Thursday, August 12, 2010

I should watch the news more.

First off, I should watch the news more because I think I could be WAY better than Nancy Grace. I am a bitch naturally- so I wouldn't even have to talk over people to get my point across. But Jane Velaz Mitchell? She looks messed up. What happened to her face? LAY OFF THE BOTOX BABY.

Anyways. Let's hit up some news stories that I think are entertaining for different reasons.

1. The Jet Blue guy. Seriously- if you haven't heard of him you are a bigger loser than me. I have to admit, I'm Team Slater. The guy works in customer service, so let's all just think about that. Have you ever saw that A&E show "Airline"? Have you ever flown? Because if you've experienced either you know exactly how incredibly rude people are when they fly. There is something about the airport that as soon as a person walks in they are angry and hate the world. And god-fucking-forbid it rains. Oh god. If it rains, and there's even a CHANCE of a delay? You better hope that none of the women are currently pregnant or on the rag because shit is hitting the fan. I will state for the record that I have a horrible flight travel experience record. If anyone should be going AWOL at an airport it's me. I've been "flagged" EVERY flight I've been on in my life except for the one when I was 5 in 1987 but back then I'm sure you were allowed to bring guns on anyways. Anyways.

So Slater is doing his job, obviously hates it and I don't blame him when this bitch is all breaking the rules trying to get her shit out of overhead. Obviously, anyone with an iota of a brain knows you can't do this until the plane is stopped and the lights tell you it's ok. Nope, she's all crazy and entitled, and the compartment thing hits poor Steven in the head. First off, the fact that he ONLY went on a tirade on the intercom and then grabbed two beers while deploying the emergency chute and checked his ass out of their shows huge restraint. Because I know words would have been said if it were me. At the minimum. I would have been arrested for actual assault.

And let's face it- he's a hero. Because ANYONE who has ever had a shitty job, or at least worked retail knows exactly what was going through his head, and you've only WISHED you could have done something like this. I applaud YOU Mr. Jet Blue Diva for living out the fantasy that lives in all of us.

2. The lady groped by Donald Duck. Anyone who waits two years to report an assault by a stuffed duck is clearly off a few. People who are sexually assaulted don't run to a lawyer- they file a police report. She's claiming she's having "digestive issues and flashbacks" because of it. Um, first- take some Pepto. It works miracles. And second- flashbacks? Of what? I would think this is hilarious. If Donald Duck grabbed my boob, first off- I would demand it'd be re-enacted so someone could take a picture for my scrapbook. Shit- that's a vacation memory yall.

3. Mitrice Richardson. Oh, this one is so sad. So the quick & dirty is that Mitrice, a 24 year old in California, was acting bizarre in a restaurant and walked out on her tab. Obviously, she's arrested. While detained she exhibits strange behavior and is ultimately released in the middle of the night/early morning hours. Fine and dandy- except she's released without her purse, cell phone, wallet, and has no vehicle. So she starts walking around downtown Los Angeles and disappears. The police department fumbled this from the word go and basically deny she was acting strange and did everything by the book. A month ago they reported they had leads she was partying it up in Vegas but her family never believed that. With cause because her body? Was just found and identified. She was murdered and her body was in a ravine not far from the police station where she was last seen. I'm not an expert but it obviously sounds like the department knew they fucked up and tried to cover their asses and are now fucked. It's really sad because you know the chances of them finding who killed her are slim to none and that's not fair to her family.

4. Lindsay Lohan. She might be getting out of rehab early apparently. Um, anyone want to place bets on how quickly she is photographed stumbling out of a bar with her nose covered in white powder? Yeah, didn't think so.

5. Don't eat cats. Seriously. You just have to go here: and read it yourself.

So I have to know- what are your thoughts on Jet Blue Diva? I feel like I need a shirt or something to remember this by.


Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

I am SO with you on the Jet Blue guy. Oh my gosh, he did something I have wanted to do quite a few times in my customer service history. People need to learn how to treat people in customer service better. And it's always the assholes that never worked in customer service that treat people like absolute crap. There should be a law where EVERYONE should have to work customer service.

Vent over =-)

The Insatiable Host said...

that guy with the cat marinating in his trunk was horrifyingly gross to read the entire was the "french chef found dead in his freezer" in Lyon Paris the girlfriend of the "celebrity" chef admitted while she was drunk (to her daughter) that her boyfriend (who has been missing for 2 years) and an unfortunate accident and she beat the shit outta him and put him in the freezer...2 years ago....and they just found out now!?!?!
Or what about the guy in Detroit, who was sooo drunk he passed out, and his dog gnawed on his big toe that was gangreen infected till it was gone. When he woke up, his toe was gone...WTF people????!!!!

These will reappear on my WTF wednesday next wednesday....but seriously....WTF!?

The Insatiable Host said...

ps. go to my fb and see the Mayham guy..the allstate insurance have to watch them...the "jogger" one and the "teenage girl driving" are hysterical.

Amy said...

I like your version of the news much better :) and agreed about the JetBlue guy. People in customer service of any kind are saints for having to deal with things. I was a manager of a McDonalds and let me tell you- I dealt with A LOT of shit. It actually becomes funny afterawhile. My favorite is when people demand you or another employee gets fired. Un huh. OR my ultimate favorite- "I will never come back here AGAIN!" Yeahhh, cya next week buddy.

Gini said...

How terribly sad about that murdered woman!

Jet Blue guy = THE SHIT

Lisa Smith said...

I absolutely am in Love with your blog! You are hilarious. I was just checking out different blogs and yours really caught my eye. Keep up the good work..this is great!

Ang said...

Thanks for the news recap! I suck at reading/watching the news, I get most of it from the morning radio, so I'd like you to do this weekly for me, please!

Thank you.

Another David said...

slater is my personal hero, because in that single moment, he accomplished so fucking many of my life's goals. in no particular order;
-getting on, and cursing over, the airplane intercom
-pulling the emergency slide and running down it
-quitting a job in a fashion so dramatic you get on national television

alright, so that's only three. still, that's not an easy three