Wednesday, September 1, 2010

This Evening on Sara's News Report...

Because it was such a hit I'm bringing my news reporting back yall.

(If we're being honest- this is what happens when I'm too lazy to find the remote to turn the channel off of MSNBC.)

1. Discovery Channel Hostage Idiot. Now, it probably isn't funny if you were say...a hostage victim...but to me? This is hilarious. It's not hilarious that the guy was eventually shot dead because death is sad and all. (Truthful answer- he should have been interviewed. And I should have been the one to do it.) I'm going to be honest- I think any person who is willing to strap a bomb to their body is an idiot. Because I know how I am in stressful situations and my luck- I would have wired something wrong. I think you have to be kind of off-kilter to think, "Hey- I bet everyone will agree with my crazy demands with bombs strapped to my body!" Um.. not so much. Basically he was at the Discovery Channel building because he doesn't think "the planet needs humans." Um-- NEWSFLASH- you? Are a human. Yes, crazy bomb wielding maniac- YOU are a human. So to get the party started...why don't you kill yourself and if we see it's worked out for you, we'll follow? Mmmkay? His quotes:

“I want Discovery Communications to broadcast on their channels to the world their new program lineup and I want proof they are doing so. I want the new shows started by asking the public for inventive solution ideas to save the planet and the remaining wildlife on it,” the alleged manifesto reads, adding: “Nothing is more important than saving ... the Lions, Tigers, Giraffes, Elephants, Froggies, Turtles, Apes, Raccoons, Beetles, Ants, Sharks, Bears, and, of course, the Squirrels. The humans? The planet does not need humans.”

Hold the hell up. He wants to save squirrels? No. I blatantly disagree. Because those squirrel bastards do nothing but eat my flowers, bulbs AND the bird seed. Greedy mother fuckers. No. I disagree with the squirrels. And my favorite is that we aren't calling them frogs- they're "froggies". Say it with me... AWWWW. 
But to his credit- I think this is God's way of telling the Duggars to stop breeding. You aren't puppies. How her uterus has fallen out or walked out on it's own so far just blows my mind. Because if I were that uterus? I'd be like, "See ya, bitch. I'm overworked and underpaid homie g." And really- we shouldn't be applauding these freak of nature families with a million kids. I know the Duggars think Jesus will stop giving them babies when he's good and ready but honestly? This might be the sign. That and they are running out of J names.
2. Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy. Honest to God if they get married I'm going to puke. They've only been dating three months and people are asking them about marriage. I'm just sad that Matt Bellamy (the singer of MUSE if you are a complete fucktard and don't know that) is obviously riddled with STD's now. Sads. And I see she wouldn't be put off by touring with them. Please for the love of all that is awesome and holy. PLEASE do not tour with them. Especially to the October show in Minneapolis. Please. 
3. Teen sues over nipple zap. OK, kids. Let this be your lesson in electricity. If it's plugged NOT clamp it to your nipple. That would be bad.
Yes- there is a high school kid in New Hampshire who is suing his teacher because he did not know that putting an electrical clamp on one nipple while his friend put the other electric clamp on his nipple...while the third fried plugged it in would be bad. DUH. He was obviously seriously hurt and his heart stopped for a bit and he has permanent brain damage. Now, I'm not expert or doctor but I would venture to say MAYBE he had the permanent brain damage all along if he thought this was a good idea. I mean, if you like nipple clamps they sell those for fairly cheap at your neighborhood sex shop. My shop sells them for $5.99 a pair. FYI. But can I just say? Props to this teacher for not pissing himself with laughter. If anything- this teacher deserves a raise because clearly? He's working with a higher need student body and needs to be compensated. Idiots.
4. The lotus birth. OK- my mom and I almost puked at this one. The quick, disgusting and dirty is that a lotus birth is when you have your baby but don't cut the umbilical cord. You basically wait until everything comes out of your body. You carry the umbilical cord and attached stuff until it dies and falls off the baby. Disgusting. Click the link at the beginning of this to see a picture of it. It's being called the practice of a non violent birth and "The child has the time to accustom to the world, without the sudden breaking from this caring warm friend, it had in the womb for nine months." WHAT?? Guess what, kid? Life sucks. Life is harsh and when you're in second grade you might lose your friend. Suddenly and just because your friend made a new friend that has the latest video game thing. A placenta and cord is not a friend. It's a big squishy gross thing. That's the equivalent of saying you are attached to your poop because you've been close for what? Maybe a couple of hours? Or you really enjoyed your breakfast and you just aren't ready to say goodbye? I mean COME ON folks. That's disgusting.
Now, having been around the block of babies, vaginas and grossness twice myself I can tell you that there is no way in hell I would want to carry these items around. Because guess what? They smell. (If you have the stomach go here: It's not pretty. It's goopy and gross and there is no way I would voluntarily carry that around. Nope. I saw my placenta hit the pan with both kids and both times I thought it was the grossest thing ever. And even when they cut the cord? I thought the stump thing was gross. Because it turns black and falls off and YUCK. Jackson has weird crusty even after it fell off because not all of it did and GROSS. I made Matt deal.
I don't think cutting a cord is any more traumatizing than being a baby and being shoved through a 10cm hole or ripped out of a stomach. THAT would be traumatizing. Thank god we can't remember that because let me tell you- if I could remember that? And how do you snuggle a baby with essentially a tail? Grossness. The first thing I did was wrapped them up and put them on my chest so they could hear my heart beat. My kids didn't appear to be traumatized by cutting the cord. Dang. Simmer down, hippies.
OK- so that concludes our news for the evening. What are your thoughts on any of these stories??


E said...

How fucking weird do people have to be?! Lotus birth, what the eff ever. Not even animals keep the placenta and umbilical cord attached, they bite it off usually eat the placenta (to not draw attention to a newborn whatever). Also I am not advocating eating a placenta after the birth of a child either, but of course there are some weidos who do that too. But seriously, WHAT THE FUCK people!

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

Sara I am so glad that you and I agree on all this stuff. And for real, this post makes me SO DAMN HAPPY.

Annah said...

Digusting about the Lotus birth. Goes to show people just have nothing better to do with their time and imagination.

Kate Hudson? Oh honey please! That'll be over in less than two months. Guaranteed. Didn't she say she was never getting married again?

____j said...

So, about that last part....I told Aaron about it, and we both tried really hard not to barf. UGH. WHO comes up with this crap?

Mommy Kerin said...

I laughed so hard I think I may have peed a little ;)

Shirley said...

I actually work in a Labor and Delivery department and have SEEN a lotus birth. It was disgusting and actually became dangerous to the child (lowers their blood count and all that fun stuff). But the hippie parents didn't care because they smelled like hardcore BO and I am pretty sure I saw a frog jump out of mom hippie's jungle bush.

No Longer 25 said...

I am so grossed out, the lotus thing is so disgusting. Who come up with these idea?!! My friend is due today, I don't think I'll be sending her the link cause I'm sure it will make her vomit.

Chicken said...

Item 1. The world cannont survive without humans, I know this for a fact. Because then the raccoons would starve for lack of camping coolers to break into at 3am.

Iten 2. Lotus Birth. Hmmm should I add this to my birth plan?

Sara said...

I thought the exact same thing! "Hello, you are a human, too! You idiot."

LOL at the dumb teen. I bet the lesson was on electricity and closed circuits. Fail.

Yeah, I've heard about that. To each their own, I guess. Definitely not for me. I never saw the placenta after J&J. Glad for it, too.

Sadako said...

Can't believe anyone would want to clamp anything to their nipples that's electrical. Well, outside the BDSM community.

SpiritPhoenix said...

Just more proof that society as a whole is bat shit crazy. But kinda hilarious at the same time.

Alessandra@ Tribal Times said...

You pretty much owe me $3.95 for the designer coffee that just came out of my nose from laughing so hard.

Julie H said...

One good thing about c sections, no seeing the afterbirth!! ICK. I can't imagine, that's so disgusting!

Another David said...

my friends at work and i read through his list of demands, dying from laughter. i found a typo in his third one, which is awful because you can't have typos in your manifesto. just can't.

and lotus birth? that's disgusting.