Saturday, May 8, 2010

Q & A with the leader. Like follow the leader, but cooler.

So I have a ton of stuff I want to blog about and I have a ton of pictures to share but my dedicated lambwhores and goatsluts have really gotten the point and asked more questions. I love questions.

Pretty much the only reason I want to be famous, aside from potentially spitting in Kristen Stewart's drink, is to do interviews. This is excellent practice.

If you could change anything about your body, would you? Do you prefer no boobs and no ass? I would change my stomach. I'd like to have a flat stomach. As much of a pain the boobs and ass are they make financial sense. I can't even tell you how many times I've gotten a free drink or an employee discount. Thank you ba-donk-a-donk.

What's the next vacation you plan to take either as a family or with friends? Actually in about two weeks we are taking a mini-vacation to Tennessee to see my cousin Rhonda graduate high school. Then she's going to come here in July and I'm tossing her out of a plane. With me. We're sky diving. It will be awesome and I promise you hi jinks will happen. Which may or may not consist of my pissing and/or barfing on my tandem instructor.

What do you most look forward to in life? I look forward to my 30's. Actually- even though I'm scared shitless about the dirty 30, it feels like a milestone I would enjoy. I'm going to be the most badass 30something. Ever.

Have you ever slept with a girl? No, but I've kissed a girl. Confession time: the thought of a blow job does nothing for me, but going down a girl? Sounds like not only would I be better at it but that I would also enjoy it more.

What do you think of gays and lesbians? I love my gays! I need a gay guy friend. Seriously. I need a clothing intervention and I need a gay to help me. I also feel like having a gay around would make my language look tame in some situations. Lesbians are hot and awesome. I think they rock and are a ton of fun.

Have you ever thought seriously about doing stand up comedy? Nope. Not because I wouldn't like the attention, because if we're being honest I love, love, love being the center of attention, but because I don't know if I could be consistently funny all of the time. And I am more of a story teller, not a joke person. So while I could tell all KINDS of stories about just about everyone I know, I'm not good at making stuff up.

What was it about blogging that made you want to have your own blog? I actually like to write a lot. And all of my friends in real life have said for years that I should write a book so I thought this would be good practice. And so far it has been. Plus I get to call people sluts and whores. And you all like it.

Does your family, friends, and coworkers read your blog? Yes to all of the above. I would say to new bloggers to not tell any of your family or coworkers you have a blog, and only tell select friends that can keep their mouth shut. I don't write about work although I'd have so much material, because I would definitely get fired. I have had super upset family members who think I'm too out there and too open, but at the end of the day- I don't really care. This blog has done more for me than anything else ever has and I enjoy it. HA! Just wait until they see my book. ;)

How do you come up with your catch phrases? (ie: Lamb Whores and Goat Sluts) I don't really think of these- they just come out of my mouth. I say things at random pretty much all of the time and most of the time people just look at me like I'm a regular crack head hitting a low and in search of a new hit. But that's ok because I like being a dork.

What's your favorite punctuation mark? Hmm. I like the question mark because it's fun to write.

Are you going to be walking to your car alone at night anytime soon? Absolutely not. I'm so fucking terrified of the dark it's redonkulous. It's absolutely embarrassing how scared I am.

What happens when you get scared "half to-death" twice? I piss myself.

If you see a sign that says "Wet Paint", do you have the inclination to touch it? Yup. And I actually touch it before I see the sign then gag because I think it's jizz or something. I mean, you just never know.

If a bird flies over at noon, will the water in the pot boil quicker that night? I have no idea. I actually suck at boiling water, so for whatever reason my pot never boils. Like I have never seen a "rapid boil" even with it on HIGH and the lid on. I'm a boiling failure.

Are those two animals on your button humping? Yes. I think that is perfectly normal.

Anyway, would you quit your day job to be the manager/PR person for my rock band called Hot Dog in a Hula Hoop? Yes. Let me know when I start. We can all get matching tattoos.

Hey....I'm sooo much older then you and have only just bought my 1st vibrator....does that make me me a loser or....a slow learner.....??? It depends. Do you have tennis elbow from it? Because if you have tennis elbow from the frequency of using it I'm sad you only have one kind. I mean, they come in different sizes and textures. Have you tried the life like ones? Those are nice. I consider myself advanced, but even a 10 incher is big for me. Stay away from that unless you don't care if your cervix survives.

Do angels sing when you open up your sex drawer? Ah, no drawer. They are in two different baskets in my closet on a shelf hidden by clothes. Vibrators are in one, cockrings, lubes, etc in the other. Even my sex supplies are organized. :)

Have you ever tried anal, or are you vag only? I have tried anal and it's not so bad. A little awkward to get the rhythm, but once you get going it's pretty decent. Better than a vag orgasm? No. Better than nothing? Yes.

Funniest sex experience? Well I haven't had a lot of funny stuff happen in sex- I'm all about getting down to business. But when Matt and I were just dating he lived in a house with two other guys and all of the bedrooms were upstairs. He had a roomie named Jason (who owned the place) who always had girls coming in and out and when they'd have sex they were super loud. I won't even speak of the time it was happening in the shower and I was there getting my books for school. So one night Matt and I were hanging out and you know how things progress and we were loud. And rough. I mean it was seriously a show of athleticism like no other. I was sore for 4 days afterwards and could barely walk, so that tells you what was happening. Anyways. So the next day, Jason asked how the night was, we said fine, etc. Apparently, we had knocked off everything that was on the shelves mounted to the wall. The same wall that shared Matt's headboard. That? Was excellent payback.

OK- thanks for tuning in lovers. I'll be back tomorrow night to show you what I won, mostly to brag about it, and then something else. Oh! I'll show you what I got from Matt & the kids for Mother's Day. Which I got early because Jackson started opening it. Whatever. He may have failed my birthday but he pulled it out for Mother's Day.


Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

You're going SKY DIVING? Oh my gosh you brave woman!

Danielle said...

"Thank you ba dunka dunk" need I say more?! I think not! :) xoxo

SurferWife said...

You have some werid ass readers. Especially that Hot Dog in a Hula Hoop question. Who are these losers?

Yay for good Mother's Day Gifts!

Shanel said...

I too made the mistake of telling a couple of my friends about my blog---- so pissed off at myself for doing this--- I too love gays and lesbians--- have had relationships with both in the past and although I love my curves I would really like to suck the fat outta my belly.... oh well. you're answers made me smile and thanks for answers my questions:)

Alpha Za said...

haha, hilarious.
Why do the gays have a monopoly over fashion? Seriously....

Sam said...

I would pay to see a band called Hot Dog in a Hula Hoop.
The way I read "I love my gay's" reminded me of Kathy Griffin the comedian.
It also makes me happy to see we have the same opinions on blowjobs. :)

Nikolett said...

There is so much amazingness in this post that I don't know where to go first ... YES to spitting in Kristen Stewart's drink, MAJOR props to going skydiving soon, I could definitely see you doing comedy just maybe not stand-up, and I love being called a slut/whore. And that was a complete run-on sentence, but yes. Oh and WOOT for a question about the button animals humping ... so proud, so proud lol.

Hope you have a Happy Mother's Day, you deserve it lady :D

Miranda said...

And THIS is just more reason that I adore you.

Julie H said...

So far I haven't told any coworkers about the blog but I think one knows. She's in another department though.

Same with family. Haven't told anyone although Scott sees me typing on it so I'm sure he could look it up and probably has.

I've only told a few friends too!

Zeke Krahlin said...

Yes, that's exactly why gays and lesbians exist: to accessorize heteros, and make their lives so much more fun in so many ways. Forget the stereotyping, forget that gays live in terror day in and day out...forget that maybe we should not be regarded as 2nd class citizens by hetero "friends" who just love their gay guys and gals. Yes, just forget about doing anything worthwhile for defending their right to exist and not be bashed wherever they long as you get those accessory and dating tips!