Monday, January 14, 2013

Ah... the weekend. How I miss you already.

Dudes. It is Monday, the first day of Spring semester of classes where I work and when I say I've about had it with people yelling at me? Totally mean it. But I've also had a lot of really great interactions with students who are just trying to get further in life and is genuinely interested in learning. And not being a jerk.

But who cares about that- you want to hear highlights from my weekend. You're so obvious.

1. My cats Batman and Lola are in some really weird, incestuous relationship. The spoon, they lick each other nonstop and that includes their naughty parts. It feels really wrong considering they have the same mom but at least they aren't hissing at each other? They also can't have babies so at least I can't end up with even dumber animals.

2. Speaking of dumb animals- the mouse is back. Remember when Matt convinced me to spend a shit ton of money on the "super sonic" things you plug in that is supposed to make mice run away? And I am some kind of freak and I hear this high pitch squeal all of the time and I'm the only one who can hear it? Guess what? They don't fucking work. I've heard that mother fucking mouse run across the kitchen floor THREE times in the last week and every time my cats don't care. They are all in the kitchen, just watching the mouse come and fucking go. Matt says I'm hearing things but I'm not. I know I'm not. I know I am not going crazy. I hear it. I hear that fucker. I also know he's coming in from the hole in the floor in the laundry room and Matt says that can't be but excuse me I'm calling bullshit. He clearly knows nothing about this situation.

3. I bought this sweater fuzz ball remover brick thing at Maurices a few months ago. I keep it on my dresser and every day for the last two weeks I go to use it I notice this white... stuff on it. At first I was like, "wow- it really disintegrates the sweater balls!" but then I decided that no, I haven't even used it on a white sweater. It was an unsolved mystery. Until Saturday. I'm in bed reading and I hear this horrible scuffing noise and I'm like, "Matt- what the fuck are you doing??" (He was on the floor fixing a computer and this noise was coming from him). TURNS OUT, he's using my sweater fuzz ball remover as a god damn pumice stone for his janky feet. So while removing sweater fuzz balls, I'm also rubbing his dry foot skin all over my sweaters. Not awesome and incredibly gross.

4. Jackson and Olivia have hilarious conversations. On Sunday they were having some kind of competition over something completely stupid and out of nowhere Jackson's like, "oh-- it looks like you lose. AGAIN. You are a LOSER!!!". She promptly starts crying and I'm laughing. *Mom of the Year*. Then today at dinner we're discussing Jackson making rain stick instrument at school and Olivia asks how he does that. He then tells us they use paper towel rolls and Olivia's like, "The brown part?" and Jackson goes, "That's right, sis! Good job!" and I almost choked on my steak. The way he said it made it sound like she was some special needs kid who understood something super obvious. God they crack me up.

5. I bought file folders and flair pens. Any of you with OCD or a bizarre love of office supplies will appreciate the wet panties on that.

6. My cat Stumpy has taken to humping and raping blankets just like Lenny used to do. He just started doing it and it's really creepy. Especially when I'm using the blanket he is raping. Awkward.

7. I got a letter from an author who said they appreciate how much I swear and that I like to use the word "fuck". That kind of made my day.

8. I had not one, not two, but THREE people over the last few days insist there is no way I'm almost 31. Not a chance. Oh, flattery will not get you a discount on your textbooks but it might make my day. Even if you are a registered sex offender.

I have a bunch of SUPER good book reviews coming up. Like books I would classify as favorites? There is one next week that I'm going to get ballsy and put on my top 10 "must read in your life" books because it was THAT good. And it's a religion based book. I got a girl boner over a religion based book, that's right, bitches. Stay tuned.


kimberrleigh said...

Office supplies kind of get me wet. Not really. But kind of. Maybe. Probably.
I got some file folders and notepads from Wally World for $1 a few weeks ago and they're gorgeous because they're like a Greek key pattern and because I am Greek? I'm all up on that shit. Seriously, someone could market poo with a Greek key design and I'd buy it.

carelessly graceful

Ruth said...

You just need to get a mouse trap,put some peanut butter on it, and stick it by the whole in the floor. Even if that is not where it is coming from, it will find the peanut butter. Than make Matt take care of the mouse in retaliation for ruining your sweater fuzz ball remover. Just don't get the sticky tapes cause than you have to listen to the mouse trying to get out. Oh, you might want to keep the cats out of the laundry room.

Shannon @ Bungalow960 said...

I have OCD and an intense love of office supplies. The day I make my supply order is the best ever.

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

Eeewwww about the sweater ball remover!

Julie H said...

Foot crud on your sweaters.. still laughing!

Lin said...

1. You got some sicko cats. But you're right, at least they're not fighting one another.
2. Mouse? Ick! The last time I saw a mouse in the house, I slept in the car (for an hour) until my husband caught it & showed it to me as proof it was gone haha. Good luck getting rid of that sucker.
3. Omg I just about barfed while laughing. Keep it classy Matt.
6. Damn girl, what kind of cat house are you running up in there. First incest, now rape?
7. So cool!

Jaime Hungry said...

I laughed SO hard at Matt using that shit on his feet. Love your use of "fuck" as well!!

Tamara said...

I'm a ghost. Like right now. Because I died from laughter at #3.