Friday, April 2, 2010

Walmart Sucks. Unless Your White Trash and/or Fat

I will just state for the record right here and right now- that if you ever see me at Walmart it's because Target, Kohl's, the mall, ShopKo and K-mart don't have what I'm looking for. I live the closest to a Walmart, a Walmart SuperCenter to be specific, but I cannot stand going there.

I don't get on the bandwagon of "they pay horrible wages" because let's be real? How many of you are wearing Nikes? You pay good money for those but you can guarantee those workers aren't gettig paid well at all, in fact they aren't even American. I mean shit- Walmart hires mostly Americans but you still can't understand a damn thing they say. No just because they maybe don't speak English but because they either have a speech delay/impediment, chew in their mouths, or they just never made it past a third grade speaking level.

And everytime I go into Walmart I feel dirty and disgusting. Yes, it's greatly improved since they tore down a perfectly fine building to put another one on top of the location where the old was, it's just facing a different direction and larger. Because now the trailer courts face Walmart so apparently- that's more appropriate. But you go in there and realize that you are probably the cleanest person in there.

Today I had to go to Walmart. Our grocery store in town is undergoing a major renovation which looks great, by the way. I needed to get the stuff to make a salad for a bridal shower tomorrow and the thought of going to Duluth for some vegetables seems a bit ridiculous. (But I would be lying if I said the thought didn't cross my mind.) There are other grocery stores in Superior but they are all dirtier than Walmart which is no easy task and they usually have nothing that isn't in the last stages of death. So after dinner I grabbed my purse, my list, and my coupons, and went to Walmart.

As soon as I got in there I realized that I was grossly overdressed in my blue jeans and sweater. It hit a whopping 53 degrees here today and it rained so of course (!!!) you'd logically put on shorts and flip flops. And neglect to wash your feet. Now I'm sorry. But the last thing I want to see when I'm looking at fresh produce is stank ass feet that have not been washed in days. And I mean DAYS, people. There is NO WAY your feet get that dirty going through a puddle. Even a hundred puddles. This is dried, caked on dirt all up in their nails, etc. It's disgusting.

The other trend I notice is out of control children. Now almost every where you go you see kids running fancy free, screaming at the top of their lungs and telling their mom to "shut the fuck up" when she tells him to "get back here you little son of a bitch". The fact that she screams loud enough for a super center to hear her while swearing at her kid AND insulting herself is astonishing. But tonight at Walmart there were at least, and I can't even exaggerate this, 24 kids running free. Under the age of 10. All with cell phones and one playing with a lighter. Now let me tell you something. First off if I EVER asked my parents for a cell phone under the age of 18 (and I did this and this is the response I got) they would tell me that I don't need one. When I played the argument of "what if I get lost? Or kidnapped? Or need to call you?" I got the standard, "Well to ease my worries you won't be going anywhere." BURN. But Jesus H. Christ I saw a kid the age of my daughter, almost 5, with a fucking cell phone. What the hell parents??

My favorite trend is by far the fat people on the motorized carts. I saw two fat women fight over a motorized cart. Walmart was down to one left and these women fought over it. Fought over who was fatter. Who's disability check is larger. Really? Maybe, and this is just a crazy thought, but MAYBE you should walk through the store. The calorie loss might help you out. I'm not expert, but the fuckmill is working for me so I have to think there's something behind that.

So the fatter of the two got the cart with the other one stomping (more like shuffling) off to the parking lot. So fat lady is riding the cart like it's her own pimp mobile straight to the food section. And not just ANY part of the food section. No. She stops off at the bakery for a cake and donuts. Then she went down to the lunch meat area and got summer sausage. I lost track of her then, but by god she was right behind me in line. Obviously they only have one cashier working in a super center so here's this woman with a motorized cart basket full of shit food. Food that will probably kill her later on. She's got chips, candy, ice cream, milk, a shit ton of cat food, a ton of Cool Whip, and then she bought a ton of the angel food cake cup things- but no strawberries. Oh- and don't let me forget the Milwaukee Best beer. All 5 cases of it. Again, I'm no expert but I think someone has some serious issues. Meanwhile she's all wheezing up behind me and then she starts the coughing.

I am not joking when I saw I felt wetness on my hand. Because of course I have no cart/basket- I'm just waiting my turn and she's coughing up a lung and I felt it. So I did what any normal hand santizing mother would do.

I turned around and said, "Hi. Have you heard of H1N1? Because I'd like not to get sick. Cover your fucking mouth when you hack up a lung. That's fucking disgusting." She just looked at me as if this was some new concept. As if I had just invented a god damn time machine in front of her.

The cashier was nice but had no idea what to do with a coupon. When I tried explaining you just scan it- she's looking at me like I am sprouting a leg out of my head. So I had to actually scan the damn thing myself. I also can't stand how they put one thing in a bag. They put my cucumber in it's own bag but piled everything else into the other bag. WTF? How is THAT going green?? And she seemed really offended when I just put my cucumber back into the one bag. Like dang lady- I don't want two bags. Shit. I've got 4 items, two bags seems a bit ridiculous.

And then I almost got run over by someone who thinks stop signs with the white line border are optional. Yay for Walmart.

You'll notice I'm leaving out the ridiculously obese people in spandex. White spandex with leopard print thongs. Fashion DON'T.


Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

Ugh. I HATE Walmart. First of all, the Walmart closest to us is a DEATH TRAP. I am PETRIFIED of the parking lot (which isn't actually saying much because I'm petrified of most of the parking lots in Hudson - because whoever designed the parking lots was obviously wasted and high). And Walmart is just dirty. I can never find anything I'm looking for and the store is always in a constant state of disarray. HATE IT.

Now Target... that place is my second home.

Angela said...

The entire time I'm reading this, all I can think of is
Pretty much the best website ever!

The Walmarts in my city don't seem to be that awful (thank God!). Since we don't have Target, I suppose Walmart is the next best thing!

Sarah said...

One day at Walmart here in Duluth, I saw a woman in a grungy t-shirt and she was generally dirty, but her boobs were especially dirty. ????

Sara Strand said...

@Krysten- I love Target so much. I really should/could live there. Did you know Target in Duluth has a grocery store??? HEAVEN.

@Angela- I'm convinced that 90% of that website is from the Duluth/Superior area.

@Sarah- you live in Duluth? Because I'm in Superior! We're neighbors!!

Lin said...

lol, sounds almost exactly like my visit there tonight. I swear I despise that store! I would've gone to Target but the nearest one is 25 minutes away & I just needed laundry detergent. Next time I'll be more than willing to waste the gas.

Anonymous said...

Girl, you KNOW I love the Wal-Mart.....(sarcastic font needed here). I even did an "Ode to People of Wal-Mart" on my own site.

I am glad to hear you have your own set of freaks where you live. It is doubly bad here in the South were even the Target is full of's just that Wal-Mart has the worst of the worst.

no said...

I'm sad to admit, but WalMart is like my second home.

Actuary Mom said...

I'm totally with you on this, wal-mart is gross!! I am totally on team target.

Green Stone said...

If you haven't already, you need to see People of Walmart.

Ps: 'You're', not 'Your'.

Petulia said...

I haven't set foot in Walmart in a year now because I got sick of the power tripping floor managers giving me hell over coupons. Love the new grocery section at Target in Duluth...wish they would consider renovating Superior.

Cheesecake! said...

It's "you're" white trash.

Sorry but I had to do that, I feel you're overreacting. But then again, there are no Walmarts in India, but then again I've gone to a lot of places that are worse.

Lady Grey said...

I with you girl, I only go into WM if I don't get it at Target. I also cannot fathom how inside the store it is just another world, where do these people live when they are not in the store?

Gini said...

Wul-Murt is fucking nasty.

Sam said...

Dang, my comment didn't post the other night!! I was going to say that I had gone to Walmart the same night you posted this to buy binoculars and some trashy ass redneck walked up and said, "you gettin them there by-noc-yew-lars to do some people watchin with?", I replied, "uhh, no sir, its for my bird watching class, have a good night!!" and I ran like hell. The walmart here is SCARY. Especially if your there alone.

Sara said...

Don't be a hater! hahahahah! It sounds like an awesome Walmart.

Amber said...

I try to go freak watching at Walmart at least once a week.

Makes me feel better about myself!

Vanessa Rogers said...

Your walmart has way more going on than in mine! Someone should make a movie of the events that happen there :)