Tuesday, April 2, 2013

It's not all roses and orgasms.

The thing about marriage is that it's hard. I don't know that I believe these couples I see who are all "my husband is so super amazing" because I'm like, "Bitch- he pisses on the toilet like mine does. That's not super amazing."

And while I don't regret getting married, and I don't regret working through really awful, horrible, not fun things with Matt- I would be lying to you and myself if I said that there aren't days where I look at him and I don't know that I would feel bad if he were to spontaneously combust. Or just not come home. I mean, it wouldn't be the end of the world. Sure, I might regret this when the kitchen sink leaks and I don't know what the hell to do, but for the most part- I know I don't need a guy around. I can get by just fine on my own.

Like this last week? It's been hard. Matt is a very moody person just in general which is why the first adjective people come up with is "asshole" for him. It's not that he necessarily IS an asshole, but his quiet demeanor and "I hate life" facial expression isn't really welcoming. Except that is my life every day. Anyone who knows me in real life knows that while I might be a few shades crazy, but I'm a generally upbeat person,  I'm fairly laid back, and I like life.

One thing you might now know about me right off is that I am very perceptive of moods and feelings. From a young age I just learned how to gauge people in a room and I act accordingly. Which is why I've been able to work with the different crazy ass employers I've had- because I can switch it up based on the other person. It's quite a handy thing to have. I'm like an emotional chameleon.

The downside to this is that it is really hard for  me to remain upbeat and happy when I can feel someone else just hating life and being a jerk. Which happens every single time Matt and I go anywhere. He hates people, he hates doing stuff, he hates just doing anything that requires him to be anywhere except for the couch and work.

It really makes life difficult.

My other issue is that when I tell him that I feel a certain way, I get no response. I could be outright crying my eyes out and I get nothing. There is no concern, no empathy, nothing coming from him. When I'm stressed out and tired and just trying to get everything done? He doesn't even acknowledge it. When I say a really nice thing he could do for Mother's Day is to get me a massage and a pedicure package, his response? "That's a waste of money." And he means it. He really doesn't get it that I have feelings and he continually tromps on them.

So finally on Sunday I just had it. I am at the end of my rope. I demanded that he get his ass to a doctor, get back on his anti-depressants or else. And I mean it. If you want to hate life, you can do that but you will do it alone. I don't want someone else's bad stuff sucking me dry. I'm a pretty outgoing, happy person and I like that about myself. That's something I hope I remain the rest of my life.

Basically I'm struggling. It's not roses or orgasms up in here and I keep saying to myself that this? This right here is the American Dream. People go their whole lives hoping to have the husband, kids, home, career and for what? This sucks. Sure, I know we'll have better days again but in ones like this it's hard to remember what those good days are like.


Jennifer Kay said...

Let me be the first to admit that Jon couldn't it a toilet if it reached up and slapped him in the wiener...if I don't bitch my face off for him to do something, it would never get done and I have yet to get a decent gift for my birthday.

You're not alone my friend in the dreams of combustion.

Unknown said...

I feel you on the no response thing. It makes me just want to scream sometimes. Sorry I don't have any answers- it just sucks. Hang in there, k?

Ruth said...

A few years ago we had to take our daughter to counseling. She'd talk to our daughter and bring us in for the last 10 minutes or so. She made it clear that you can't let your moods effect each other. It isn't easy, but we were all doing it.
I do know you are coming from. My husband used to be like that. Didn't seem to care. As he has aged, he seems to get it more. Thinks about me more.
Hopefully everything works out. Everyone should be happy.

Seana said...

Oh, you poor lady! I can totally relate, I've had a few exes who were just like this. It is VERY draining on you, and beats you down after awhile (no matter how hard you try to ignore it and stay your awesome self).

I hope he does do something about it, but if not, you do deserve to take care of yourself mentally and physically..


Iron Criterion said...

"It's not that he necessarily IS an asshole, but his quiet demeanor and "I hate life" facial expression isn't really welcoming."

Aw shit, this post fits me pretty well; apart from the pissing on the toilet seat part. Bitches love it when I do that.

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

Sorry it is sucking right now. My DH can hit the toilet seat but he refuses to discuss things when they first bother him & are small enough to be talked about calmly. No. It's "no big deal" then & "not worth the energy" but it is actually both because he sits & broods about it & lets it build & build until he is unable to talk and can only explode into yelling, which makes me cry & then he feels manipulated by my crying.

So mostly it's on me to nag him into telling me the problem, when he says "no, it's nothing".

Like he's a woman or something...

Tamara said...

I don't think people realize how exhausting it can be to be the upbeat person in your relationship or in any capacity. It is constant attention to situating your mood around others and thinking of how it will affect not only them, but yourself. Like I said, exhausting.

My husband goes through bouts about every 3-4 months where he hates his life. Like, nothing is good enough. For years I put up with it. Just thinking oh, it's a funk. For the past year, I've actually stood up and told him He needs to suck that shit up. If I have too, he does too. He can complain, that's fine, but I get every right to do so as well. So he can't just tell me I'm whining and he's not.

Marriage can be really frustrating. I hate that you have to deal with this but at least you'll deal with it, some people just don't.

Unknown said...

Rob and I both have some form of depression. (What can I say, we are just moody artists) So we have to kind of deal with each other being "off" and even with us each understanding "what it is like" it is still easy to butt heads or feel unfulfilled in some way.

Rob doesn't really understand my "love language" I feel the most loved when I am being given gifts, or through random acts of service.


And rob tends to love me with words of affirmation or physical affection, when a lot of the time I don't want to freaking be touched (even by him-- I just don't like being touched) and affirmative words for me feel fake... So we clash on that.

Perhaps Matt is just completely oblivious, even if you have drilled it in his head a million times, about what YOU need in a partner NOW. In his head he hasn't changed, and in yours, that's a problem, you need him to be a different kind of partner NOW then you did when you first got married.

This is corny, but Rob and I try to have serious conversations about WHAT WE NEED NOW (as individuals & as a unit) on a weekly basis..

For me sometimes it is as simple as:

"Hey, I really need you to STOP telling me how wonderful you think your mother is all the time, I think she is great too, but sometimes I feel like she is the other woman"
"PLEASE, for the love of GOD actually look for whatever you are looking for before you ask me where it is"

Right now we are working on Rob not complaining about prices when we go out to eat (SO RUDE!) and I am working on being more adventurous (sometimes I just want to sit on the couch and watch game of thrones for the 50th time)

One step at a time.

You guys have kids, so I know that makes "talking" hard-- but remember that your marriage comes first, so if you have to put the kiddos on the back burner for a few mins every day to talk to your husband (and get your sex life back) then that's what you do.

I know I've only been married a month, but I am a child of several divorces, lots of therapy, & Rob and I have been at this almost 10 years now and I can and say with all honesty, that he only makes me insane when we have dropped the ball on communication. And when we communicate all the time, it makes the tough stuff much easier to manage. (Especially if I am in a deep Bi-polar whirlwind)

I hope it gets better!

middle child said...

I agree with your feelings about wishing the husband would just self-combust. Different reasons but seriously.....
And the "oh my husband is the sweetest and we have the best life ever" is very rarely true. I mean really rare. I speak from experience, having observed this in several aquaintances.
I still don't understand why marraige is so hard. Why it is considered 'work'.
Love should be easy.

kimberrleigh said...

I always write you a book here, but I love it.

Anywho. So yesterday I was in happy-sunshine-rainbows-feel-the-feels training at work (it was mandatory, trust me. I would have rather have been sleeping) and there was a story about a woman who was on the last section of her mystery novel and her husband came in and was super excited to tell her something, and even though she said "I'm reading and on this last part" he kept coming into her room and bugging her, essentially.
My friend and I got into an argument with a woman on our team about how basically we're wrong for saying HE should have respected the fact that she was reading and enjoying her book and she should have stopped reading a while ago to listen to him.

NO. Sorry. He needs to respect her interests and he could wait a few minutes to talk to her. Anyways, we ended up getting into a heated argument and she told us "This is why you girls are single - you keep thinking that, and then when you don't pay attention to him he goes off and cheats on you."
I'm still fuming from this - you don't go off and judge someone and say "that's why you're single"... bitch you don't know my life. AND what makes me even more annoyed is she's divorced. Just because you're a psycho bitch and your ex left you, doesn't mean I'm wrong.

UGH. This probably made no sense and not really related. But I just needed to write it out. Also, put Matt back on drugs. That keeps people like my sister (a pharmacist) employed!

FinnyKnits said...

Ugh. Yes. Marriage is hard. It requires work. It's not all fabulous. Those "bad times" that come up in the vows are real times that we all choose to just not think too much about when we're promising to stick together during the "good times" which sounds fine and easy when we're saying it.

But we gotta stick it out and we have to stick up for ourselves and keep the lines of communication open.

I love my Bubba, but man - does he make me MENTAL sometimes. And other times he just makes me 100% pissed.

It helps me to figure out exactly what it is that's bugging me about whatever he's doing, what the impact is of that behavior IN REALITY (I'm prone to dramatics and delusions otherwise) and then to try to talk to him about it with me coming from a place of "solving the problem" rather than "accusing him of doing something wrong".

Concern, I guess, is a better motivator than accusation.

Good luck, sister. Let's try not to get too stressed or pissed off at these men of ours while still staying sane and happy ourselves.