Thursday, July 26, 2012

Pants are important.

Before I forget as I am likely to do, email your questions for tomorrow's Dear Sara post to: sarastrand9438(at)hotmail(dot)com. I have a couple I'm going to do and if I can get my act together I might even have a little comeback surprise for you. We'll see so don't hold your breath. I can't be held liable.

It has been an epidemic for years in the making and I have about had it with people continuing the god damn disgusting trend of insufficient use of pants.

As a chunky girl, or at least one who has what is referred to as junk in the trunk and thunder thighs, I know how hard it is to find pants that not only look decent but cover up your full ass. It's important for you to know that muffin top is its own epidemic and it's equally as horrible.

I understand that it's depressing to know that what was once your favorite pair of pants no longer fit you. We've all been there and it's an awful realization. You often combat this with eating an entire bag of Cheetos while wondering out loud how you even got to be this way.

And while I'm sympathetic to an extent, at some point you just have to bitch slap a person back into reality. Nobody wants to see your scars from giving birth and what looks like a Mexican discount c-section on your stomach. If your stomach has been mutilated in any way for any reason, you need to cover that shit up. I don't want to look over at you while I'm having lunch only to see your stomach which looks like it has gone through a meat grinder.

I don't care how skinny you feel in your head or how skinny you are in real life- there is a point at which a skirt is too god damn short. A good litmus test for the length of your skirt if you have morals or children should be that your skirt doesn't go any higher than your fingertips with your arms down. Anything shorter automatically puts you in the hoochie category and classless and I don't care who you are. That's disgusting. With skirts that do come shorter than that you run the risk of showing everyone your vagina. While in Target the other day I see a semi good looking 20something guy who'd be better looking if his underwear (which looked old and dingy as it was) wasn't showing like this:

I don't know one woman who has ever looked at a man in old man boxers and was like, "DAMN. I'd like to date him!" No. You know why? Because boxers are not attractive. But that fact aside, the real low point was I over hear him telling someone further down the aisle to "Pull that down. Seriously, it's too short.". Out of sheer curiosity I obviously look down this aisle only to see a 20something chunky girl with unfortunate hair extensions and a terrible manicure on her talons with a skirt so damn short that I absolutely could see her vagina. And it looked angry.

Guys? You know what I am talking about when I say it looked angry. Ladies? We've all had an angry vagina at some point and all of us know that's when you close shop until it is back in tip top shape. EVERYBODY KNOWS THIS.

Except her. Not to mention she's rocking the cellulite worse than I have and I've had two kids so I have every right to have cellulite and stretch marks. Now granted, she might have kids. She might have an army of children and those might be battle scars of motherhood and you shouldn't be ashamed of that except when you are flashing your vagina in a Target, that you should be ashamed of.

And while I'm on that subject, if you are a mother? You have absolutely no business wearing booty shorts. Even if you are a teen mom, you automatically lose the right to be wearing booty shorts because you are a mother. And to put it in perspective for you young, booty shorts loving mothers out there, imagine YOUR mom wearing booty shorts and dropping you off at school. You'd be mortified and you know it.

Then you see teenagers out in the world dressing like absolute sluts with their vagina flashing shorts and hardly any tops on at all and while I get they are young and should embrace their beauty while they have it, come ON, moms. I know when I was younger I wanted to dress like Madonna and made it as far as the dining room before my mom laughed in my face and told me to put some god damn clothes on. To this day, I have no idea where I got those clothes, but I know my mother didn't buy them. And I definitely didn't leave the house wearing them. But why is it that teenagers have no modesty anymore? Do you not care that every one can see your vagina? Doesn't the breeze bother you? Why are parents letting their daughters go out like that?

Even Olivia at age 6, I monitor her dress like I should because I'm her parent. Trying to buy shorts for her this year was TERRIBLE. Every pair of shorts were very, very short to the point where if she sits down, you clearly see her underwear. Now, that's disgusting. Those shorts are her last resort shorts when I haven't gotten to laundry yet that week- everything else is a skort that has the built in short underneath because hello- perverts hang out at parks. I don't want her out there playing with some creeper getting off on seeing her underwear or something. Yet parents send their teenage daughters out into the world of pedophiles and testosterone heavy boys. Awesome.

So in all, as your plan your Christmas shopping lists (shut up, it's almost August bitches) please just buy everyone a pair of pants. And give some feminine wash as stocking stuffers. Our world might look a whole lot different in January if we did this.


middle child said...

Well. There's alot I could comment on but I will stick to two things.
1. Boxers are totally HOT!
2. I am pretty cool with alot of things like mohawks, purple hair, bra straps showing, little dogs in purses. But. I will never understand the "pants on the ground" thing. What's holding them up? Certainly not a hard-on. Too? Who thinks it's sexy to wear your pants in a way that makes you look like you have a totally full diaper?!

Gini said...

POSSIBLY your best post yet. Holy fucking shit, I cannot stop laughing.

Shannon @ Bungalow960 said...

Thanks. Now I lost my appetite for breakfast. Maybe I need you to send me these pictures around mealtime everyday during my diet.

Ang said...

Changing the world, one whore at a time. I so agree with you.
Steve and I play the 'cunt' game (I know the word isnt PC, but I dont give a shit) when we got to packed venues we call "cunt" when we see a vagina because of too short clothing... who ever calls the most wins. It's sick the numbers we get to :(

Unknown said...

Oh. My. Goodness. Sara, hilarious. I wonder if Miss Manners has ever used the term "angry vagina" or "hoochie".
And the pictures, oh the pictures.

I do love wearing some booty shorts though. In my house. Not in public. Well, in my yard, which I guess given that we don't have a fence and live 10 feet from a busy gas station is public . . . but, I do change before I go to the store or something. We need a fence.

SpiritPhoenix said...

I totally agree with you. And you want to hear something hilarious? I found out from someone recently that the whole saggy pants thing and showing your underwear started in prison. It indicated that you were looking for some anal. I bet if half the guys knew that, they'd be buying belts in bulk.