Monday, June 21, 2010

I need some more friends.

It's really funny because I barely have time to do anything with my current friends, but I have decided that I need more friends that are willing to come to me. Or at least answer their phone in the rare instance that I do call.

Because I hate talking on the phone. I loathe it. I make 99% of my plans via email or Facebook message and I just wish more people would do this. Stop calling me. I hate talking on the phone.

I have some pretty high standards for friends and to be honest, I'm not always fab in return. I try though, so I would like to think that's what actually counts. My effort. And oftentimes I make a friend and realize in a short period of time that they really suck. And then you have to go into the super awkward friend breakup and it never goes well.

So in order to eliminate this hassle I have come up with a short list of things that are necessary in order to be my friend. Obviously the list isn't all inclusive but it's a good starting point. If you can't make these minimum yourself the embarrassment. And this is incidentally, kind of, an idea that Aaron gave me. Kind of. And all of these things are basically some things that irritate me about some of the people in my life. I won't name names, but seriously. These drive me nuts.

1. I need a friend who is honest at all times. If my ass looks big in my pants- please fucking tell me. And then offer a suggestion. I hate when people complain about something and have nothing to offer. And in return- I will tell you when you look like shit.

2. Carry your own chapstick. While I say I trust you when you say you don't have herpes, I don't really. Secretly I think everyone has herpes and I avoid other people's germs. So don't ask to borrow my chapstick. Ever.

3. Have something of value to leave me when you die. If you have an RV you will be my automatic friend as long as you prove to me that the RV is mine when you die. Even if your death is "untimely" or "accidental".

4. Don't let your dog jump on me or sniff my crotch. I like small dogs. I think we all remember my incident with a BFD (big fucking dog) and I really don't give a shit if your pet has been through obedience class. My experience is that those classes are a waste of god damn time and money and your dog will still sniff vaginas. And jump. And it's not cute or adorable. It's annoying and gross. I don't get fresh on a first date and I certainly don't like being jumped on date three.

5. Don't get completely shit faced when hanging out with me. Even though I don't drink, I really don't care if others around me drink. But I do care when I am having to cart your farting, drunk ass around from bar to bar while trying to avoid you puking in my vehicle. I also don't like when you get super loud and think you're funny while the rest of the bar laughs at you. Nobody wants to see your thong. Nobody wants to hear you do karaoke. I will make fun of you and shame you in a bar if needed.

6. Do not ever wear Crocs when out with me. Self explanatory.

7. Don't bitch to me that you have no money while we're on a shopping trip. I don't actually want to hear about your money problems because of your bad choices. I don't feel bad for you.

8. Are you a reader? Great. We can borrow books, but you actually have to give mine back. Same with cd's and movies.

9. Don't preach to me about my diet. Or that I need to eat healthier foods. Or that I should try some weird fucking diet or flush out my bowels, etc. I am fully aware that by me not eating fruits and vegetables I'm a slug. I get this and I DON'T CARE. I don't believe in diets and I think people who continually flush out their bowels or whatever in the hopes to losing weight are crazy. Not only is that not normal, but the weight loss is only temporary. Try laying off the chips and dip, fatty.

10. Don't expect me to like your friends. Just because I like you does not mean I'm going to like your friends. Because I probably won't.

11. Don't complain that I never include you in on stuff when every time I do include never want to go. Don't blame me for your psychotic anti-social behavior. I can't help that you have no life- I'm trying to help you.

12. And if you do go out....don't be a stick in the mud. We're out- let's have fun. I don't get to go out much so when I do I want it to be memorable. So if you are just going to sit there and not join in on my stupidity, don't bother coming.

13. Be adventurous. I suck at almost everything. I hate the outdoors and I'm scared of bugs. But even I am willing to try new things.

And I don't want to end this on a Debbie Downer note. I am going to list the things that will make you a FANTASTIC friend.

1. Be honest.
2. Make an effort to hang out with me.
3. Be flexible. Even if you're reluctant to try something- pull the stick out of your vagina.
4. Willing to joke around.
5. Understand what makes me tick. Know when I need you even when I don't ask.
6. Understand why I've made the choices I have. Even if you disagree with me, please just support me.
7. Be willing to pig out with me even if you're on a diet.
8. Understand that if it came down to me and you in a chance to marry Robert Pattinson I automatically win.

So let's open this up- what is a deal breaker or maker for a friend for you?


SurferWife said...

I fit your criteria though 4 and 5 are questionable.

My dog is a franitc bitch and I can't guarantee she wont try to lick your face off.

And there will be one time that I get shitfaced in your presence.

Other than that we're straight.

Anonymous said...

I couldn't agree more with several of your demands (for lack of better word)...especially the anti-crocks and chapstick ones. :) I think my biggest deal breaker is dishonesty in any way, whether it's with me or someone else. If someone doesn't support me, I expect them to at least be honest enough to tell me.

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

I have learned the hard way (the very hard way) about what makes a good friend and what makes a bad one. And even though we don't live that close I'd love to hang out with you again! I had some much fun in Hayward.

And I hate calling on the phone too. Hate it. I didn't used to. But then texting came along and now I just can't. I can't.

Oh and borrowing books - ugh. I rarely ever let anyone borrow books from me because I rarely get them back. But I'd totally loan you books! Because I know you get it =-)

Great list. I need to come up with something like that. Or a friendship application, hehe.

Karls said...

Well... I'm out of the running. Epic fails on 3, 4 & 5.

Jennifer Kay said...

I break up with people on Facebook all the time; if you post everyday about how you hate your life and it's bringing me down? Unfriend. My husband says it's bitchy but if I'm in a mood and don't like your post of the day or never really wanted to friend you in the first place? Unfriend.

Add sweatpants to the crocs in public - no go if you wanna be my friend!

Annah said...

Hilarious #2. Carry your own Chap Stick, because there's a possibility you have herpes. Ha! I LOVE Chap Stick :)

Anonymous said...

I completely agree with all those. Some of mine:

- can't be batshit crazy
- doesn't stalk me behind my back because you don't respect I have a blog and I would like to keep that part of my life away from IRL friends.
- ask me a bajillion questions after I just told you I didn't know
- be willing to go out and DO something. I want to visit places and cripes sometimes I need someone to go with.

Love your list! And if I lived closer I would totally love to be your friend. If you ever make it to Southern MN- I'm your gal!

Anonymous said...

I love this post! Even though I totally love all of your posts. I can so relate to yesterdays. But I love this because I am horrible making/keeping friends. especially girl-friends.. anyways.. I totally agree with about all you wrote :)
And you can have Robert Pattinson, Id rather take Kellan Lutz :)

Deepika said...

I am honest, I use my own Chapstick, I don't have a dog.. I never get shit faced.. I can't stay on a diet.. :) do i qualify??? :)

i have something for u.. on my blog.. please come see!! :D

Sara said...

I fail on #3. Puppy will sniff your crotch.

I need more friends too. :D

SpiritPhoenix said...

I can definitely handle your list. Especially 2, 4 and 8

#3 I don't know if I have anything of monetary value...maybe personal value or something. LOL

Though I'd add to your list.

1. Don't ask me for advice. Not take it. Then ask me for advice in the same fuckin situation. Um. You didn't listen last time. Why should I waste my time and breath.

2. The distance between our houses/work/etc. is the same both ways. The laws of the world don't suddenly change and make it a longer distance for you to drive to me.

3. I like to have philosophical discussions, or at least interesting ones. So if all you want to talk about is the same shit every time. Yeah. I'm going to get bored and lose interest.

And you can totally have R Pat.

Anonymous said...

Are you sure we are not twins because, shit....I could have written that same fucking post.

I would be the best friend. Why? Because I am smart, witty and except....NO EMBRACE the fact that I am a bitch. But a completely awesome bitch.

Dealbreaker for me? Don't fuck with my men. I have lost 2 chicks for friends because they got a little too cozy with my men (who consequently were not my men after that.) So yeah, that is a big deal to me. I can't help it if I get the best dudes (I married the best one out there, yo.)

Gini said...

I fucking HAAAAATE when people ask to borrow my lip balm, so I always get the little pots of it and smush my lips in all gross-like so nobody wants to borrow it. :) It works.
AND (this makes us soulmates btw) at any time when I may come into contact with another person's mouth germs (trying a different beer for example) I always ask "You don't have herpes, do you?" So not joking. I've gotten a shitload of weird looks but I do not CARE. I made it through my entire young adulthood sleeping around and being risky, and I didn't contract a damn thing. If I get something now from sharing a fucking beer and that person didn't disclose, I WILL beat their ass.
The one and only time I didn't ask this question, we were passing around a huge boot of beer and I got the nastiest, most horrendous bronchitis I've ever had in my life. So probably I will never drink a boot again.

Anyways. I suck at returning things, but I do try really hard. And I would probably accidentally get wasted around you, it sneaks up on me sometimes, but my hubs would take care of that. :) As for my criteria? Don't be neurotic, don't be gd needy, don't google me and then interrogate me about everything you learned, don't be a drama queen and don't post on facebook about what you had for breakfast, how your vag is feeling, the pretend conversation between you and your dog, OR how your husband left you. And then subsequently came back. Because I will never want to see you again.

I'm feeling saucy today, can you tell?

thotlady said...

My deal breaker...judging me...don't do it if you want to remain my friend.

Another David said...

I think you mixed up your metaphors a bit, like that guy in Boondock Saints... It's "stick in your ass" and "sand in your vagina," not "stick in your vagina." Unless that just some weird Wisconsin thing I just don't understand.

I hate hate HATE it when someone flakes out on me. If I went through the trouble to plan something, fucking show up. If you say you're going to be there, fucking show up. If you know you can't make it, just tell me. What is so difficult about this such that nobody seems to get it??

Jandy xx said...

this is seriously the greatest post ever! we're already blog soul mates, but this post confirmed it! I HATE the phone too, hate hate hate! lets see what else, an honest friend is important, i dont want you telling me i look great whilst everyone else is laughing at way size too small pants, i cant think of anything else more disgusting than sharing chap stick! ewww! umm my impending divorce may rob me of anything valuble to leave you, but i intend on living for a few more years, so hopefully by then i'll have purchased something awesome! my impending divorce will also take away my dogs, bonus, no crutch sniffers! I only drink on rare occassions and have been known to get shit faced, but by that time, i'm ready to go home, so there will be no driving me from bar to bar! no crocs, ever, EVER! I wouldnt dare go shopping with no money, so I'll never bitch about it! I do read, but i highly doubt i own a book you havent read miss read 400 books a week! maybe theres an aussie one in my collection youve never seen! your diet is your diet, as long as your happy, i dont care! my sister, untill recently would only eat brown or white foods! my two best friends HATE each other, so i'm totally down with the you not liking my friends, quite experienced in fact! I'll almost always be up for "stuff" and i'll always be fun! (check out my holiday photos, hello!) (that covers 11 and 12, go me!) and 13, i've never said no to a little adventure, let it be known that ive also never said no to a dvd night either though!! geez, i'm pretty much perfect hey! shame i live on the other side of the bloody world! on another note, thanks for still loving me and leaving me blog messages when ive been far from good at the whole comment thing my self, youve been awesome and thats why i love ya guts xx (whoa, cop that for an essay!)

Latharia said...

I really REALLY wish we lived closer. I think we'd spend an awful lot of time hanging out together. :) I'm in complete agreement with all of your statements & have NEVER borrowed chapstick (EUW!!!) from a friend. Spouse, yes, friend, no. What's a deal-breaker for me? Flaking out on me when we've got plans. Absolute deal breaker.

Sam said...

I'm in the "trying to make friends" process with people in my area and dang, this sucks. I had a girl ask if I wanted to share a soda with her the first time we hung out. Seriously?? Nasty.
I wish you lived closer. We could cause some mayhem. :)