Monday, May 17, 2010

No Spanx You

First off- I'm sorry I'm being all MIA and shit. Seriously. I have had a REALLY rough last week which started from Monday and continued until yesterday. I mean, eventually I'll write all about it but I'm still trying to get things under control up in here.


So I have to post about this because it's bothered me for awhile.
Every time I go into a store specifically geared to women I inevitably find the rack holding Spanx or other body shapers. And it drives me nuts. I think the concept is so ridiculous that I have no idea why any self respecting woman would go for this.
For the men in the world who have not been duped by a Spanx or the women who never leave their homes- Spanx and body shapers basically "firm up" your boobies and make them look more perky. They slim out your mid section so any evidence of having a child or eating lunch has disappeared. They sometimes squeeze your thighs which if we're being honest- shouldn't be all out in the wind anyways.
I mean look at this:

Is it just me or does this woman instantly look like a man? No woman looks attractive when it appears that she may actually be a transvestite. Now don't get me wrong- I love me some gays, lesbians, transvestites, etc. I love them all and they are fabulous. But this isn't right.

I do not have a flat stomach. Honestly- I don't know if I ever did. If I did I certainly don't remember it. But you wouldn't know it because I? Know how to shop FOR MY SIZE. Take the woman in the picture above. Really? If you don't have a flat stomach you do one of two things: find a better cut dress or buy the next size up. Don't squeeze into something that doesn't flatter your body type and then complain about being fat.

When I go shopping I try everything on. There's this whole routine I do. Pants? Try them on- look in a mirror over every angle at least twice. Sit down- evaluate how I look sitting down. With legs crossed and uncrossed. Is there a gap in the back? Do my thighs look big? Do my legs look short? When I sit does it make my stomach roll?

If it's a shirt I try it on and evaluate all angles and the sit down test. I bend over (how much of a show am I going to give?), I jump around, I do light jogging in place- how does the bra placement and boobs look after activity? Does the shirt ride up? Does it come to the middle of my ass? I do windmills with my arms- can I even move my arms?

All of this. Before I buy the damn thing. I won't wear shirts that make my stomach look big or make it look like I have a roll (which is gone when I stand up now..thank you fuckmill). I am ubber picky about skirts/dresses. I have short legs so I don't want to look stumpy.

I am convinced if the women of America would just stop obsessing over the number on their clothes we wouldn't need Spanx. I have 3 different pant sizes- depends on where I shop. Same with shirts, it is a different size depending on the cut and where I am buying it.

And I've always wanted to ask a guy- have you ever taken a chick home wearing a Spanx? How does sex work? Obviously if it were me I'm not undressing in front of a guy if I'm wearing control top anything or any kind of body shaper. Those are hideous and frankly, they are scary. I am sure that you could break a rib if you put one on that is a size too small. But let's say you are with this chick- super hot in the club. You think she is all that AND a bag of chips. Not even the .50 fun size bag but like the .99 bag of chips. You take her home..or're getting frisky. She takes off her shirt and BAM! Three sizes of fat comes pouring out. Do you stop? Make up a story about how this obviously isn't going to work out? Or do you just finish it out thinking you've been deceived? And you know you have some Bel Biv Devoe going through your head (that girl is poison...) (is that in your head? Mine too. My bad.)

And really? Aren't you (talking to you, ladies) setting yourself up to have a low self esteem moment? You KNOW that guy is going to gasp. Just like when you gasp when he takes his pants off. You try not to but sometimes it just comes out. I would rather learn how to buy the correct size for me so I look really good in the clothes I have and then let my partner know exactly what he's working with. I mean, it's only right.

So I'd love to hear what other people think about this.


Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

My favorite is that in that before picture she's not wearing a bra. Um. Even WITHOUT Spanx you're going to look better if you wear a bra. Well, at least I am. WTF. They act like Spanx is the big reason her boobs are all lifted and perky. Um, nope. It's because before you WEREN'T WEARING A BRA. My boobs are big and they tend to hang too if they're not locked and loaded into a bra. Duh.


Sam said...

I don't judge by just looks, i'm big on the whole "you have to have a brain too" so the whole "BAM! Three sizes of fat comes pouring out" would take me by surprise, but wouldn't be a deal breaker. Obviously she had other things going for her rather than her body, or she wouldn't be at my place. :) With guys, things may be different, i'm interested in what others have to say.
And also, I hope things are going well for you, good luck with everything!

Shanel said...

I think spanx are fine for hiding those less desirable parts of the body... I have a pair and there are a couple of dresses that I wear them with... I'm a size 14 and I've very self conscious about my belly... it's never been flat my whole life... but I'm working on it... 3-4 days a week at the husband calls them spandex and he could care less if I wear them... he loves my body no matter what I'm not generally opposed to any product that makes a woman feel better about herself:)

Kelly said...

i don't know..i'm okay with them if they're helping me look hotter and possibly get laid. hopefully it's dark while i'm peeling it off. plus once they're off and i'm laying in the bed, I'd look hot laying down, as Chelsea would say, my most flattering position. :)

Morgan said...

I have spanx, well Target's version, and I love them! The only time I ever wear them is to work, though. They make my pencil skirt (that fits just fine without them) look even better.

They are a full pantyhose that goes up to right below my bra so really, the skirt or dress option at work is all I use them for. Never wear pantyhose otherwise.

I would NEVER wear them out to the club - how the hell is a girl supposed to get her groove on in those? Definitely makes you feel constricted.

Another great use - weddings!

So, while not great for everyday or prowling the town, they do have some perfect scenarios.

Leanne said...

LOVE this post - you caught my attention because I've been on the anti-spanx campaign for some time. (I blogged about my non-love for them last year: Yes, I call them the Anti-Christ. I still believe they are. And I agree with oh-so-many of your points here. I'm chubby. I am. This is me. Take me or leave me, but by GOD, don't Spanx me! ;)

Ashley said...

Oh man. It's been a long time since I've heard "all that and a bag of chips."

This was a great post, BTW.

Karls said...

Dude! I love me some sausage skin. I wear them under dresses that I'd usually have to wear a singlet. I think I must have a pretty lame one, cause it doesn't really make a lick of difference, just makes me a little bit smoother around the undie and bra line. After I eat a big meal, I do feel like a hot dog that's burst open from the inside - hence the name sausage skin.

Thankfully, Micko knows what he's getting in for the second I peel that thing off. Boom!

Anonymous said...

You are so fucking right on the mark with this one, girl. I NEVER wear a shirt that shows my rolls, a pair of pants that look like I am poured into them or anything that makes me look unflattering.

I am sooo incredibly picky about clothing and I always want to look decent and put together. My little sister, who is like 120 lbs or whatever, said to me a few years back that she wished she was MY size so she could wear the clothes I do and look as nice as I do? I am like WTF????

I told her to fuck off.

Sara said...

I have considered them for special events like weddings and funerals. Tried wearing a version of one once and it was only good in that it was nice not to flash my ass when my skirt flew up cause it was one of those shorts to the boobs thingamajobs. The wedding guests were thrilled I'm sure. I just blogged about my tummy roll and well, I'm okay with it cause I ain't doing nothing about it despite my best intentions. :S Great post. Hope this week is better.

deannaburasco said...

All I can say is that is one hideous dress that chick is wearing. I don't think there is anything that could make it look good. I don't have an opinion on Spanx, although if I weren't married and I dated a guy who I thought was really buff, then realized he was wearing spanx and wasn't really that buff...hmmm, I'm not sure about that. I do think that people should pay more attention to what fits their body, regardless of what size it is...

Julie H said...

I've never tried them. I've heard they are pretty uncomfortable though!

Kind of reminds me of the whole "Bridge Jones' Diary" when she's trying to decide between the sexy panties and the hold them in panties.

Josie said...

YES! People need to know how to dress for their body! My best friend is almost twice my size (when I'm not prego) and she buys the same sizes as me! Just yesterday she put on a tank top and goes "It was a gift from my mom and she bought it a size to big, but it looks okay, right?" I just said, "Uh-huh." It was probably actually like 3 sizes to small, but how are you supposed to tell your best friend that?

MrsDixon said...

Let me just tell you about how stupid the thigh spanx are and how I refuse to wear them....Because if your thighs are large enough to be wearing them, like mine, then your upper thighs touch, and the things make swooshing sounds with every step as your thighs brush together....NOT OK!

Ruth said...

About the guy taking a chick wearing spanx home- exactly what I said to my husband when I saw the ad for those new Bombshell bras that add 2 cup sizes to the boobage.

Anonymous said...

Ha! I confess I have me some Spanx.. I got them to wear to my husbands class reuniion last year and ya they don't make me look thinner, but they do smooth out the wrinkles.

So when I bought them, there was a Male sales clerk who was gay (and I too am ok with some gay cause they can have great fashion sense) And he proceded to tell me how he wears his Spanx all the time and never goes without them... I didn't even know what to say.. this is the same one who was there to fit me for my bra...can we say awkward.

Danielle said...

Okay so right after I had JC I had a big event to go to with my parents and I bought this really cute black dress that fit like a glove ... first one I tried on and it was THE one! Well, when we got home my mom brings in this body suit looking thing and says to try it under my dress because I was a little self conscious of my belly ... it was still a little bit jiggly ... which is to be expected since JC was only 2 months old. Anyways, I put the damn thing on ... barely because it could hardly get on since it was so rubbery and weird, I had it on for about 5 minutes and I started to sweat. I mean SWEAT so much. It was disgusting. I started to peel it off, and my mom was like what are you doing? You don't like it? I said no, I don't like the feeling of it and I don't like the fact that I'm literally sweating like a $3 whore in church ... thanks I'll pass and if my belly jiggles, then by god that's just what it does! So I agree with you! While there are times it may be necessary to give you a boost of confidence, it's not meant to squeeze you from a size 12 to a size 6! :)

Nikolett said...

I am applauding you right now - I think it's ridonkulous how everyone turns to Spanx ... even the spelling of it makes me shudder, it sounds like some rape-date drug or something. Instead of shoving away every bit of meat we have in some uncomfortable-looking thing, we should - do as you said, find something that flatters us or go a size above. I think there's nothing worse than a woman being ashamed to fit into a size 8 so she squishes herself into a size 6 just so she can SAY she's a size 6 when in reality she looks like she's about to bust outta them jeans. Ahh I'm ranting.

On another note, really hope things are looking up for you.

Another David said...

My ex wore them when we would go to formals and stuff. Before we had sex she'd have to go take them off, which was a bit of a mood killer, though *somehow* I always managed to get over it ;)

If I went home with some random girl from the bar and she went to the bathroom to take them off, I'll be honest, I probably wouldn't notice. I mean seriously, if you're that close to getting laid and you notice that this chick just gained 10 pounds in the bathroom, you might be gay.

Miranda said...

Okay two things

1) To each their own. If these smooth the lines and make ya feel good then thumbs up. But...

2) I tried them once. And they honestly scare the hell out of me. I think I have a spanxophobia.