Thursday, October 15, 2015

If you smell bleach, you need to be worried.

I don't always post certain things on my blog because I don't think people who aren't living it day to day would necessarily understand. But then time goes by and I think yes, I will share that because sometimes it would be nice to know someone else just gets it and I'm not the only one feeling the way I do.

I guess that's the whole purpose of a blog, is it not?

A few weeks ago I was feeling particularly low about myself and life in general. It's no surprise that since having Penelope, my body hasn't gone back to what it was, what took me so long to get to, and it's upsetting. It's frustrating, it makes me angry, it makes me feel defeated and it makes me feel like maybe I'm really meant to be a fat girl. Maybe I'm not supposed to be thin and maybe that's why it's such a damn struggle to get anywhere.

It all kind of came to a head about two weeks ago now when Matt basically let me know that yes, I've physically changed and yes, it's kind of an issue for him. But then he quickly back tracked and tried to make it sound less harsh than how it originally came out and let's be honest, there is no way to un-ring that bell. The damage was done and I was hurt.

But then the next day, in true Sara fashion, I got angry.

How fucking dare you criticize me. I've had three kids. I was never a thin girl to begin with. Yeah, maybe I don't exercise as much as I should but my level of exhaustion is cannot be accurately measured. You know why I don't feel like going out for a 3 mile walk/run? Oh, because I've been with a baby all day, hauling kids around, cleaning the house, running errands, and trying to minimize what my husband has to do when he gets home from a 14 hour work day. I kind of just want to go to sleep by 5 p.m.

The only way I know how to work through my anger without freaking out on people is to clean.

So that's what I did.

I sorted all of our winter gear in our front porch, made donation piles and washed everything else that we can still use. Cleaned the floors, moved the furniture around.
Washed all of the windows, cleaned the picture frames, and cleaned out the kids' art cabinet.
Then I took a break and read in my sunny porch area.

I had to each lunch and then I realized, I haven't cleaned my fridge in awhile.
So I took the son of a bitch apart, cleaned everything, and wiped all of the bottles down.
I also took apart my freezer, which was no east feat because freezers on the bottom are the WORST. I hate them.

Needless to say, my entire kitchen area smelled like bleach and you could have done one of those germ tests in my refrigerator and came back with nothing. It worked because when Matt came home and got hit with a wave of bleach smell, he knew he was in trouble. Didn't say a word to me all night.

I stewed for another week (I'm a Pisces, it takes me awhile to mentally go through things), I stupidly signed up for my first half marathon. Can I run around the block without wheezing and gagging? No. But that is a post for another day.


thotlady said...

Women's are cursed. We seem to be on one diet or another our whole adult lives. I am over it already! You hang in there girl.

Branson said...

hahahahaha! I totally get this! If there is bleach in the air it is best to hide because I am cleaning away some sort of crazy frustration ;)

jn said...

you are absolutely right !! You have had 3 children....Don't beat your self up. Look at all the stuff you got done in one day !! That's what I do. I go in spurts. One thing leads to another..... and oh the sense of accomplishment you should feel! By the way.....I love your porch and wish I had a place to sit in the sun and not freeze !!

The Flynnigans said...

You know I'm giving you a million hugs next May right?
Men are insensitive pricks and most only think with their dick. When Jeff and I are arguing, I cannot just gloss over shit and be fine and dandy about it the next minute. We usually fight or give each other the silent treatment. But in all seriousness, of course you've changed. You've had THREE human beings for Christ sakes!

I'm fucking fuming right now and just can't wait to get home and have Jeff make it all about him and how I've taken my day out on him. He asked, I said it was crap, haven't eaten etc. and then it goes towards, you're taking it out on me and have attitude. You know what? I'm not and leave me the fk alone. I'm allowed to have shit days and turning that around and making it about you, no I don't think so. I'm so sick of shit lately.... Annnnnnd I've ranted all my frustrations out on you. Sorry about hat :-(

Bethany Magnie said...

He he he I am the exact same way. If my house is spotless you better watch out!!! Someone is about to be crucified!

Shann Eva said...

Wow. I wish I cleaned when I was angry then maybe our house wouldn't be such a huge mess all the time. I hope you've let your husband have it. You still have a baby! My babies are over 3-years-old, and I've finally lost the weight.

Caitlin said...

Girl, I'm the same way. Upset? Time to clean.
xo, Caitlin
And Possibly Dinosaurs