Thursday, December 20, 2012

Bad Ass, Ghetto Easy, Stupid Proof Truffles. Your ass will thank me later.

I'm not one for food traditions but every Christmas I make two things: caramel corn Chex mix and my super easy truffles that a really stupid person could not fuck up. 

And every year I have blog followers, neighbors, friends, etc ask me for the recipe. And every year I give it to them because these bastards are to fucking die for AND they are easy. AND you can put them in cute little containers and give as gifts and people think you put all this time and effort into them and no. They are so easy. And delicious. 

Sara's Super Bad Ass, Ghetto Easy, Stupid Proof Truffles. 
1 - 8oz package of cream cheese, softened. 
2- boxes of Baker's Semi Sweet chocolate melting bar thingies. 

Beat your cream cheese so it's not a lump in the bowl. 
 If you want to add flavoring other than chocolate, do that. This year I added these faux-Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies to it. Beat the shit out of them if you are too lazy to haul out your un-used food processor.
 Add to your cheese.
 Melt 8 squares of the chocolate in the microwave, add to cheese. Then stir together SUPER good with a spatula. Seriously. Make sure you see no white from the cheese. That makes it look like you did truffles the really difficult way.
 Put this bowl into the fridge for a few minutes just so it gets hard. I fell asleep and mine was in there all night. While waiting for shit to get hard, get out a cookie sheet and line that bitch up with wax paper or something so your balls don't stick. Nobody likes sticky balls.

Take your bowl out, shape the poop like mixture into balls. Make them bite size because you will get more and they are easier to eat. Work fast so your hands don't end up in a melty cheese mess. It will look like diarrhea on your hands.
 Put the tray back into the fridge so they get hard again.

Pet your cat that is demanding love.
 Pull your balls out. Melt a shit ton more chocolate in the microwave. I seriously did 8 more bars but 10 maybe would be better. Rolls your balls into chocolate, put back onto tray. Now is the time to sprinkle non pareils or some shit so they look fancy.
 Put tray back into fridge so the chocolate coating sets.

But you know I got extra fancy up in here because I knew I was doing this tutorial. So I made myself some super thin icing using some powdered sugar, color flow mix, water, and green coloring.
 I drizzled those fuckers with my icing and then Olivia added the green sprinkle sugar shit.
 Let them set in the fridge because the icing doesn't want to set immediately because it can be a bit whorish. When they are done, I pull them off my tray and put into the mini baking cups because it's something Martha would do. Obviously.
Tee-fucking-dah bitches. 


Dana said...

So easy and yummy! I just did mine on Sunday. Here's my recipe:

Unknown said...

Impressive looking! My mom does it the hard way. The best was the year my grandfather came to visit and my mom was making a FUCK ton of these things (the hard way--I mentioned that right? It takes all damn day!) and whenever he saw one that wasn't a perfect circle, he's steal it, and claim he was 'quality testing.' so so funny.

kimberrleigh said...

You are one domesticated bitch, let me tell you. I always make chocolate chip cookies to bring to work and people always are like "YOU MADE THESE!?!?" and I'm like "Bitch, I ain't no nerd. These are the easiest things to make. Throw a bunch of shit in together and mix, ball shape and cook."
Truffle making we are doing now this Christmas - added to the list.

carelessly graceful

Tina said...

Those look delish and exactly why I don't bake. I'd eat the whole tray.

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

those look really good, but isn't dipping them all a PITA?

Julie H said...

Ummm if I liked my neighbors I'd so make that for them :)

Lin said...

Dude, these things sound SO good. I love that you're using wannabe Thin Mints, which btw are just as amazing.

I'm totally making these whenever I get some time.

Jandy xx said...

so, i totes don't cook, but th language used in this makes me wanna bake a batch of these!

if you were to bring out a ghetto cook book, i can see myself becomeing a great cook!