Saturday, June 26, 2010

Just in case I die. (I like to be prepared)

So I'm going skydiving. It's a big fucking deal. For those of you who are new to the scene, illiterate, or fucking stupid, I have a 30/30 list. Skydiving is on it which means I have to do it. I'm scared pretty much shitless but whatever. I'm not scared to jump, I'm more scared of the free fall. I'm jumping tandem with a professional (and let's pray that he's hot because if I'm going to have a guys junk pressed against my ass, let's at least hope it's a cute guy.)because I can't be relied on when there is a high stress situation. I would guarantee you that I would forget what the fuck to do, panic, and then die.

Which might happen anyways.

Which is why I'm posting tonight. While I still have my wits about me and I'm not driving everyone around me NUTS with my incessant freaking out which is likely to happen. So here we go- should I die, I'm passing the following items off to people:

1. My cats, Lenny and Rosie: Amber, you get this. Apparently, you are a glutton for punishment or the sight of cats humping things turns you on. I'm not sure how I feel about this necessarily. I'm going to be honest (and I feel that we are good enough friends so that I can do this)- you watching my cat hump towels and blankets kind of freaks me out. So I really hope I don't catch you doing anything while watching him do this. But as long as you promise to take care of him and not yell at him when he drools on your face when you sleep, he's yours. But since they come as a pair, you'll get Rosie too. She's not fixed yet so that'll be your problem. The howling isn't every night right now so that's a bonus. But she's a freak and hides all the time. You'll hardly know she's there. Unless she's moaning. Then everyone in a two block radius will know where she is.

2. My books: Krysten wants my books, so those are gone. I will warn you right off the bat that my book mix is kind of weird. You'll notice between my love of vampires and funny memoirs, I have a LOT of romance books. And not just regular ones, but ones that have a lot of super kinky sex in them. Trust me, you'll love them.

3. My massive music collection: I feel like the only person I know who would appreciate the psychotic collection that is my music vault would be Mr. O. I will leave money set aside to mail them because hello--he lives in Alabama. It's not like he can just pick it up. But the box will contain almost 3,000 cd's. And my iPod Nano 8GB, which is currently full.

4. My scrapbook & stamp nightmare of a closet: I don't know-- this might have to go to Ann. Because she is a million times better at everything crafty than I ever will be and my supplies should go to a good mommy. That will make them look fabulous and maybe get them featured in a magazine. You always want better for your children and Ann could do that.

These are the four main things I have to give away. I'd give my kids away, but Matt will still be here. But I own a lot of other stuff. Like I have a lot of shoes, all sizes 7 1/2 or 8. I have some I've never even worn, but let's not tell Matt that. I have a lot of vibrators! But I don't know if that's something someone would want. Unless you're some kind of freak, in which case send me your addy and they are yours!

I have an impressive pen collection. Do you want my pens? You can have them. OOh!! I have lots of post it note pads. I can give those away. My "attack secretary" sign is definitely going to Jandy because she's awesome. I'll probably send my red Swingline to her as well just because it goes with the sign.

But if I die, I hope everything doesn't go to hell right away. I don't know why- but I feel like I can't skydive unless I have food ready for Matt and the kids and laundry all done. Is that messed up? It's like one last thing I can do for them- clean underwear. I mean, underwear is very important to me and I enjoy it a lot, so obviously providing clean underwear is something I would provide for them.

So yeah- I'm going skydiving. I'm 99% sure it's going to be on the Fourth of July, and if I survive I will post pictures. I'm hoping. I don't know how that works since I doubt I'll be able to hold my camera, but I'll try. Even if I do die, I'll have Matt post a picture of me splattered all over the trailer court across the street from Walmart- because that's where I would land. Which is only slightly disappointing. I just hope whoever is in their (hopefully) double wide isn't too drunk to call 911 coherently. I would be really disappointed if I landed in the yard of a regular crappy trailer. I'll try to aim for a double wide.

I am also going to try to get video of me BEFORE and AFTER the jump. I have no idea how I'll upload this to here, but I'm going to try. Just for you. But if I die, it obviously won't be much of an after interview. Maybe you can watch them clean me up or something. Oh god, I hope I don't pee. Or shit myself. How embarrassing. I'm pretty sure I might puke, so I won't even hope for that to not happen. But pee or shit is pretty hard to hide. And please god don't let my bodily fluids hit the poor guy strapped to my back. I guess it won't matter if he's hot or not if I puke- no way will he get a hard on then, huh? That might just solve that whole problem right up.

OK- so I will have some book reviews to go up tomorrow, and then Monday I *might* not be posting. I am picking up my cousin from the airport and we might not get back until later since I'll be in Minneapolis. And Tuesday might be an early morning post because I??? Am going to Eclipse. Obviously, I have to support my lover's career. I don't think Robert would like it if I (gasp!) waited until the weekend to see how hard he works. That would be rude.


Sara said...

*BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE* Can't wait to see the pics and video!!! :D I got my tickets for Tuesday night, too. So excited!

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

Eek, I am so nervous AND excited for you! But at least I know if you die I'll have books to read =-)

Have so much fun Sara!

Annah said...

You're doing it!!!!!!! So excited for you and to see the proof. The proof is in the pudding Sara.

AaronBillyMacHarlan said...

"I would guarantee you that I would forget what the fuck to do, panic, and then die."

I don't know why but this made me crack up! I really needed a good laugh too.

Anonymous said...

My best friend went skydiving last year and she survived. She loved it so much she is doing it again in a few months. Fucking freaks.

Thanks for Lenny and Rosie (potentially). I promise not to get excited watching Lenny hump towels and I plan to never yell at him or Rosie.

I am armed with the Q-tip trick, so that will work until we get her fixed.

Not that I am making plans for your death, but shit, we want asll of out bases covered - right?

You will be fine and you will have an awesome time.

But you are still a fucking freak.

Lady Grey said...

I'm jealous... I would love to do this too... and yes, I would be scared shitless too! But this is awesome... will wait for the pics and wherever else you take to show us...

Ann said...

So there's something positive to be gained if you die. Nice. Not that I'm's just that I'm trying to look on the bright side of things.

Blue Disastrous said...

YOU WILL NOT DIE. Only I don't know how to guarantee it.. But you won't! Because Blue says so. You will be way freaked out for the short time you are falling (though it'll probably seem like daaays), and then the parachute will be spit out of the backpack thingy and you'll be floating and.. what? It's over?! Yeah. Just like that.
I wish you luck!! You will make it through just fine. :3

Jandy xx said...

oooh the attack secretary sign!!!!!!!! oh i so hope you die!

OMG, that was a joke, please don't die, i'd miss you far too much! I wish wish wish i was there skydiving with you, you so know i would! oh, and I think youre just amazingly awesome too! big love to you gorgeous girl :) xx

Gini said...

ACKKK, ack ack ack! Make sure you vacate your bowels beforehand so you don't shit/piss yourself!!

Another David said...

worst case scenario: make yourself as wide as possible, aim for huge bale of hay (which i imagine there's a lot of around you), then right before you hit flip your feet out in front (so you sort of pencil-dive) and use your arms to protect your head. make sure the other guy hits first and try not to let your knees hit your face.

but the chances of that being useful are effectively nil. you'll be fine and i'm kind of jealous