Saturday, August 7, 2010

The Never Ending Yard Sale

So those of you who either know me in real life or at least follow me on Facebook have heard about what I have referred to as The Never Ending Yard Sale.

Every year I have done one, maybe two yard sales on my own and I've done pretty well. If you have never done your own yard sale, it is a LOT of work. The process is pretty much:

1.Find what you want to sell.
2. Price all of it.
3. Organize it some way that won't piss you off come sale day.
4. Haul all of your shit to wherever you are having the yard sale, if not in your own yard.
5. Make signs, put them up, do any kind of advertising you think you want to do.
6. Set up on the day of the sale.
7. Sit there and fry in the sun during the sale.
8. Deal with crazies.

Thankfully, most of my stuff was still priced from the year before but I still had a lot of new kids clothes, toys, movies, cd's, etc that I was adding that I needed to price. So the night before our first sale, I had Matt go around town putting up signs. I had put an ad in the paper and all of that jazz. We hauled an entire trailer to my mom's. We were set.

The morning of the sale I went over to my mom's and we started setting up. About 30 minutes into set up, it started to rain. Not just was pouring. We gave up and decided to do it on Saturday. Saturday comes and the yard is so wet. We had to put tables on the sidewalk because they were sinking into the grass. By the end of the day my mom's yard looked like Woodstock had just happened. And we were filthy. We had great sales but the most interesting thing that happened was meeting the real life Slingblade.

I'm serious- we are pretty sure this guy was a serial killer. He appeared to be late 60's, had the customary dirty white tshirt, saggy brown old guy pants with the brown loafers. He had coke bottle thick glasses that were so greasy that I have no idea how he could see out of them. He had few teeth and what he did have were bright yellow and gross. But the scariest part? Is that he had the SAME voice as Billy Bob Thorton in Slingblade. It's the stuff nightmares are made of. Oh- and he drove a mini van that was all busted up, but the windows were covered with blankets. Obviously to hide bodies or something.

But my brother was selling his shotgun, and obviously Slingblade kept eyeing it up and pretend aiming it at the neighbors. Scary. But the weirdest thing? He kept like, hopping, around my mom's yard and demanding to know what was under the grass. I said dirt, obviously, but my mom informed him that it was clay because almost everything in Superior is built on or around clay. He obviously disagreed and stuck around for another 15 minutes checking it out. He was so weird. And frankly- he kind of scared us.

Then there was a lady who parks her car right next to a puddle and proceeds to jump into the puddle, then bitches about the puddle. As if we purposely put it right next to her car just as she pulled up. So she sits on a table to take off her socks. Then, as she's paying for her stuff, she puts her disgusting, filthy, wet socks on our pay table. Seriously- I'm surprised my mom didn't say anything to her. I had to walk away because some lady had a million questions about a toy. Annoying.

Another highlight were the fat people. Thankfully, Matt came by at almost the end one week. He was bringing lunch for Kate and I, so we put him in charge of sales. And the people. Cue the mini van that pulls up, almost taking out the fire hydrant. Inside the van were a husband/wife couple, grossly obese. I'm talking fat like they couldn't get OUT of the van. So poor Matt had to bring up all of the movies we had for sale (easily 50 in one of the two boxes) up to the van so they could look through them. No joke. So while Matt is doing this, Kate, my mom and I are laughing hysterically. Matt made his first and only sale that day of $11.

Yesterday we had a lady stop by with her grandsons. She asked me if I thought she could use a breast pump. I had no idea how to even answer that so I turned around. At that moment I noticed that she had parked, inches from the stop sign and her front bumper touching the fire hydrant. I should note that these two items are very much on the grass. So this lady is parked right on my mom's lawn pretty much. With two annoying grandsons in the car whining.

We had one lady come with her 12 year old grandson who was forced to wear a "I Love My Grandma" shirt. In public. I should have called child protective services for him. But his grandma was buying baby girl clothes for this kids mom who just had a baby in the hospital. Like the day before. So  had to hear all about the labor, the after birth, how the placenta was really big, and how she just keeps bleeding, etc. I've been through it twice myself which was good because if I hadn't been then I would have been throwing up. She was so weird. She stayed for 45 minutes.

One day at the end of the sale, a bus full of developmentally delayed people came. Which is all fine and good but good lord. They all bought something very random which is fine because we need sales. At the end, one guy almost attacked my mom giving her a hug. I obviously hid behind the trailer, next to a bush until they all got back onto the bus.

We packed up our stuff for the last time yesterday. Well, until next summer at least. And thank god because by the end of yesterday both my mom and I were both exhausted, sick of looking at our stuff. I took some stuff to a second hand store and the rest was packed up and stored in our garage. And already...I have a box of stuff that is going into the next yard sale.

So, what was YOUR favorite yard sale memory? 


The Insatiable Host said...

This has to be filmed next year!!! VLOG IT!!!!!!

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

This is actually kind of not a great memory but... whatever.

So back when I lived in Illinois there was a day when a bunch of people on my street were having yard sales. My mom was busy at ours and meanwhile I was busy going up and down the block hanging out with friends. I was maybe... I don't know, 7 or 8?

Anyway, one of my neighbors' kids were selling candy bars for some sport thing and Kool-aid. I, of course, wanted the candy bars but had no money to buy them. So I decided to take all my parents' change, which they saved up in an old coffee container, and bought as much candy as I could.

Later, my mom discovered what I'd done, marched me to the neighbors' and made me ask for the money back. I mean... those poor kids that were selling the candy bars! It's not THEIR fault that i pretty much screwed them over.

Who knew WHAT I was thinking. But whenever I think about yard sales that is what I think about and I get embarrassed all over again.

Jennifer Kay said...

We did the yard sale bit this year and had somebody come back to say that they walked away with the wrong bag of baby clothes somehow and asked for their money back. How do you prove who was right??? I asked her what she was supposed to have had and she said girls 12 months (which would have been my sisters) so I told her that my daughter was just getting out of 12 months and I would give her some of those clothes as they were probably nicer anyway. PSYCHO!?!

slushygirl said...

My husband and I sell antiques for a living, so we are all the time setting up a flea markets and the like. Last year we set up at the World's Longest Yardsale which spans from Alabama to Michigan. We were in Crossville, TN. And believe me, you get hoards of people from all over the country, all types. Anyway, my friend we were set up with had her new baby in the pack-n-play asleep, and this lady walks up and asks if her newborn baby is a dog. What?!

Julie H said...

We don't really have yard sales much because we live out in the sticks. We have done a couple though at other people's houses and once before we moved in. We had so much stuff in our house from the previous owner (weird situation) that at one point I was selling all these clothes and stuff for .10 each just to get rid of it all. Some guy was so excited, it was too funny. Worn out old nasty work boots for .10! WOOT!!

Anonymous said...

I am laughing my ass off, girl!! Those sound like the EXACT SAME PEOPLE who attend every one of my yard sales. I hate yard sales with a PASSION, an intensity that burns hotter than the surface of the sun, so I only have them like once every three years.

I had a woman come to my last yard sale (last year) and she was like 197 years old and crazy as fuck. She pulls INTO my side yard, catty cornered over the freaking sidewalk. I mean, we had ten cars parked on the curbs of the sidewalk and this crazy ass lady parks IN THE YARD!!! She buys two toys from us and then proceeds to tell me where I can BUY a baby if we thought we wanted one. WHAT?? She was talking about them like they were free kittens or something.

So she gets in her car, starts it up and then the next thing I see is her getting out of the car saying "my car won't go.....I put it in drive and it won't go....." before she even gets "forward" out of her mouth her car freaking takes off and t-bones my cousins car!!!!! And THAT is not the craziest part. This old bitty actually tries to THROW HERSELF IN FROM OF THE CAR to try to stop it from hitting my cousin's car!!!! I saw this all happening in slow motion. I just remember jumping out of my chair screaming...



Sam said...

One year, I was probably 13, we were having a yard sale and at the time Gpa lived in his RV parked in our side yard. Mid morning, nice and sweltering outside, we were selling this huge couch and had it on the lawn cose to the street. Grandpa came out of his RV, goes and sits on the couch, proceeds to pull his foot up onto the couch and bellow to my dad, "Come look at this, I think it's infected!". We walk over and he has on three socks on one foot and there is this questionable fluid seeping through and flies buzzing around it. EVERYONE at the yard sale left. It turns out he had gangrene on the ball of his foot and had to get half of it amputated. :/

Yours sounded fun though, i'm glad you hid behind the trailed when the group of "developmentally disabled" came through, if they would have seen you they would have insisted you be returned to the "home" where you escaped from a few years back.


And I see those bears didn't get you, I taped bacon to the undersides of your table...I guess the wind was blowing the wrong way.

Gini said...

I think you may have the best yard sales ever! The only interesting thing that happened to me was when Husband ran to the store and a probably sex offender cornered me on the porch asking detailed questions about every single item for sale. He ended up buying a bottle of grilling spice that I hadn't put up for sale. Very strange.

Livi said...

My family has had a lot of yard sales. Our first one was when I was five. My parents were divorcing and were both moving into smaller houses so we had a yard sale. Quite a few people came through, but the one that I remember the most was an old man. It was the first time I had ever smelled old man smell. It was disgusting. Now, every time I smell old people, I think of him and his grossness.

Another David said...

yardsales are like inviting everything that's terrible about craigslist to show up at your house all at once. which is why when i sell things, i opt to sell them one at a time on craigslist, so i only have to deal with one batshit crazy/creepy/uncategorizably disturbing person at a time.