Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Sara and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week

Yeah, it's not just a bad day, it's on track to be a bad week.

So last week was a tough week with both Matt and I working quite a bit. This week it's not so bad for Matt, but next week will be terrible for me. I'll be clocking in around 65 hours next week. And it's not that I want to work that much, it's that financially, I absolutely have to right now. The medical bills? Killing us. I'm trying to not worry about it because I know eventually they'll be gone, but when I realize I have another $2700 surgery coming this fall? It's daunting. I feel overwhelmed.

Add that to getting more hours cut at work, that sucks. I have a part time job starting next week but after doing some math this weekend, Matt doesn't think we can swing it if I am working two jobs and still being the person to take the kids to activities and deal with school stuff since he's working so much. So I don't know what to do. I mean, for awhile it'll be fine but long term? I don't know. I'm stressed out.

School starts on September 2 and I'm going to be honest- I am terrified. I'm scared I'm going to not be good enough and I won't make it. I'm scared that financially, this is a terrible decision. It's me either try and blow money on something with no reward, or I go and do well, eventually finishing a degree and have a gross amount of debt and try to find a job using my degree so I can pay for it. Which I might not be able to do. I'm worried about it.

All of these things weigh heavily on my mind and this weekend it was hard. Then yesterday we hear of Robin Williams committing suicide and people are shocked. And I'm not. I'm not shocked about depression and feeling like you're really at the end of what you can take. I get it. It's awful. Thank god I've never been to that point but I can absolutely relate to things being great on the outside, but on the inside you just want to shrivel up and die because it's so hard to function.

A friend called me this weekend and told me I need to slow down, relax and just enjoy life. And I can't. I can't slow down and relax because when I do all of these terrible feelings and thoughts creep in and it's so hard to get past them and resume regular life when I need to. I refuse to be medicated because then I just feel totally numb and/or sick. It doesn't matter which one of the 7 (or combinations of) I've been on- it's all the same. I'm tired, I'm numb, I don't care about anything, or worst case scenario, I cry a lot. I can't do any of that and be a mom and wife.

So I just keep plugging on. I'm trying to take hits and bumps in the road in stride and just say things will get better. I'm trying really hard to do that, but sometimes it's just not enough. I told Matt something has to give and give soon because this is just too much. We need some good things to happen to us soon.

The worst part is realizing that overall, I live a really great life. I have a great husband, I have great kids, I have a supportive family. I have a job, I have a home to go to every day, I have clean water to drink and food to eat. I am safe, I am free, and I have opportunity. I hate having all of this and realizing it's not enough to make me want to get out of bed in the morning. And I know it's a phase. In a few weeks, I'll be fine, excited, and happy. And somehow that makes it worse because I know what it's like to have that good feeling, like everything is right at my finger tips. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to never know that and just be sad all of the time.

So in the meantime, I'm working on some crafty things, a really gorgeous baby shower that I'm dying to show pictures of but it's a surprise to the mommy to be, I've got some book reviews I'm working on, and a few other things. I'm trying to stay busy because that gives me peace and honestly, I need it.


Steff said...

I hate weeks like that! And the end of last semester I had a couple of really tough weeks back to back, with taking full time classes, extra nursing clinicals, and having my regular job and nanny job add up to 60+ hours of working, and it was like that for almost three straight weeks! It was really hard to imagine going like that for so long. It sounds silly, but now is REALLY the time to take it one day at a time. Try and do as much as you can each day and prep yourself for the next day the night before (clothes, food, etc) and it'll make things a little more manageable. You are strong and can totally do this, even though it may suck for a bit!

Life Love & High Heels said...

I'm not shocked about the Robin Williams thing either. I'm really not. Depression doesn't discriminate. It's something I think a lot of people deal with and never talk about. I really hope that things helps to change things and that mental health won't be such a stigma anymore.

Sorry to hear about all the extra work and stress. Hopefully things will turn around soon and won't be so bad.

Ruth said...

Is there a way the you can work out payment plans with the doctors? Maybe that will reduce stress.
I stress about money a lot too.
Ever since we went through bankruptcy- and that was 8 years ago- I worry.
I have been on anti-depressants twice and I know what you mean. My husband tried them once and he hated that he just didn't feel.In fact, you do sound a lot like him. His brain is always in motion so he never really relaxes.

Julie H said...

Have you contacted the Dr's and asked about making payments? I know they say just as long as you are making some kind of payment they can't turn you into collections.