Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Calgon needs to take me right flipping now.

It's no secret I've had a fairly stressful couple of weeks. But in the larger picture, this entire year has been stressful. Actually, I can't remember the last time I sat around and was like, "Dang- things are going good right now. No stress, no worries, awesome." Seriously- it's been years since I've had that.

Recently I haven't felt really well and I knew that eventually- I would get some kind of sign that things need to change. And I'm a stubborn person so I basically wear myself until there isn't anything left and I'm angry that I let it get to that point. So while for a few months now I have been walking around with the equivalent of a pit of stress in my stomach, what feels like a bowling ball in my uterus, and occasional stabbing pain where my ovaries are. I feel anxious all of the time. When I do exercise sometimes I feel like I can't catch my breath. If I look on WebMD it says I might have prostate cancer. I try not to think about that because I don't have a prostate... so it's all very stressful. And probably best to ask a real live doctor.

Today I had my annual checkup at the OB and she's looking at me like I'm nuts as I'm explaining my symptoms and while we've ruled out pregnancy (yay!), she has no idea what the frack is wrong with me. I have an ultrasound scheduled for July (so it can't be that serious, right? If I have to wait until July?) and I am waiting for blood work to come back.

What she was able to tell me is that my blood pressure is 145/100. That was my lowest of three readings. So clearly I have high blood pressure today. Is it stress? Maybe. Is it a wake up call to eat better and for real get out and exercise? Yes.

Then on my drive home I'm trying to think of ways to get less stressed out. I see an email from our Realtor that the home inspector (that came to our house for our buyer) recommended a foundation specialist. Now, it's because he either couldn't fit in the crawl space or it was too wet for him to try since it was raining, but it freaks me out. I think of nothing but bad things that could come of this. I could have not one foundation issue but in my head I translate that to, "Holy shit my house is falling apart, and it'll never sell, and I can't afford to fix that because it would be expensive probably and I bet I can't even sell a kidney because ow-  my kidney hurts because I think I have to pee, and what if I pee my pants because I clearly held it for too long.." and continue. It's non stop in my head. I am completely incapable to hearing something like "foundation specialist" and be like, "Oh- no big deal.".

Then I tell Matt all of this and he's all like, "Sara- shut up. My show is on. But that sucks your stomach hurts." I freak out (inside of course, because the kids are right there), and in my head I'm like, "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE! What if I have fucking cancer! I bet you'll feel bad then! Because who is going to wash your wet socks and dirty underwear? Huh? HUH? My children will end up as dirty, hungry orphans with dirty, mismatched socks and unbrushed hair!"

Maybe none of this is rational, but it's what goes through my head.

All I know is that days like today make me want to run away from home. And be homeless on a beach. Hurricanes be damned.

And at the same time, it makes me lose hope in the medical community. I mean, I've had a neurologist tell me I'm not really having migraines, I'm just depressed. I've had one doctor give me four medications for morning dizziness. I've had another doctor they have no idea why when I get a migraine I lose vision but maybe I shouldn't chew gum.

I don't even chew gum.


So when I go today and they draw a shit ton of blood, make me pee in a cup, and orders an ultrasound and says, "I guess if these all come back... you're OK." Um, I don't think a blood draw, urine in a cup and an ultrasound will make stabbing in my stomach/uterus/ovaries stop, but I guess I'll try?  I mean, what the fuck do I know- I came in thinking I had prostate cancer.

Follow on Bloglovin


Steff said...

I'm a huge huge huge believer that foods can heal you, so if all the tests come back ok (fingers crossed) you should really look into changing your eating habits! I know it's a huge deal and life-changing thing, but I'm proof that it can make a difference! I had awful headaches for a long time (as in a consitant one, constantly, for almost two years. It's unbelievable to say that, but it's true haha) and eventually I ended up in the hospital after not being able to stand, eat, drink, or do anything for a couple weeks. The doctors found nothing wrong and sent me home with pain meds that did nothing. Eventually I went on a gluten free diet after years of major stomach issues and diarrhea (I had celiac disease which no one discovered) and just like that, things started feeling right within days. From that experience 6 years ago I've made my way to the paleo diet and feel so so good it blows my mind. So even if you don't want to make a huge change at first, eliminate problem foods from your diet or add more healthy ones to it and see how you feel! Sorry for the book of a comment. I hope you're ok. =)

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

Good luck with the tests the foundation. From my own experience your pain sounds a lot like what I had with endometriosis. They changed my birth control from pills to a Mirena IUD and that took care of all the symptoms. I did eventually have to have a big lump removed but it was a pain free lump thanks to the IUD hormones.

kimberrleigh said...

So starting back in like October, I was getting my period every two weeks, was so exhausted some days to the point I quite literally couldn't get off the couch and I would bloat like 10-15 pounds... every two weeks. I finally went to the gyno and thank GOD I found a decent one here, because as it turns out I have PCOS. FUN. They put me on birth control which has helped with the menstrual issues, and now I'm on Metformin which will help with the Insulin Resistance stuff.

I'm praying for you dude. Who knows, maybe you have like a benign tumor that weighs like 30 pounds (I've read about this kind of stuff, it exists) and when they remove it you become skinny. I mean, if I ever have to pray for something it's sometimes that - a BENIGN tumor, that will explain why I'm fat.

carelessly graceful