Thursday, July 12, 2012

Because you are all due a post about my ghetto home.

Everybody who knows me in real life has heard about our home improvement projects, my big plans and Matt's lack of ambition and vision. They've also heard about the less than amazing laundry room I am currently rocking. (If you have never seen that post or new here, you really need to read it to get the full visual of what I am talking about so you can fully embrace my rage.)

I want you to be perfectly clear that the Great Laundry Sink Project has been in the works for seven years. SEVEN YEARS, bitches. Matt assured me seven years ago it would be the first project we'd take on. He even bought a sink right away.

Fast forward two years and he buys a few plumbing pieces. We can't do the project because that ended up being the summer we put the addition onto the house and we discovered we make a terrible team and he has poor money management and project management skills.

Fast forward another two years and he buys the cabinet that the sink drops into.

Fast forward to this year and that's all the further I am. Yet with every load of laundry, my current concrete sink peels a little more and I have to unclog the sink using my handy wire hanger I have fashioned into a sink unclogger, and I have to scoop out sludge while a flurry of bad words flies out of my mouth and the kids know mommy isn't in the mood.

All along Matt's excuse when I ask him is that we need the counter top. Golly gee whiz, he just can't do anything without the counter top and oh shucks, we can't afford it. After ten years together/eight years of marriage you'd think that by now... he would figure out that I will always get my way. Always. I have never not gotten my way. I'm smarter, I'm sneakier and I have a vagina and that trumps everything. Which led us to the Home Depot Tantrum of 2012.

We were at Home Depot last weekend for the Kids Workshop. After the kids made their little trucks or whatever, we were perusing the aisles for light bulbs and other miscellaneous things you don't need but buy since you're there. I purposely waited until Matt asks his usual, "Anything else, babe?" and I pipe in with, "Why, yes. Let's go look at counter tops." He gives me the questioning stare as to why I would want to look at such a thing when I say, "Because I have an extra $100 to get the counter top and the rest of the plumbing for the laundry sink."

Folks, it was a Kodak moment.

I saw a mix of rage, anger, and seven shades of pissed off flash across his face and ultimately... a sense of defeat. If it had been appropriate to say, "Check mate, bitch" I would have.. but the kids were with. But you know I said it my head for good measure.

We ended up getting the four foot section of counter top and a few more plumbing pieces and made it home. Matt put down his pimp hand by refusing to eat anywhere by Old Country Buffet for lunch which is low. Everybody knows that's got to be in the top 10 of most disgusting places to eat and nothing you eat there will digest properly if at all. Olivia even said half of the food didn't look right.

But where does that leave the laundry sink now?

Good question. The pieces are all out in the garage anxiously awaiting their use. Matt is telling me he has to work on Saturday now and I know he's lying and I'm calling bullshit. He's dragging his feet on this and I don't know how to get him to do it using legal and safe methods. I mean, if he shows up to the ER after being shanked, someone is going to be asking questions. It's not a matter of him not being able to do it, it's more a matter of he hates plumbing and doesn't want to do it. I told him I'm more than happy to hire a professional, but that's a bill in the thousands and if he wants to work 7 days a week at 12 hours a day for 6 months so we can afford it, be my guest. But he doesn't like that option either, obviously.

I have told Matt that this project needs to get done ASAP because I have a secret mission to get the front porch done before fall. SSHHH.. Matt has no idea but Operation Front Porch budget is being developed.

Stay tuned.


Ryan Adair said...

Hahahaha aha! "Check mate bitch!"

I died!

Hahahahahahahaha omg. I love your home renovation posts more than I should. I get giddy. You're hilarious.

Shannon @ Bungalow960 said...

I will drive you to the pig farm. We will get shit done.

FinnyKnits said...

Tell him there's a "hooker in it for him" if he gets the laundry room done in the next week.

And then give him the wire hanger sink declogger.

THEN (after making sure your innocent childrens are out of earshot) say, "Check mate bitch." out loud.

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

Well played, very well played.

Tell him you watched a You Tube video & this guy totally had it set up & working in under an hour. Anyone has an hour, somewhere in their day. Plus it will challenge his manhood to do it in the same amount of time.

____j said...

You are so witty! And I love that you are always 10 steps ahead of him. Poor Matt ;)

SpiritPhoenix said...

Why don't you do it. Have someone watch the kids and put it in. It can't be that hard. Then you don't have to wait for his slow ass to do it, it gets done and you can then taunt him with it.

That is unless you want to nag, nag, nag.

Or you could put off doing something for him. Come up with excuses for a few years. LOL

Life Love & High Heels said...

Oh gosh... I can't wait to hear his response when you tell him about the porch!