Sunday, May 6, 2012

Stop raping the line.

I have had a really busy weekend and I want nothing more than to crash into my bed with freshly washed sheets, but instead I am going to write a post about bad drivers.

Am I the best driver in the world? No. I have only been in three accidents in my life and all of them were because people can't follow simple road laws. One I was rear ended while letting an old man cross the street, in the crosswalk, and the driver behind me was on the phone. One was when I was driving down the icy road and a car from a side street slammed on his breaks at the last minute and slammed into the back of me as I went by (he had a stop sign, I did not). And one was when I rear ended someone who decided to stop in the middle of the road for no reason and try to turn after passing the actual turn. With that said, I have a real problem with people who don't know how to drive or are afraid to drive.

Let me just say that if you get nervous driving in traffic? Get off the fucking road. If you can't manage your vehicle then you need to not be in control of it. If you don't know the laws of the road you most certainly should not be on the road.

Here are the things that make me wish I could stab other drivers. I can't obviously do that but I often pass them waving my favorite finger:

  • Leaving your blinker on. How do you not hear the "tink tink" noise your blinker makes when it's on? Assuming your deaf, how do you not see the blinking thing on your dash indicating your blinker is on?Are you fucking blind? 
  • If you are going to turn, just fucking turn. You don't need to drift a little into the lane next to you to give yourself turning room. The turning lane is wide enough for your vehicle and you don't need to come weaving into my lane because you can't turn your piece of shit Jetta.
  • Speaking of lanes? Lanes are designed to fit all cars. The goal is to keep your vehicle in the middle of that lane. You don't need to rape the god damn middle line and make me wonder if you are trying to switch lanes and are scared, if you're drunk, or perhaps you're senile and have broken out of the old folks home. 
  • If the speed limit is 35 mph (as it is through most of the town I live in, and it's ridiculous), don't be cruising at 30. We're already going snail speed as it is, try to keep up with traffic. If you are scared to get yourself up to 35, you maybe should either not be driving or at least get in the slow lane so the rest of us aren't late for work. 
  • When you drive in a parking lot, you still need to follow traffic laws. You can't just drive willy nilly with no concern for those of us who actually are following parking lot rules. 
  • Stop texting while driving. You're already a terrible driver as it is, this only makes you worse. Every time I see someone texting while driving I feel like ramming my vehicle into theirs and then get them into trouble with a police officer. 
  • Please for the love of mother fucking god, stop putting your makeup on, brushing teeth, flossing, or picking your nose while driving. It's gross and it makes other drivers hate you for being so unorganized with life that you can't manage to do this at home and think it's ok to put all of our lives at risk because you're an asshole. 
  • When it says "do not enter" or "one way only", they aren't joking. And if you disobey those signs and are driving the wrong way on a four lane road that is always extremely busy, please don't honk and give me the finger because you're in your 80's and should have your license taken away. 
So yeah. All of this happened in the last two days of me running errands. It's a miracle I'm not currently detained in a county jail right now. 


Jo-Anne's Ramblings said...

Oh how I hear you my friend, I have something I will add here if you can't park it don't drive it......
meaning if the car is so big you have to park in two spots because you can't manage to get it into one spot get a smaller car.........

Whiskeymarie said...

My biggest gripe lately is NOBODY USING BLINKERS- EVER! I can't believe how many people I've seen lately making LEFT turns w/o bothering with that pesky little blinker. Idiots.
And yes- the slow driving thing seems to have reached epidemic proportions lately. Yesterday I got stuck behind someone going 15-20 down Grand Ave. I probably could have parked my car, jogged a bit and caught up with them to punch them in the face. Argh.

Ang said...

I've always been a believer that at a certain age we should ALL have to re-take the drivers test... let's face it, we lose our shit as we age... it's only fair to everyone, if you can't drive at 80, then get off the road.
AND... I have NO IDEA how people drive and do all that stuff - putting on make-up?! are you kidding me, I can barely do that in front of my mirror at home!
and the only thing I can come up with for the blinker is maybe the radio is too loud ?? I don't know.