Thursday, January 19, 2017

Dancing and Singing December Away

I didn't include these in a December phone dump post because they are kind of special all on their own and I don't think I shared them. It's no surprise that I feel like I'm struggling as a mom even on my best days. By the time the big kids get home from school I am so physically and emotionally exhausted from my day with the little kids that I feel like I have no time for them. It's just... I just want silence and they, of course, want to talk about their day and all of the drama they encounter at school and I can't, man. I just can't.

Cue the feelings that I'm screwing my children up and they'll be telling their future therapists that their mother wasn't emotionally available to them. Forget the college fund, I'll just set money aside for therapy. It's more beneficial anyways.

But in December I went to Olivia's dance recital.
And she did so well. The entire group did a great job and I enjoy watching her dance and I like seeing all of these girls get into their routine and just beam with pride. Normally I tear up when I watch her dance, always have, and it's because I'm just so damn proud of her and she's so beautiful and I just want to run up and squeeze her. I think what blew me away this year was realizing, long after I got home, that I didn't tear up. Yes, I was proud of her and I cheered and I clapped like a maniac. But it occurred to me that I didn't tear up and get all emotional.

Which only highlighted to me how off I am with depression. I don't know if it's the medication just numbing my brain or what but it's not a good feeling.

Later on in the month, the kids had their holiday concert at school. Again, I normally look forward to it, wave like that maniac mom in the crowd, and totally embarrass them. This time I snapped one photo of each kid and just sat there. I was such a mess that morning and I'm supposed to give myself credit for just going. But I can't because that's the bare minimum.
But can we all just say the collective "awwww" over Jackson? He wore his bow tie to school, kept it on ALL DAY, and was a little stud in the sea of ladies. And he sang. He didn't sing a whole lot but I saw those lips move enough where I could tell sound was actually coming out of them.
Then of course Olivia looked absolutely beautiful and was right up front. She is turning into such a stunning young lady, it's weird to see her change so much so quickly. This was her last winter concert in the elementary school and again, why wasn't I a mess? I know I would normally be a mess. I'll really be able to use the spring concert as a measure of my messed up head because if I'm not a blubbering mess at that, we'll know I'm really off the deep end.

I'm learning that not every day is going to be good. In fact, most days are going to be absolute shit. I can't even say that I'll have the glimmer of a good whole day here and there, it might just be a good moment or collection of moments from the day that I can call good. And maybe that's just going to be it for me, at least for awhile. I have to try to find one good thing in every day otherwise it's too easy for the sadness to drag me down.


Julie H said...

ah they are so cute. Growing up quick! We are all done with having to go to school programs.

Life Love & High Heels said...

They looked great! And try not to be so hard on yourself!

Unknown said...

You are such a great mama Sara. Don't be so hard on yourself. They love even your bare minimum unconditionally.