Friday, June 22, 2018

I have lost my entire mind.

I've been told you aren't supposed to do things that could be considered rash or not thought out when you're in a depressive episode. You make faulty decisions and your logic isn't always on point. I should tell you that right now, I'm only on my Wellbutrin and that's really bad because that's when I'm at my worst. I'm in between drugs right now and need to have the previous fully out of my system before I add anything else in, so I'm struggling with life right now pretty hard. I try not to talk about the things that go through my head in episodes like this because it was scare the actual shit out of you so I keep it inside and patiently wait for my next therapy session to unload all of the blackness inside of me. 

But in these episodes I also make incredibly stupid decisions. I buy things I don't need and can't afford, I decide I don't need medication at all and get incredibly sick, I'm snappy and mean to everyone, I sleep more than I should but I'm so tired I can't stay awake, and then I get angry. I get angry that this is where I'm at in life and I miss the old Sara. I'm angry I can't just up and go, that I have to mentally prepare myself to do something and even physically I can't do what I once did. 

A few days ago I was particularly angry and in a "screw YOU, life!" moment I did something that was pretty stupid. 

I signed up for a 5K. 

Now normally this wouldn't be cause for alarm except for the fact I can only walk a handful of blocks before my body is screaming and the exhaustion sets in and I could nap on someone's front lawn. How exactly do I think I'm going to make it three miles?! I have no idea and all of the training in the world couldn't help me. Not only can I not run three miles, I am not supposed to exert myself because of the adrenal insufficiency and I'm pretty running counts as exertion. 

So at this point I am going to throw caution to the wind and I'm going to try to walk it at least. Which means getting a full mile down by the end of July, two miles by August, and three miles by September which gets me to the three mile mark just in time for this race. Can I do it? I have no idea but I most likely will die trying. 


Tales of a Misfit Housewife said...

If I were close, I would walk it with you no matter how long it took. <3

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