Thursday, September 10, 2015

Things I know for sure. Also, I'm a poop expert.

I can't even sugar coat it- this week has been horrendous. I sincerely hope this is not a sign of the school year to come because if it is, I'm going to quit at adulting and just run away.

Not that I can get far because I have approximately $27 to use for my trip so the plans are a little loose right now.

But here's what I know:

  • Penelope did not poop today. She had a lot of wet farts and a few diapers that I braced myself for because I was sure we had something serious to deal with. Nothing. This makes me scared for when I wake her up tomorrow morning. I mean, it could be bad you guys. Like really bad. I fear the diaper is not going to be adequate and frankly, nobody is equipped to deal with that kind of thing before 5 a.m. Nobody. 
  • I thought for sure I had an intruder in my house today (Wednesday). I left to pick the kids up and when I came back the deadbolt was locked (which I never use because for whatever reason I can't operate it). So I did what anyone would do- send the seven year old to investigate and make sure there wasn't a serial killer. He got distracted and never came back, so I sent the ten year old to solve the mystery and she forgot to come back for me. Thankfully, it was my sister in law who dropped off my books but STILL. I could have been murdered. Or something. 
  • I realized the reason I am constantly having to clean my cupboards by the stove is... I don't have a hood fan. Now, I have a microwave installed above the stove and it has a "vent fan" and I turn that on but.. does that actually do anything? Is there another option to prevent grease from getting on surfaces? Other than not cooking and/or hiring a maid, neither of which are options Matt is willing to entertain. 
  • I discovered that two of my cats are so obese they cannot jump over a baby gate. I have a suspicion it's Twinky pooping on the basement floor immediately after I take him out (even though he's pooped outside), so I put a gate up hoping this will solve it. And you know I really inspected his poop to do some comparison and I investigated the cat's poop and my scientific deduction tells me it's dog poo. But now Stumpy and Batman can't jump over a standard gate (yet they can jump on my bed or jump up to their food bowl- EXPLAIN THAT) and so all day the gate has been collapsing under their girth. 
  • Which wouldn't be a problem if the wall wasn't totally bowed. I've lived here almost three years and I did not know the wall in the hallway behind the kitchen is totally bowed. Matt assures me it's because they didn't mud the wall correctly or something and he's not going to fix it and I need to learn to love it. But it means the gate doesn't totally touch the wall like it should. 
  • Olivia shaved her armpits for the first time the other day. I feel really old and just unsure how I feel about this. She thinks she's hot stuff now even though in the moment she was terrified I came into the bathroom wielding a razor. 
  • Matt was a total jerk this morning and rude as all get out which meant I was up with him around 3:30 a.m. today. 
  • And then Jackson said, "Don't get mad, mom- you don't do anything all day so you can sleep." My blood boiled and all I could say was, "Well you remember that the next time you want clean clothes." I honest to god feel like going on strike. 
I just... I need a vacation. Away from everyone. I'd really like to leave my entire family behind, go on strike, and just chuck deuces at them and see how long they'd last with out me. Instead, I'm going to read dirty romance novels and pretend that's my life. 

1 comment:

The Flynnigans said...

How was your diaper situation this morning??