Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Conversations I never thought I'd have.

The thing about having kids is you find yourself saying things (over and over and over) that you would never think you'd catch yourself saying. Such as:

1. I can't tell you how many times a day I say, "Jackson, tuck your pee pee" so he doesn't spray the entire bathroom in urine.

2. How many times a day do I ask the status on everyone's poop? Several.

3. If I'm lucky, everyone will poop but I have to be enthusiastic when they show me. I've refused to do the potty dance because I'm a terrible mother and that's what terrible mother's do. They don't do the potty dance. Instead, I've settled for, "Wow, Olivia! Good job! That's a big one!" as I grab the special spoon to break it up so it doesn't clog the toilet. Again.

4. If I'm not lucky, I have to have the "farting is a clue" conversation with both kids.

5. Today I reminded Matt that Jackson wants a dog. He told me today, "All I want is my own doggie. A real one. That licks." See? The boy just wants to be licked. Matt could easily make his dreams come true by getting Jackson a dog. A cute, fluffy one would also be ideal for Olivia. And me. But mostly Jackson. So after Matt telling me no (again), I told him I'm going to tell Jackson he can't get a doggy because daddy is mean and lazy. Matt thinks I'll only scar Jackson. I strive to be the favorite in every situation.

6. I had to yell at Batman because he's not only eating Q-tips again, but he's moved to chewing plastic bags to shreds. So my neighbor heard me say, "God dammit, Batman! Q tips are not food!". She was totally justified when she stared at my window like a crazy person lives here.

7. Also today I had a conversation with Olivia on how if you don't eat your meal you get no snacks. I'm sorry, but I don't feel bad for someone who refuses to eat her lunch then is begging for snacks an hour later. Sorry. This mama? Doesn't care. Sadly, I realize this only makes me sound exactly like my mom. Which is good and bad.

8. This afternoon I had to explain to Jackson why it's not OK to show people your pee pee. Even if you are proud of it. In addition, how it's not OK to play/tug on it even if it feels good on the couch. I keep telling him he needs to go to his room and I get no backup from Matt. Please tell me it's OK for me to tell him he has to do that in his room?!

9. Or why it's not OK to put sand down your pants even if it makes your butt feel weird.

10. This week I'm also battling with Matt on why he won't just fix something in the house. Instead, he just complains about having to do half ass fixes. I feel like, as adults, there is no reason we should be having the same conversation over and over again. If I have to explain to him why it'd be beneficial to fix the fucking laundry sink one more time, I will likely lose it. Today as I'm unplugging the sink and swearing, I saw red mist in my eyes. It was probably good he wasn't home because I am at my end.

I don't know what it is lately but I catch myself right after I say something and think, dammit. I'm such a grown up with kids. And that's scary. But truly, when I add up the times I talk about human excrement and how we keep certain body parts covered up, it's sad. This is my life, folks. This is it.


Jandy xx said...

i miss you! i dont comment anywhere near as much as i should! i'll fix that! i fwd your email bout the roadtrip to my sis, and she's going to look into what we can do so you dont have a 6 hour drive! we can take detours, so we can drive to extra 6 to you if need be xx

Julie H said...

LOL too funny! I've had several times in my being a mother that I've thought to myself "my mother just flew right out of my mouth".

So what has to be done to fix that f'ing sink? I think we should set up a plumber fund so you can get that thing fixed already.

Jo-Anne's Ramblings said...

Oh yeah we all have those conversations over and over again I also often have the same conversation with Bumble Bee or Harris the dinosaur about how they are not allowed to throw Leo's toys all over the room and they must help Leo clean them up.......see I talk to toys......

Being a mum is so much

Cherie said...

Haha you really crack me up.

Not a parent, so I don't have the joys of talking about poop and pee-pees. Sounds like it would be both an endearing time.. and a sometimes frustrating one.

Being a grown up can be hard -- I don't even know how hard because a lot of the things "grown ups" do is still lost on me, but it seems like you handle it with grace! Kudos!

middle child said...

#7 and #8. Prime examples of why I think you are very wise. I am no one of consquence yet oddly....I feel the need to tell you I am proud of you. How weird is that?

Catherine said...

It is amazing how you can sound so grown up and like an adult ... even when you don't feel it. I def think the discussions on children and toileting habits(or lack of them) has given me some of those moments.

Canadianbloggergirl said...

Its ok to tell you son to go to his room, that is appropriate.

I'm so very much with you with the no meal no snack. I'm going thru that with Sweet Pea and I tell ya its sooooo frustrating.

Same thing with hubby. He says he'll do it, but.....two months later after a bi-weekly reminder its still not done.



Wanna go on a vacation with me?


Amy said...

If Matt won't go for the fluffy dog, maybe Jackson should have a fainting goat. Just sayin'!

Ang said...

I've told Steve OVER and OVER - when you talk to cats... they have NO CLUE what you're saying. all Batman hears is 'blah blah blah' - probably not going to stop eating Q-tips... sorry to break this news to you! LOL

SpiritPhoenix said...

Thanks for the laugh!!! I can totally relate. Also, I don't do a poopy dance either. I give high fives to my daughter when she goes potty in the potty. Of course, afterwards, we all wash our hands. ;)

asj said...

you crack me up. seriously. I can't wait until I have babies so I can think "what would sara strand do?" then again, I can barely deal with my dog getting a boner and showing it off, I dont think I'm ready to have those convos with a kid!

Ruth said...

I am with you on the snack thing. I always found it weird when people(grandparents or parents) let kids not eat or not finish and then an hour later let them have ice cream or candy.

My cat will find fluffy from the inside of old furniture and eat it. It seems to make her high. I think we got rid of the chair or she ate all the fluff.

Anonymous said...

lol oh Sara..... I can't say that I'm jealous of these conversations, but they do make for good blog posts :) If you need to get away, you know where I live ;) I even gave you a nice Paint picture describing how to get here! haha

Dana said...

OMG, this totally made me laugh. #4 is hilarious!