Monday, July 12, 2010

Is the bitch you know and love gone??

I mean seriously- I looked back on my last few weeks of posts and even I am disgusted with myself. Where's the snark? Where's the bitch even I love so much?

I assure you- she isn't gone. I just haven't felt passionate enough about something to really bitch about. But today, lambwhores and goatsluts, I bring to you a question that rivals such important ones such as "chicken or egg" or "jesus versus monkeys".


Seriously. You know what I'm talking about. This kind of asshole:

Seriously- every where I went today I got stuck behind some jackass with an entire back window full of stuffed animals. Some assholes have them in not only their back window, but their dashboard too. And the Garfield that sticks to the window that's older than me and hanging by dear life by rotting suction cups?? LAME.

What's the point? I mean, I know that some people like their cars to be an expression of who they are, which sometimes factor into the actual vehicle they drive. Like guys driving Hummers are typically beefed up white guys with the tribal art or barbed wire arm band tattoos. And I'm willing to bet they have shriveled dicks from years of "protein shakes" from trying to get all huge. It's all I can do to not ask if they are over-compensating for something.


In my own vehicle, which is a minivan that I don't personally feel fits my personality (but all the storage...and the extra seats sold me. That and the 6disc cd changer.), is adorned with things that remind me of my coolness. Like my "feel your boobies" and "sit down, buckle up and shut up" bumper stickers. These are things I say to people regularly anyways. I have mardi gras beads hanging from my mirror. My shamrock ones are from my recent trip to Chicago and the blue star one is Matt's first gift to me. He was drunk and was proud that he remembered, on our third night of dating (he was getting drunk at a bar while I was studying for a test) that my favorite color is blue. So I've got beads in there. I also have a TON of cds. My GPS system (Maggie...who's record is spotty at this point), my adapter to play my iPod, notebooks, coupon organizer, lotion, chapstick, hand sanitizer, baby wipes, air freshener. Not cool things is the basket of toys, diapers, and I'm pretty sure a lost sippy cup. But you won't see anything visible to the outside world that screams "loser" because I? Am not a loser. 

I will say, that for the most part, it's old people with the stuffed animal addiction. Granted, I've also seen middle age people with this but today? I saw a kid in his mid 20's with a back window FULL of South Park characters. Now, I love me some South Park. I was watching that show when it first started so fuck all yall who think you're cool because you've seen the recent shit. I? Can speak like Cartman which I do when I haven't had a lot of sleep. But I would never, under any fucking circumstance, have a South Park stuffed animal. Let alone an entire back window full of them. What the fuck is wrong with you?? 

My brother says this kind of stuff is "gay", which I think is a complete fucking disgrace to gay people. I have known lots of gay people who would never resort to decorating a car with stuffed animals. Losers do that. 

So I'm begging you, if you or someone you know is guilty of this- help them out. Obviously if it's you, you should be ashamed and you need to go out there right fucking now to remove them. Don't be a pussy. If it's someone you know I am giving you permission to vandalize the vehicle and remove them. 

OK- so now that I have that rant off my chest (feel your boobies), what's in YOUR car? (See, it's like the Capital One commercials...get it??) (I'm low on sleep so pretend I said that in my best Cartman voice.)

OMG- they killed Kenny!!

OK- sorry. ;)  


Lady Grey said...

I have one to add... stickers that say "I'm the proud parent of an honor roll student" - not sure what this is trying to say... but definitely bugs me...

Heather Kelly said...

That's too funny. I know what your talking about. More people in CA seem to do that then here in TN.

Anonymous said...

South Park? Hands down one of my favorite shows. I too have watched it since it's inception. Fucking brilliant.

I have nothing in my car. I have a weird thing about removing stuff from my car everyday. The only things I have in there is a sun deflector, an umbrella, an air freshener and my iPod....oh, and some loose change. I have some shit in the glove box, but I don't think that counts.

I am a freak.

Jandy xx said...

hmm, well here in Aus, it's umm usuallly a certain race that fill their cars with stuffed toys, but I wont get into that, don't want to appear racist, but it is the truth!!!

Let me say, it's bloody great to have the bitch back! Oh, and your car sounds like FUN!

big love to you woman xx

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

Lets see... in my car the only sticker is I have is my Obama '08 sticker. I've got a necklace my mom made me hanging over my rearview mirror. My i-Pod adapter. A zillion CDs. A few magazines. Oh and chapstick, of course.

Annah said...

I seriously don't imagine you to be the minivan type... but okay. I still love you.

Stuffed animals are for dogs to play with, everywhere else they should be banned.

Josie said...

People around here make fun of those proud parents of honor students. There's some bumper stickers that say "Proud Parent of a Cache County Inmate"

Morgan said...

I also have nothing in my car - it's too damn hot to keep anything in there! And I hate stickers.

In high school I had a family of stuffed animals, a bead thing around the top of the rear window, and stickers on the little rear passenger windows. I thought I was cool. But really, they're just a pain and super tacky.

Gini said...

Dude, if my future kids ever come home with "Proud Parent" bumper stickers, I'm going to distract them with something shiny and then destroy those idiotic things.

Sam said...

Ill take a picture of it next time I see it but there's a mini van that drives around Orlando and frequents Barnes and Nobles a lot that says' "God is Love" in EVERY language. Plastered all over the van, it's ridiculous. there's hanging crosses in the windows and Jesus figures in the rear window and on the dashboard. It makes me horribly uncomfortable to park next to, I feel like my car, with it's small little equal sign sticker in the rear window is going to be vandalized by the crazy God van. :)

Sara said...

Bumper stickers announcing the names and the number of family members creep me out. WAY TOO MUCH INFO! ha! The stuffed animals is a great rant. :D

I have 2 carseats, a razor knife in the door and glovebox, stone moisture collector thingies for the cup holders that say things like "Shut the Eff Up", misc items in the center console including pens, paper, USB drives, needles and a bit of yarn, the GPS thingie.

I have a fear of projectile items in a car crash so I really really try my best to keep things put up. Jon on the other hand, not so much and I have to clean the car or blazer after he uses it.

Rebel Mel said...

I tagged you in a post!

Ellen said...

I don't have anything stuffed but I definitely do not like to see little stuffed things staring at me out of other people's windows.

My car is laden with 'small-child' paraphernalia... car seat, lots of random toys, wipes, shoes,
Handy Manny underwear from the beach three days ago... I am a car pig. I need car pigs anonymous. So does my mom.

Great blog!!
Ellen @

Chicken said...

Nice to see you back to your sassy self. I personally hate the people that have the fake baseball or soccer ball in their windshield...umm hello the ghetto folks thought if that first with the fake bullet holes, that is sooo 1998.

The Insatiable Host said...

dude I totally asked that question today. I almost got side swiped by this fucking asshole driver who couldn't see past the 40 fucking creepy dolls in his rear window. then he got out of his car and was like
"oh, mi so soweee,aw you okaey"

i couldn't ennunciate anything but "ya, are your dolls ok too?"

Fucking jackass! what is with this? Then I drove past the creepy house on this one street, and...i'll post pics but i haven't seen so much shit's all stuffed animals planted on their front lawn, like they are stuffed garden gnomes!!!

i am getting heated again, i must stop.

talk soon.