Thursday, April 17, 2014

Quite possibly, the greatest thing I've seen all week.

You guys. YOU GUYS. I don't think I have ever fully told you how much I love watching those shows about people who are absolutely terrified that some horrific and catastrophic event is going to happen. Whether it's a solar flare that knocks everything out, zombies, terrorists, Big Foot's revenge, whatever- they are prepared. They hoard large amounts of food, batteries, guns, random ass packs and it's amazing and terrifying all on its own.

Cut to yesterday when my boss alerted me to the fact that at Sam's Club you can actually buy "emergency rations" in bulk, but you could only buy them online.

Naturally, I had to see. I had to see what $2,700 could get me.
Augason Farms Emergency Food Storage Kit - 1 year - 4 people
This. This is what you can get for the low cost of $2,698 and free shipping. The description says it will feed four people for one year. You can go HERE to see that actual product detail and what all of these cans contain. Never mind that I don't know what black turtle beans are, what "meat substitute" looks like, or how in the mother hell you're going to bake anything in an emergency because in any doomsday scenario I think of, electricity and gas would be pretty much non existent. On a morning of dodging zombies and rebels with AK-47's, let me just make some Mickey Mouse pancakes for my children and it'll be all alright.

So my next step was obviously to research this company and I found their website (HERE). Maybe you don't want to support Sam's Club and want to buy direct. YOU CAN.

On their website it was like the treasure trove of hilariousness. One thing I read time and time again on the comments was that you really need a bucket lid opener and a hand wheat grinder. All of your preparedness is for nothing if you can't get the lids open OR grind your wheat, yall. Never mind the fact that all of this needs to be refrigerated after opening, so unless you're prepared to eat nothing but black turtle beans until they are gone- I don't know what you're going to do.

But you guys, I have pets! What if the end of days were coming? What would Stumpy, Batman, Lola and Twinky do? They can't operate wheat grinders!

THANK GOD Augsason Farms had the foresight to worry about the animals. Behold, the Emergency Kit for Cats:
Emergency Kit for Cats
I'm not sure why I would be dicking around with cat toys and poop bags because if the world was ending, do I really care if my cat is entertained or there is poop on the ground?

Dogs get some love as well, though:
Emergency Kit for Dogs
If there were really zombies, I'm not trying to play fetch with Twinky. That would obviously lure the zombies to you and he's so dumb he'd forego the ball and run to the zombies looking for love.

Easily though? The best thing is the Deluxe Office Kit on Wheels.
Deluxe Office Kit on Wheels – 10 Person
You know why I love this? Because my boss and I both agreed that in the event of an emergency and we were literally stuck at work, we envision the location of this kit on wheels to be similar to the Cornucopia in the Hunger Games. For those who don't read, the Cornucopia is the hub where all of the essential supplies are held and people fight to the death to get what they need from there and scatter. You'd grab everything you could with reason and run like hell to your safety spot and hope that whatever you did grab would somehow be useful.

Particularly interesting that there are only two maxi pads in this kit. If you have more than one female I can tell you right now, a district/employee will be killed for possession of both maxi pads. You get 2 heavy duty flashlights but only 2 D batteries. So, unless those flashlights each run on one battery each, you are basically screwed. BUT, you get a roll of barricade tape AND a roll of caution tape. Which, thank god, zombies are not trying to bust through caution tape. Toilet chemicals? Well assuming you even have working plumbing to begin with, who really cares? I just assume in a post apocalyptic world it'll smell like poop. Only four of you get dust masks and there are only five gloves. It doesn't say five pairs of gloves, it makes it seem like literally, only five gloves. We don't even get complete pairs. This is probably to save weight because this is already a 82 pound duffle bag on wheels. Oh, and don't forget the 12 wet naps. Which, thank god because if they serve meat substitute ribs from the kit above, wet naps are a must.

I just could spend a ton of time going through this website and reviews. Oh god, the reviews. It's just... I can't. I really would like to meet a real life doomsday prepper.  I am fully aware that if it's the end of days, I wouldn't survive very long and maybe it's just best to shoot me on your way out of town and do me a solid because honestly- I would starve. You know I love chemically processed food but even I wouldn't eat this. I draw the line at food that can stay good for decades. Except for Twinkies because those are delicious.


Trump's A Joke said...

Come doomsday I figure I'm just going to go peacefully doomed.

Jennifer said...

Ha Ha here is one of many sites that give you step by step instructions on breaking down the bulk food into meals in a jar so you don't get bored eating 5 gallons of beans - they claim to eat this stuff regularly to rotate their food - cause that is what I need to do make feeding my family even more complicated!!! and enjoy!!

Julie H said...

LMAO I'm always like if the shit hits the fan I'll just go to my moms she has at least 5 cans of green beans.

Anna (herding cats-burning soup) said...

Bwaha people are just...crazy! So funny thing things they come up with and the things others will buy. lol