Sunday, May 1, 2011

What Not To Wear. According to Sara.

Before I get started I have to share this song I found and I'm in *love* with. I can't get it out of my head. This is going to be a great driving song this summer.

It seems like forever ago, but one of my lovely lambwhore blog readers submitted her Dear Sara question in the form of an entire blog post. Go HERE to read it.

And while I will never say I have any kind of personal style, I will say my mantra would be "try not to look like a fat ass" because that's what I do. I try to find clothes that will hide as many imperfections on my body as possible. So without further ado... here are my tips.

1. Do not wear rompers. Unless you are a toddler shopping at Gymboree, a grown ass adult should absolutely never, ever wear a romper. I'm sorry. They are not cute. Part of the problem is that most are strapless, and strapless can go one of two ways. If you have actual boobs that are D cup and over your boobs will look massive. You just can't make them look cute. They will pull the romper fabric forward and make you look weird. If you have boobs in the large B or C cup range- your boobs will look droopy. I look at these girls and they all have the droopy boob going on--- that's not attractive. And if you have an A cup? Don't. Just don't. You will only accentuate what you don't have.

2. Jumpsuits. Just like rompers. I hate them. You look ridiculous. I firmly believe you should not have to remove all of your clothing in order to pee. That's pressure nobody needs.

3. Pants with patterns. I'm talking about pants with animal prints or just a lot of pattern going on. Stop it folks. You aren't kidding anyone, we know your ass is full of cellulite. If you think that material of pant will let your cellulite stand out? Don't wear the pants.

4. Bikinis. Ladies. I understand bikinis come in a plethora of adorable patterns and styles. I know how bad you want to wear one. I know, I'm right there with you. But for the love of baby Jeebus and everyone else at the beach, please look in the mirror before stepping out. Now, I don't have a flat stomach at all and I've got my pouch. I don't know if I would ever have the balls to go out in a bikini unless I had a flat stomach. To me, seeing someone with a roll (or 3) isn't attractive. I wouldn't want people staring at that so I always make sure my bathing suit is flattering. Sure, they cost more but trust me- you will look better and you will feel better. And honestly? If you are shopping at Lane Bryant you have no business being in a bikini.

5. Jeans. Jeans are SO hard to buy and I get it. Especially if you have an ass and thighs. If you have a bubble butt (I do) then you need pockets on your ass. You do. Do not buy jeans with the pockets with a flap on them or anything decorations that say "Look at my ass" because you do not need that. Those are for girls with no ass. It's like faux ass for them. Ok?If you have more weight on the bottom buy a darker wash of pant- it is a total slimmer. And for the love of god- if you have a muffin top- you need the next size up. It sucks but it will make you look slimmer without the roll.

6. White is not a fat girl's friend. Black may be slimming, but white makes everything look bigger.

7. Accessories are fun. Seriously- they are. When in doubt either a silver or gold long necklace will do. *Unless* your shirt has a lot of beading, gemstone type things or a lot of detail in the neckline... then avoid necklaces. It's just too much. If you don't think you can get the whole necklace thing down- find a pair of earrings that match your shirt and then matching bracelets. Even if they aren't the same color.. look for colors that match what you ARE wearing. Like, if you have a blue shirt... try green, orange or yellow accessories for example. My rule of thumb is I wear two- I usually never wear bracelets, necklace and earrings all together-- unless an outfit can pull that off. If I wear bracelets I put at least 3 on and mix/match them.

So those are like... the things I keep in mind when I shop for myself. And when I do go shopping, I always look at the pictures on the wall, how they have the mannequins dressed. They pay people a lot of money for this kind of advertising- use it. A great store to do this in really is Maurices. They have funky sizing (like, a large in one shirt might be an XL in another similar style) so take two sizes of stuff to try on. And if you find a shirt or something you really like in a store and don't know what it would go with? ASK someone-- that is their job. They know everything that is in that store and you maybe walked by a really cute matching sweater without giving it a second thought.

My go to outfit is always a pair of jeans and a bright colored top. I'm a HUGE fan of plain colored tshirts with a matching lace bottom cami underneath. (Maurices sells *the best* lace bottom cami ever in a bunch of colors.) Then I wear matching accessories and cute shoes.

And my last piece of advice? If you don't think you look good? Or you think it fits/feels weird? Don't buy it.

What fashion don't do you think people should avoid??


Oilfield Trash said...

My my my, you did top the last post about this subject. LOVE IT!!!!

SherilinR said...

i'm such a bad dresser. ever since i ceased being a sz 8, i've felt like i needed to hide, so i wear boring clothes most of the time. and jewelry scares me, but i've been working on overcoming that fear. if my clothes are boring, maybe i can at least have a cute necklace or bracelette on to distract people from my frump.
i'm totally with you on that romper business. it drove me nuts last season on america's next top model when tyra wore a romper/jumpsuit thingie every week.
i think tankini are a pooly mom's best friend. you get the convenience of a bikini for going to the bathroom, but the coverage of a one piece. what's not to love?

Anonymous said...

I try to keep things as classic as possible. No funky prints at all, no weird ass accessories. Timeless is what I go for. And people seriously- no crocs. omg.

C said...


I have a mid-sized ass and I avoid jeans with pockets for the most part. They really are for those who are ass-deficient.

SpiritPhoenix said...

I hate leggings and skinny jeans with a passion. Well, also high waist pants of any kind. (Why do they continue to make dress pants that go up past your belly button?)

No one looks good in leggings. You either look like you stuffed yourself in a sausage casing. Or if you are thin, you are just accentuating your anorexic looking twig legs.

Shirley said...

Thank you for answering my question. I don't even own accessories. I will have to get some and tell you how it goes.

Unknown said...

leggings should NOT be worn as pants, with nothing covering your ass! Also...25 inch high heels, NOT hot, especially if you can't walk in them!

Jo-Anne's Ramblings said...

I agree you should not have to undress to pee that is just wrong. Leggings should only be worn with a long top or short dress and never if they look weird on,I do sometimes wonder if people look at themselves befort leaving the house......

High wasited pants are good if you have a large belly but only if you wear a suitable top with them, I can not wear hipsters they just do not feel right on but then I am 48 maybe that has something to do with it......

I love watching shows like "What Not to Wear" although I do not always agree with the advice given..........

I also think it is good to take someone who is honest with you when clothes shopping as if my ass looks big in something or I look like a side of beef in a dress I want to be told so, shop assistants will not tell you the truth they want a sale........if you do have to shop alone make sure you can return the item if you get home and get told it looks awful on you.

On so many of those fashion shows they push for you to wear high heals but if you do not feel comfortable in them don't or go for a wedge type heal.

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

Layers. I know a lot of people think if they add layers it'll make them look bigger but if you do it the right way you can look put together and really good no matter what your size.

Nicki said...

I always LOVE your advice posts...but "It's like faux ass for them" is officially my new favorite Saraism.