Tuesday, May 27, 2014

The Secret's in the Telling

If you don't know where that post title came from, I question our friendship. I really do.

So the big reveal. Most of you have guessed it and have sent me well wishes via email or Facebook, and that's nice. I really appreciate it- it's nice to know people are still here reading and genuinely care, or are at least morbidly curious, what's happening my life.

Basically, it comes down to I'm pregnant with baby number 3.

I know, you expected me to be over the moon excited- it's what I've always wanted, right? Well, I'm not. I'm ashamed to say it, but I'm not excited. I have had so many emotions go through me since finding out and I'm ashamed of all of them. When I was at the doctor two weeks ago, I knew something was wrong. I knew during my ultrasound when she asked to go from abdominal to vaginal. I knew when she called another tech in who said, "measure everything". I honestly thought it was cancer or a cyst, and I was actually fine with both of those things, which sounds really terrible. I had mentally prepared myself for something like that and I knew I'd be just fine.

While waiting, I got nervous. Only because who wants that kind of news? I mean, what's the acceptable reaction to that? So I sat, waited, and got nervous. I stared at all of the pregnant couples and was quietly resentful that Matt didn't come with me to this appointment. You should have your spouse with you if you are going to be told if you had cancer or needed surgery, right? I mean, what if I'm in no shape to drive afterwards?

So I get called in and they are insistent I get my blood drawn and pee in a cup. Both of which I do because I'm a fan of having as much information to make a decision. So I wait in a consultation room. I get scared. I kind of start to shake, but I'm holding it together. I wish Matt was there to hold my hand.

The doctor comes in, with a resident doctor, and puts my file on the desk and I see a snap shot of the ultrasound. She says, "You're pregnant." and I promptly vomit all over the place. I cry hysterically for awhile and it's all really undignified. It's everything I knew I wasn't going to hear. It doesn't make sense to me how a child can be conceived despite two forms of birth control. I leave there with instructions to make an appointment. She says it's early days, it'll be fine, babies are always a blessing, don't cry- you'll love this one too.

I don't believe anything she says and I just want to go cry.

I leave there with a stream of tears in my eyes and I can barely see. I run out onto the street, almost get hit by a car, and start having a panic attack in the parking lot. I calm down enough to call Matt. He doesn't answer, so I keep trying until he picks up. I have to tell somebody and I can't breathe. He doesn't take it well and hangs up on me.

I cry even harder and feel pretty fucking alone, in my car, in a hospital parking lot.

I feel selfish knowing I have friends who would do anything for a baby. I feel ungrateful because it was only a year ago I wanted a third baby so bad and here it is and I hate it. I feel overwhelmed and afraid.

Matt calls back and asks what I want to do. He says he's willing to take me somewhere if we decide to terminate it and it'll be OK. He isn't thrilled about this but no matter what we decide, we'll get through it. I know we will but it doesn't feel OK and in that moment, I felt like I was drowning.

I drive back to work because I have to work as many hours as I can- I work a certain allotment in a year and that ends in June, and I have it planned meticulously so I make my set hours. I can't take any time off between now and then. As soon as I get to work, I burst into tears and blurt out that I was pregnant and the shock on every one's face is pretty obvious. I also appreciate it's hard to say "congratulations" when the pregnant person is clearly a mess. I mean, what do you even say to that person?

So that's what it is. I'm pregnant. I'm not happy. I don't know what I feel but I have been crying pretty regularly since finding out. I'm not sure what life is going to be like and I'm not ready. I'll talk more tomorrow about what happened once I got home and just... the mental processing of it all.


Why Girls Are Weird said...

There must be something in the water. Another friend of mine just found out she's pregnant, and same response. Not so thrilled.

But I am a big believer that things happen for a reason. Both good and bad. And whether you believe this is a good or bad thing, for whatever reason you believe it, it's still happening for a reason. I'm not here to say WHY obviously.

And cry all you need. I think when you've decided what your life is going to be then it's hard when life takes a turn. Obviously you assumed that the two kids you have now were going to be the only 2. You never dreamed of a 3rd. And now here is something you never planned for. Whether or not a baby is a blessing, an unplanned baby is still a very scary thing.

And if you need anything, please feel free to reach out. Even if you just need to lose your shit for awhile.

Wishing you all the best. Truly.

Unknown said...

i figured this was what was going on. I know this isn't what you planned and that sucks. I hope this turns turns out to be a blessing in disguise.
<3 big hugs lady

Dana said...

Girrrrllll....I'm sorry you're feeling this way and not the outcome you wanted. I don't blame you one second and I know your emotions are strong right now. Whatever happens, it's supposed to be. Take care of yourself. I'm probably the worst person to talk to about this stuff since I don't have kids and have never been pregnant but if you want to talk, let me know. Hugs.

♥ Drazil ♥ said...

Friends of ours had a vasectomy scheduled for the 5th of the month and she found out she was pregnant on the 3rd. She cried for 2 weeks straight. They have 3, are approaching 40 and were done....but apparently fate or God or whoever had other plans. It may be a while before you see/find the reason for this but know in your heart that there is one.

Steff said...

I am in the same boat as anther commenter that everything happens for a reason. When Vince and I had a miscarriage last year after trying for a while, I was so mad/sad/hurt/whatever and just didn't understand why. I don't believe in God so of course I used the, 'It just happens' line of thinking. Now over a year later I realize what a blessing in disguise it was because there are so many good things that have happened since then. Obviously what you are going through is the EXACT opposite of what my problem was, but it's just to point out that even though my life was going in a direction I didn't want at all, it ended up for the best. I'm sure your pregnancy hormones are making everything worse as well, but I'm hoping you'll find peace soon!

thotlady said...

I wish the best for you and your family. Life does throw you curve balls from time to time.

Julie H said...

I'm really sad for you that Matt behaved that way. I really think that these are the times that we need a supportive spouse the most.

Lin said...

I love you girl but there's that little infertile bitch inside me that wants to kick you in the shin because I'm one of those women that want a baby more than anything in the world right now. I can't imagine what you're going through...the exact opposite of my situation and yet I want to cry for you. With you. I know you may think this situation sucks right now but this fetus/baby is a blessing (and I'm not religious at all haha). I hope you're doing a lot better now and are able to see things a bit more clearly. Marriages aren't perfect and neither is life but you can for damn sure make sure your kids have the best life they can, with or without both parents present.

Sending you tons of hugs :)