Thursday, July 14, 2011

It's one of those... weeks. Or months. I can't even tell yet.

I've had a pretty rough week and I'm at the point where I just want to ask someone what the hell. Seriously, what the hell. I don't understand why everything in my life has to be so fucking hard. I can't go an extended time where something doesn't drop on my lap when I least expect it.

I try so hard to be a good mom, a good wife, a good daughter, a good friend and just a good person. I do. I try really hard and for the most part I feel like I do a good job at balancing everything and everybody. But sometimes... I just don't know. I've never been shy when I talk about the issues in my life and the things I deal with and there are lots of big things I've never told you all and some things I've never talked to anyone about. And maybe I won't... I don't know. But I feel like the purpose of my blog was never to get validation from other people, but just have you all as a sounding board. Like a group of friends I vent to and get feedback from. And that's helpful.l So for tonight.. I'm just going to vent.
  • Sometimes I feel completely unloved and not respected at home. I work just as hard as Matt and sometimes I feel like because I'm not working full time that I'm not regarded as working as hard. But aside from my part time job I am the sole person running this house, taking care of the kids and keeping everyone moving and happy. It's hard work.
  • I don't like being lied to. I wish people would understand that when you lie- it will ALWAYS come out eventually. I don't know why a person feels like they have to lie to me. I'm pretty laid back, open minded and understanding.
  • And hiding something is just as bad as lying. Again, I will ALWAYS find out.
  • My definition of cheating is when you do something you won't tell another person. If you have to hide it, you shouldn't be doing it.
  • I feel disappointed in the choices I've made- I feel like maybe I wasted a part of my life on something that was never going to change.
  • I don't want to talk to anyone and hear that they told me so. That doesn't help me or anything.
  • I'm stressed out about Olivia starting Kindergarten. I feel like a part of me is getting older far beyond it's time.
  • Sometimes I want to run away.
  • I'm undecided how I want the rest of my life to play out.
  • I just really want to not have to worry about another person's actions because it's always me that deals with their consequences.
  • I don't know why people have to be so selfish.
  • I don't understand how a person who say they were my friend could just disappear as if the friendship never meant anything at all. Without even being an adult and just talking to me. And then wonder why they are so lonely in life.
  • I can't keep giving and not get anything back.
  • I'm glad I have a really great group of core friends who make me smile and try to keep me going.
  • I don't like marathon training.
  • I miss living by an ocean.
I'm in a funk, yall. I don't know. But in times like this I usually rely on my brother to just talk stuff out with and I can't because we're both busy. We're both tired. But I miss him anyways. This song always makes me think of him. 

"Oh brother, I can't, I can't get through.
I've been trying hard to reach you because I don't know what to do.
Oh brother, I can't believe it's true.
I'm so scared about the future, and I want to talk to you."

I hope this all blows over as quickly as it came because quite honestly, I just can't handle everything at once. I know people say God can't give you more than you can handle and that's just simply not true. It just really isn't.

I'll rally and bounce back for you tomorrow. Tomorrow is Dear Sara, with a VLOG (oh yes, it shall be back), so send me your questions at sarastrand9438(at)hotmail(dot)com or leave me a comment in this post. Ciao, bitches.


Anonymous said...

Oh darling I love you bunches and I hate that you're in a funk. I know things are hard and complicated right now. I think we all go through moments like this when we ask ourselves "what the fuck." But it's more like screaming WTF WORLD!?!?!? And asking ourselves "is this it?" Hopefully you can talk this situation out with this person and come to an understanding or resolution. Just keep your chin up.

And then keep in mind a psychic might have some answers for you in November ;)

Oilfield Trash said...

Girl keep your chin up. Funks like this come and go, but don't feel like you are alone. 6 days a week I feel like that with my kids and my brother and how they treat me.

Shirley said...

I wish that I had something awesome to say. But Lloyd knows I am probably the last person that should be handing out advice. I try to think about the great things in my life because they can be the only things that get me through these rough weeks. And I think that once you decide how you want the rest of your life to play will happen because you seem to be a person with amazing determination. Lots of happy vibes heading your way:)

Unknown said...

i completely feel you. life is kicking me in the ass too.

Cherie said...

Lameee! I'm sorry you're having one of those times. It seems like that's how life is, though. You can only be happy for so long before things start blowing up in your face.

And yeah, working part time AND taking care of the kids full time is HARD work and you should be appreciated, thanked, bowed to, etc. for doing all that.

Things always turn around, though, and I hope they do quickly for you!

Katie said...

595 followers and only ONE COMMENT?? come on you freakin lamb whores give a girl some "upper" comments for the love of PETER PAUL AND MARY!!!
Queen lamb whore - if a flash of my gross, saggy after baby, fried egg looking nanners will at least put a SMILE on your face - I am willing to take one for the team :)
~on a serious note - I totally appreciate your honesty. sometimes i read blogs and think damn am i the only loser that wants to throw a blanket over my head some days???? i feel like kids aren't perfect, husbands aren't perfect, LIFE isn't perfect and I SURE AS HELL am not perfect (pretty close though). I know nothing anybody says can make how you feel change, but I think you're pretty awesome and if you were my wife I'd buy you a yard FULL of fainting goats.

Jill said...

When it rains it pours!

I get in funks once in a while too.

Here's a verse from Rilke:

I love the dark hours of my being.
My mind deepens into them.
There I can find, as in old letters,
the days of my life, already lived,
and held like a legend, and understood.

Then the knowing comes: I can open
to another life that's wide and timeless.

*Try to embrace the suckage, it's easier to move on and keep on.

Julie H said...

I hope things start looking up for you. Life just sucks sometimes!

Gini said...

SUCK! It'll get better....even if it's all a smelly gross bitch right now. :(

Ruth said...

Life is like a big roller coaster and sometimes it would be so nice to get off for a breather. Sometimes I want to run away too.

Jen said...

oh swee ie, ( ou'll have o imagine e le ers be ween r and u on he ke board, he 're no working !)
PLEASE find some $ and go back on ur an idepressan s!! U migh no realise, bu u sound like depression jus came back. I know, ur life remains jus as hard, bu ur able o cope and smile a lil easier. I was drowning in crap before I wen on mine, I hough I was depressed, urns ou I have an anxie disorder, leading o depression. SO MUCH improved on meds, and u know u are also.
Sorr for awful missing le ers, lappie needs fixing, no $. Sending u hugs and unders anding babe.

Steff said...

I hope things start going your way! I hate it when I'm in a funk...just know it will always go away!