Thursday, April 4, 2013

Maybe a little sappy. But I'm allowed.

So, today Jackson turns five and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little misty eyed this morning. My baby is five. And when I look back on the last few years and what my life has been like even in the last decade, I realize that this little boy changed everything for me. Absolutely everything.

When I found out I was pregnant with Jackson, it was a horrible time in my life. It was the worst possible time to get pregnant. I was sad, confused, felt so unloved, and really hated life. It was unfair and why the hell do bad things happen to good people? It was a low moment and I was devastated. I was also really scared because I had really bad post partum depression with Olivia and I would be lying if I said that I wasn't worried for not just me but everyone around me. I just didn't know.

But then nine months go by and I got more and more excited. I just felt totally different this time and I didn't know why. I was ready. Matt wasn't sure if he was going to stick around for the birth and I didn't care. It was the first time where I really felt like a mama bear protecting my little cub.
 And then he was born. Jackson was born a mere five hours after labor started and though that epidural failed me and I now know what women mean when they scream that it burns like a mother fucker, I was elated. He just looked at me with his big eyes and his little chin quivered and he had his bottom lip out (which is exactly how he still does it) and I just knew.

I just knew that this was my reward. I knew that whatever the powers that be had given me this perfect little boy who would always love me. Who would think I could do no wrong and he was my reward for not giving up when I so badly wanted to.
 Jackson made my family totally complete and perfect. I had one girl, one boy, both adorable and perfect in every way and it was what I had always wanted.
Jackson made me realize what it was like to be a mom. To fully love another human being until my chest wanted to explode. I finally understood what I had been missing with Olivia all along and it made me sad...I could have had this twice but for whatever reason that wasn't in the cards. He made me realize how lucky I was to have two kids who just made my day everyday.
And dammit if he isn't the sweetest little boy. I'm not clueless- this kid can tear up a room in two seconds flat. He can drive you to your last nerve when he refuses to be serious. He can make you so frustrated that you want to bang your head into the counter. But he is so sweet. He is so kind. He thinks of others and he's a good friend. I don't know how I lucked out with two really awesome kids but I did and I couldn't be happier.
And he is a full on mama's boy. I think to be the mother to a daughter is hard and has it's challenges, but to be a mother to a boy is equally difficult. It's my job to grow up to be a man. To treat women with respect and dignity. To stand up for what is right and to stay true to his morals and convictions. This little kid lights up my life like you wouldn't believe. Every morning he comes down first to give me a big kiss to wake me up and always says, "I love you more and more!". He always wants to help me and he's the first to ask what he can do when I don't feel well. He holds my hand every where we go and he give me a hug when I drop him off at school so "I don't forget he is missing me". When I was at my lowest point it's this little guy who reminded me that Matt might stay or go- it doesn't really matter. I could end up a single mom and it'd be just fine because I have these kids to keep me going, to help me never loose my focus or my purpose.

So happy birthday sweet little boy. Mama loves you to Neptune and back, even more than cupcakes. I promise to share my jelly beans and to share the blanket when we snuggle. I'll try not to nibble your cheek in front of your friends but you know I just can't help it. I'm so proud of you and what a big boy you've become.

1 comment:

Julie H said...

Happy Birthday to Jackson!