Friday, May 18, 2012

Half Naked Men. Holla.

So last Friday, I got together with some of my favorite friends (Tammy, Emily and Amy) to see the Chippendales. There is so much that I can write about that evening, but I'm going to try to give you a good idea how it was without taking forever.

First off, we ate at the buffet at the Hinckley Casino. Um, worst decision ever- that shit be foul. FOUL. I couldn't even look forward to the dessert bar because even that was shit. About 3/4 of the dessert bar was unrecognizable so I couldn't eat it. But there were highlights to this dinner:
 Toward the end of our meal, a really unattractive looking middle aged couple who looked as if they lived in a trailer that they possibly haul around sat next to us. With a mother fucking ANIMAL CARRIER. In a restaurant. The fact that the restaurant was even OK with this should be alarming to anyone.
 Also special was our waitress. I only got a blurry shot of her here, but she was straight out of 1974. She pretty much told us that she went to the Chippendales "back when you could really touch them" and that was  all sorts of creepy.

Then we walked through the smokiest casino ever and made our way to the show area. We got semi decent seats in the section to the side of the stage. But let me tell you something- as my first time seeing male strippers, I felt grossly over dressed. I didn't slut it up like I wanted to because I felt fat that day, but I felt like I still looked cute. But the majority of these women were wearing very little and almost all of them should have been wearing more because we don't want to see your vagina.

The men on the show were pretty attractive for the most part. There were only two that were big non turn on's for me. First up, Kevin.

I have to be honest- long hair on a guy does nothing for me. Also what does nothing for me? Giant moles on the back of your thigh near your ass. Fail.

Next up? Bryan.

Bryan, let's have a chat. First up, you can't sing. I know you are on this tour primarily as the man who sings to top 40 hits while others strip to thongs. I know you apparently made it to the semi finals of America's Got Talent but I am telling you that you cannot sing. Also not attractive? The fact you have YOUR initials tattooed to your lower abdomen. I'm sorry, what's that about? It's not hot. It's kind of cheesy as fuck and not attractive.

The best part of the show was watching a woman give a blow job to a banana like a god damn PRO. If I could have gotten a lesson from her, I'd be making a lot of money right now. She even blew the damn strippers away because that lady knew what she was doing.

Obviously the best part of the entire show was laughing my ass off until I had tears rolling down my face. I just can't take any many seriously while he gyrates like that. I just can't. But I had such a great time because it was my first time and it was so cheesy, it was a really fun time.

On Saturday, my mom and I had our yard sale for the majority of the day and I got sun burned. That's not hot. But later that evening, Tammy and I decided that we would go to another casino to see the Thunder From Down Under.

Um, yes please. I figured that these guys are a little more my speed because I have a thing about half naked boys in jeans. I can't help it.

The best part of this event were the people. Holy jesus. I though that the hot mess women on Friday were bad, oh they had NOTHING on the ladies from Saturday. First up, this group of women were far more rowdy than on Friday. I made friends with three drunk girls next to me. The one who's name was Sara as well was 35 and unhappily married as she slurred to me. So, yay. She dumped most of her drink into my shoe as well as her pickle. Yeah, this chick had a pickle in her cosmopolitan, and it felt into my shoe. That was kind of awkward.

But what Tammy and I did not know was that the men actually came out into the crowd to rub themselves on you, they want you to shove money down their thongs, they hug you, you will be violated. If you have a personal space issue, you absolutely should not go to this show. I'm just sayin.
But before I get onto the men, check out this fat bride. Now, this chick was wearing a corset at LEAST two sizes two small. The strings were yelling for help and her friends had to take turns re-tying her in because it would just come apart. She was very big and was very much spilling out. She also had this cheap white boa that was loosing it's feathers so at the end of the night it looked as if she had suffocated a chicken with her thighs.

So onto the men, bitches!

Dave was kind of hot.

But my favorite? I would have done filthy things to him right then and there to Benny the emcee.

Admittedly, I have a thing for boys with mohawks. He had kind of the alt rocker/bad boy/cocky/funny hot guy combination which was always kind of my weakness. And then you through on an accent and yeah. Cleanup in row 3, seat 2 please.

But this show was insane. The men would come out and dance badly, take off clothes, then come out to the crowd and you'll get your ass slapped, boob grabbed, hugged, gyrated against, etc. The great thing was that the drunk girl next to me kept giving me money to shove down men's pants. I'm sorry, but who is going to turn that down? So I got my hand down some pants, I got a hug from Dave (see above) and he slapped my ass. So win.

It was a good weekend. If male strippers come again, I would totally go. I laughed so hard at  both shows and totally got into the filthy woman role. It was a great time and Tammy totally said she'd go with me again. HA. Desperate housewives unite.


Jennifer Kay said...

I wish I could have watched the banana scene so I know if I'm doing what other girls perceive as "the right way" or if I'm doing it all wrong for twenty years and thinking I'm all that and a bag of chips...

Shirley said...

I went to Thunder Down Under in Vegas and my girlfriend almost lost her hearing when one of the guys thrusted his wang into the side of her head. I almost peed I laughed so hard.

Jo-Anne's Ramblings said...

I have never been to a male strip show once apond a time it was something I wanted to do but not so much lately...........but I do agree with you the guys in the first show not hot in any way shape or form.....

____j said...

So, next time let me know & I'll trick Matt into coming, too ;)

Julie H said...

I've never been to a strip club of any kind. Someday I'd like to go to the Thunder Down Under in Vegas!

Shannon @ Bungalow960 said...

I am going to a drag queen show while I'm in Portland in August. Andy agreed to go with me. It will be GLORIOUS.

Ang said...

nothing better than a room full of woman who think they are sexy and showing off their crotches... SO ANNOYING!
I suppose the men helped a little bit though :)