Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Maybe I'm not meant to socialize.

Are you ever around a person and within minutes you just want to punch them? For no legitimate reason? Like the sound of their voice just wears the last nerve in your body all the way down? Or because they talk as if they are completely naive about something when by this point, they should be at expert level? Sometimes I just want to shake them and tell them to stop asking us your dumb ass questions when you know the fucking answer. You attention seeking, low self esteem, sheltered whore.


So I'm having a super week. I'm sure that's coming across. I'm really stressed out. And it's of my own doing, of course, but when I break it down I'm stressed out because I'm anxious and nervous. Basically I just need to live with it and keep purchasing toilet paper because I'm doing a lot of thinking in the bathroom as of late. I've discovered that as I age, every time I get stressed out or worry my bowels are on the front lines, forcing me to sit in a quiet room and think.

So thank YOU, bowels. While my rear end is sore, I appreciate your effort in helping me out.

Obviously trying to sell my house and buy a new one simultaneously is stressing me out, there are a few more things occupying my thoughts:

- Jackson starts kindergarten next year. I know, bitches- I can't believe it either. He really was excited to go to round up but once we got there and we got into the room, all excitement faded and it was a look of pure fear in his face. Poor kid. So I did what any mother would do, tell him I'm right there and then haul ass out of the room like a ninja. He'll probably need counseling for abandonment issues someday.

- Olivia is great. I mean, the kid is really great and I love her to bits. But any parent out there knows there are moments when a child gets on your last nerves and you don't really know why. I swear I have some kind of some kind of post-partum with just her. Not bonding with your child for the first year of their life really never gets better. You're pretty screwed up from the point forward and I really struggle. And I'm ashamed that I struggle because she really is a great kid. It's just that sometimes I get so irritated that she acts dumb, or does dumb stuff that I know she knows how to do but she plays stupid. Is it for attention? Does she need praise? Because at age 7 I don't feel like I should have to praise a child for remembering to brush her hair. Every morning. It's really draining and I feel like I'm losing it.

- She has her dance recital next week and is so excited about it. I'm excited to see her because I know she's been practicing for weeks up in her room and she really likes the songs. AND she gets to be in the light stick dance so that'll be fun to see too.

- Jackson started outdoor soccer. Thankfully, I convinced Matt to take him to the Wednesday practices and I'll take him to the Saturday games. I really need time to be at home, with minimal interruptions, getting stuff done.

- Our house is officially listed as of today. *gulp* I'm so nervous I don't think I can fully explain it. I'm already excited to potentially move, but a part of me is going to miss this house. A lot of memories were made here and I just hope another young family buys it. That'd be my hope at least. Also that they not insult me with a low ass offer. Whores.

- Matt and I are on a good patch right now. I'm trying very had to not be a psycho and ask him who he's texting/calling/etc because I don't want to be that crazy person. But dammit it's hard.

- For some unknown reason, my underwear completely fell apart while at work today. Like, had to remove them because they were no longer wearable. I don't know what happened. I thought they felt funny but then thought... well, maybe it's just the fabric? They were brand new and it's a silky-like fabric so I wasn't sure. Nope- just fell apart. I'm just happy I noticed before they fell down my pant leg. Awkward.

I have a super amazing, best book of the year, easily on my Top 10 of all time list... coming tomorrow. Promise.


Nicole Pyles said...

Oh so much stress!! Wow, I feel your pain. I'm having my own "spending too much time in the bathroom" days lately. Two family members out of work, being way too behind at work, and having a lot of writing and blogging projects on my plate. Plus a birthday (and Mother's Day) this month, which means I'm stressing financially. UGH - when is there a break?? I think I need some toilet paper too.

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

I didn't bond with my oldest for months after he was born. I loved him dearly but he was born screaming & never stopped for 7 months. Early on there was a reason for the screaming but even after we sorted that out the screaming continued out of habit & it is really hard to bond with a being that does nothing but shriek non stop in between random 20 minute periods of sleep. I swear I suffer PTSD from those months still today. And he as the same bowel problems Olivia does. The younger one came out a bundle of cuddles and I still feel guilty because he is 'easier' to be with for me mentally. It stresses me out because I try so hard to be even handed but I feel like the older just gets on my last nerve so much faster for doing the same things as his brother.

Josie said...

Pretty please praise Olivia. I very seldomly got praise from my dad growing up even though I was constantly trying to do things to please him. Now that I'm older I know that he loved me and was proud of me, but good God it has been a long road and I'm only 22. One teen pregnancy later I still get anxiety whenever I make a decision because I'm worried about what my dad will think and what he'll say even if it has nothing to do with him because I am obsessed with making him proud and getting that positive feedback from him.