Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Assholes and Losers.

Oh, what's Christmas without a bitchy post from me? Lucky for you the worst of society come out in full force and provide me with some great material.

Let's all thank them now.

 So.. I saw this guy awhile ago and I keep forgetting to post it. The sticker says, "The only Bush I trust is my own". Ha.

My cats are fucking pigs. They are out of control binge eaters. This was the scene on Sunday:
 I will also have you know that Stumpy then pulled himself across the floor to eat, wouldn't even stand up. It's shameful.

Today was Olivia's Holiday Sing-A-Long at school. This was my view for a good portion of it.
 I'm sorry, but how do you not feel the draft? Or the cold of the floor when you move around? And why aren't you wearing underwear? What the fuck is wrong with you??

So I saw this on my way to work on Monday. This is the second time I've seen this old guy on his adult tricycle with full Packer fan gear on.
 If that were my dad, he'd be in a nursing home immediately.

So I saw these at Sears and Olivia and I both agree we need the purple hippo. Obviously. I want the Abominable Snowman, but I feel like he should be huge. At least bigger than the hippo, right?
 Oh and I also want the rubber duck as well as the Snoopy mailbox. Matt has no idea that the plan is to get these the day after Christmas.
 And because it's December you know what the means? The big post office trip. Do you think I could get any help on a Saturday from my husband? No. No I could not. Not even the asshole smoking his cigarette outside of the post office door helped me in any way, not even opening the door. Nope. Instead, I carried this stack of boxes that when on the floor come up to my waist. So when I carry them? The top one teeters over my head, threatening to fall over and I can't see shit. So I get into the post office and do you think anyone would be like, "Hey- let me move my fat ass off the table so you can set these down!". No. No, they do not. I swear, the quickest way to kill the Christmas spirit is by visiting the post office.

I appreciate that the post office is busy and they probably deal with the worst the city has to offer who are always stupid and rude. I get it. But when I try to be cheery, and helpful, and patient? I would appreciate it if you at least pretended that you didn't hate your job. You know? When I say, "Hi! How are you?", you can do more than grunt. It's just common courtesy, bitch. So I had to mail these four boxes and buy enough stamps for 100 cards.

Ignore this shitty photo. I don't know why it's shitty. 
Because you know I hand made my cards and started printing our family brochure. We're so much better than a Christmas letter, lambs. So I buy all of this stuff and guess what my total is? 

Oh, just guess. 

Well over $75, that's what. 


So then I get home and realize my printer is out of ink so not every brochure got printed. I can't buy ink because I have to buy gas for my rental which oh hey- is a 21 gallon tank and I get maybe 15 mpg if I'm lucky on this piece of shit rental so I spent almost $75 on that. Fucking rental. I tell you what, if you own a Dodge? You are getting ripped off and driving a glorified piece of plastic on wheels. It's like a piece of Tupperware with wheels with shit options. Today it's making a weird noise, windshield wipers don't work and it rattles. Awesome. No word on when I get my car back. 


So the rest of my Christmas cards are going out this weekend. They'll be late and it'll be OK because the mother fucking season technically goes through New Years so just deal with it. 


Shirley said...

Geez I love you! You should carry a spray bottle around with you and start spraying rude and inappropriately dressed people. It worked with my dogs.

Unknown said...

First--not having windshield wipers is a safety hazard and NOT reasonable. You should demand a replacement.
Second--fuck the unhelpful jerks. I went to the post office expecting it to SUCK (b/c there can be one person in front of you and it will be a 15 minute wait every damn time) but they actually had both guys working the desk and I was in and out in less than 10 minutes with 8 fucking people in front of me. I was shocked. I realized I didn't send my in-laws anything so I need to get that out.
Third--what the fuck are your cats eating out of? Do you give them bowls and graze, or do they pig out?
Fourth...one of these years you'll realize that printing shit out and sending out real cards is a racket and send out an email card and update. It would save you a fortune, and a ton of time. Just saying.

Dana said...

I love your posts. I'm back in case you don't know who the hell I am anymore. :) That Packers guy is the worst! I want the ducky too!

Shannon @ Bungalow960 said...

Where was Lola during this feast? I am concerned that the boys aren't letting her eat.

Ruth said...

That is terrible that no one would help you.
I hope you get your car back soon!

middle child said...

Oh....I LOVE Shirley's comment about the spray bottle. So very, very tempting!
I need that Abominable Snowman. Too cute.
And...the ass crack? (Ok, I admit I am sitting here eating crap) I immediately though, how cool would it be to throw M&M's at that crack?

Jandy xx said...

youre so amazing woman! and i pretty much second Shirleys message!

Shooting Stars Mag said...

Honestly, that's kind of hilarious about your cat. Oh, lazy cats. How I love you. I really hate the post office though; sorry for the awful time, and the ridiculous price of stamps/shipping, etc. It's cute that you make your cards and have family brochures! I'd totally do that some day.


Jennifer Kay said...

Just read this at 12:45 in bed and I'm sure I'm giving Jon the ride of his life as I laugh and jiggle the bed.

Jaime Hungry said...

I agree that all of those people are asshole and losers except for the man on an adult tricycle. I love people like that, I think they are awesome and I wish I had that much confidence. Though it stops there and I definitely never want to be the man with my ass crack out.

Lin said...

Your cats & I have a lot in common, we're slobs and hardly ever get up to eat haha.

Looks like you got more than one show at Olivia's recital...holy hell that's one big butt crack.