winners?

  • There will be THREE winners for this. Oh yes- I'll give you a minute to dry your panties.
  • I hate the random number generator because that's more work for me. I didn't have kids to be doing more work. SO I will write all entries on paper and make my daughter Olivia draw. Then take pictures of her holding the name, hopefully not crying. No guarantees on the no crying, though.
  • I will post the winners on Saturday morning because I'll be too busy on Friday to deal with this. I'm going to see Alice in Wonderland. Clearly, you see my priorities.
  • Packages will be mailed on March 8 (that'd be the Monday, lambs and goats) so you can enjoy your shit in time for my birthday on Wednesday.
  • And I will ship internationally because now that I have mastered it and I like to keep the post office on their toes I'm opening it up for everyone. Except hi- you need to have an actual address. A box will go nowhere with an addy like, "third hut on the right". OK??

Is this unclear for you? Do you have questions? Well I can't help you because this is all pretty self explanatory. I mean seriously. Reading comprehension is a good skill to have. Life lesson, yo.

Good luck lambs and goats!


Angela said...

I'm already a follower...
and I definitely think you're fabulous. Who else would I let call me their little lamb whore?

Miranda said...

Ok so here's the brutal honesty bit: I'm a giveaway hooo-uuurrr so I picked up on the bait you so fabulously dangled on the 20sb page and voila! Here I am... ashamed that I'm a giveaway sucka but I can't lie to someone I just met can I?

Anyways, I generally forego love at first sight but dammit your profanity has turned me into a 7th grader with a crush. So I hope we can be friends, pretty please? And HOLLA FOR BIRTHDAYS!! I'm personally a fan of WEEK long birthdays and cause my husband to hate me the ENTIRE month of September.. its magical.

I'm not only gonna hustle my sweet ass back to my blog and pimp you out hardcore but, and here's the part where my palms get sweaty... I'd love for you to slam some profanity at the walls on my blog so HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!! Pick a day and dammit lets spotlight ya over at Hells yeah! I hope you'll accept. I really really do! And if this comment gets any longer I might have to start deleting parts so adios.

Brunch girls said...

Hahaha wow we agree 100 percent on Oprah! Nice blog!

DrBrainspiller said...

Hey Sara. It's Dr Brainspiller. I've tried to post once already, so if you get duplicates I'm sorry. I'm not entering the competition, but I will definitely pimp your blog on mine on your birthday! Happy Birthday for the 10th!. x

Danielle said...

I am commenting not only because I fucking LOVE YOU and wish that you lived close enough that we could be "actual friends" but you are "friend in my mind" as Wendy Williams says ... I LOVE her ... she's actually going to be in my next blog so get familiar!!! But I also love the fact that you said don't send me an address that says "third hut on the right!" LOL!

And I'm totally with ya on your feet issue ... NASTY! lol! Enjoy your birthday!

PS the Alice in Wonderland thing scares me and makes me mad ... they ruined Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and now they're doing the same thing with Alice ... ughhh it bothers me ... Johnny Depp should have stayed as a damn pirate.

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

Oh Sara. Of course I want to win. 'Cause I love free stuff. I already follow you, of course. And I think you're one cool chick. And, of course, I will be pimping your blog tomorrow!

Anonymous said...

I am leaving you a comment here as well. I will come right out and say I want to win something....anything....I suck at winning something, so I always try. I will win something one day I am maybe this will be my lucky day. Oh, and I will totally blog about you, and I promise not to make you Douchebag of the Month ( my new first of the month blog post from now on).


Sara Strand said...

@Angela- are you lobbying for top lamb whore? Because you are doing well.

@BrunchGirls- Oprah sux fan club-- holla!

@Miranda- you bet baby! I sent ya an email.

@Danielle- the next time I come south I'll try to hit you up. :)

@Brainspiller- I feel like we'd have a connection. You would likely get me in big time trouble, but I'm cool with that. Friendship bracelets! HAHA!!

@Krysten- when you get back from being a lucky bitch on vacay, we are getting together. Fo Sho.

@Amber- 2 is my lucky number. Do me on 2! (Wow- that sounded dirty.)

Green Stone said...

Can I join in because I wuuuv you?

Toulee said...


3.Slang. very impressive:

This has to be my favorite one from It is really our lamb leader in a nutshell. I guess I'm classified as a goat now? Hehe. I will post your blog on my facebook and see how many new followers I can get you. You usually have good content and your book reviews have been very helpful to myself and I'm sure others as well. Oh and you have nice boobs.

Jandy xx said...

so, i pimped out your blog, i sang your praises, gimme the stuff!! hehe love ya guts, you know that! (there is a special mention for you on my blog lamb leader xx)

The Insatiable Host said...

Um, YOU HAVE AN ECLIPSE COUNTDOWN...we are offically soulmates! I dont make out with chicks, but in this case I may...

so I am stopping by your blog for the first time ever thanks to Miranda at Ink on my Sleeve and I am soo glad that I did. Not only are you friggen hilarious, you are doing a fuckin rad giveaway...and I am confident that others will win, as my lucky horseshoe is shoved up someone else's ass, I am excited for them!

anyhow, love it all, will flash some badge and here's my link and stuff



Unknown said...

Sara- You are the f-ing bomb, the f-ing shit, the f-ing queen of the f-word! I frickin love your blog and how frank you never fails to crack me up. I absolutely love the "f" word but have managed to keep it out of my blog due to my position in the community.

So tell that chicky baby girl of yours to pick my name! ERIN or check me out at

ps. I'm new to blogging and already follow you but have no idea how to Pimp you on my blog. Happy to pimp you!!!

Tammy said...

Oprah is such a waste of space on this planet.

And happy early birthday!!! Woot!

SpiritPhoenix said...

Love yout blog! I'm already a follower and I have properly pimped you out.

Anonymous said...

So, awesome. I just started following you on Thursday or Friday, so that's great that you're already having a give away just for me. Yippee skippee. Also. I didn't realize you have kids. And I love the name Olivia.

Snoozie said...

I am a follower, I don't have a blog to pimp you on but I can on FACEBOOK if we become FRIENDS!!! AND I think you are the cutest, funniest and most REAL blogger out there.

I just stumbled across your blog while bored at work one day shhh don't tell anyone and you seriously have me cracking up.

I love the way you explain things- I so GET IT !!!


Chicken said...

I think that you're awesome and the funniest chick I know. I will be a lamb whore for life! And I'm not just saying that to win some lotions...ok maybe a little. I need to know what Olivia loves so I can bribe her.

Jenn said...

If there is only one thing I learned at university (and I'm pretty sure it was just this one thing) is that Free Shit is Good Shit. It doesn't matter if you used the soap, collected the bubbles and are sending the winners soap crust...Free Shit is Good Shit. I'll take it. I would love to be one of the three lamb whores who win.

Sara said...

Your cussing cracks me up! And the lamb whore tickles me every time. :D Great giveaway! I'm an Aries too. March 26.

____j said...

I'm a follower.

I pimped your give away.

and I think you're fabulous [obviously].

Lin said...

You're totally fabulous & that's why I"m a follower!

Another David said...

I wrote a poem.

Your name is Sara
Your blog is really awesome
Kaleidoscopes rule

E said...

pssh, you know I am a follower. And you are totally badass. In fact I believe I mentioned that even your boobs are part of your awesomeness. Just saying, yo. :)

Shandi said...

oh ya! i'm following...i've pimped you on my bloggity blog and i totally dig your blog and love the way you talk dirty. ;)

hope i win.

Julie H said...

I want free stuff!!

You already know I think your the bomb!!

Gawd I'm almost 10 years older than you! Let me find my cane...

Already follow you and have you on facebook so I just need to blog about you. I'll do that tomorrow since I'm on my phone and I'm a tard when it comes to blogging on it!

Mr O said...

Let me get in this shit!

"Why I Think I Should Win This Giveaway: A short story by me"

Because you robbed me of the last giveaway I was entered in.

Because you're awesome, but yet I am also awesome. Though not as awesome but they are goals we must have right?

Because as soon as I read "favorite things" I started singing the song from Sound of Music.

Because I want to.

The end.

Sara Strand said...

@Kate- YES!

@Toulee- boob compliments don't mean extra entries. Nice try, tho. ;)

@Jandy- loves you!

@Host- I thought it said "I'd flash some vag" and I was like -whoa..I prefer peen. Thankfully I re-read it.

@Erin, E, Shandi, Julie, Snoozie- hi, new friend. I will take you with me.

@publicknitting- yes people usually gasp when tehy realize my potty mouth is a mom. Holla.

@Jenn- free shit is always good shit.

@chicken- barbies and lady gaga.

@___j- mwah!

@David- my first poem! Please know if you ahve a weird lady screaming "poem!" on your porch in's probably me. Let's wander around and find midgets!

@MrO- honey you weren't robbed. You won the grand prize of being my bestie. And main goat slut. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?! I can't force Olivia to chose. Now if I put your name on an Anberlin cd, she'd pick it. But that's cheating. ;) HAHA!!

Fuegita said...

I'm a follower!! You rock! Oprah should have some kind of sock or shoe surgically attached to her feet so no one has to ever see that nasty shit again.

SurferWife said...

alright already. ALRIGHT. Eff, dude. I don't need Lamb other all up in my Kool-Aid calling me stupid.

You know I am a follower because we have agreed to get matching monogrammed pocket rockets.

Unknown said...

I heard about you from Mrs. Chicken. She is sooo right, you are funny as hell. Hope you have a great birthday!!!

Nikolett said...

I decided to sign up for this because you said I would be a loser if I didn't. Plus, you are awesome and you sent me that beautiful stationary when you completely didn't have to and for that, I am very glad you were born and agree that you are fabulous haha. Annd I am totally a follower :) Happy happy early birthday!

Veronica M. D. said...


I love you long time. And I pimped you out on my blog ( And, of course, I am a follower. Done, done, and DONE. Giveaway ENTERED. (Now tell that daughter of yours to draw MY name).

Specific Ramblings said...

I bow! I bow! Let the beatings stop!!! : )

Specificramblings@blogspot is my blog. Stop in!