Wednesday, June 13, 2018

That time I did a boudoir shoot and what I learned.

Last October I joined a secret group for Mad Chicken Photography- their boudoir photos page. I had been kicking the idea around to do a shoot for years so I went into this thinking someday maybe I'll get the courage to do it. Then Black Friday rolled around and they were offering 50% off their session fee, making it more affordable obviously, so I just jumped on it and picked a date at random. I figured if I did it early enough in the year I'd give the end result to Matt as an anniversary gift.

Now surprisingly, I didn't lose any of the weight I wanted to and in fact, gained 14 pounds leading up to my shoot. I showed up that day at my absolute heaviest weight and lowest self esteem, totally not ready to rock it and scared shitless.

Thankfully Emily and Jes have your back because they transformed me inside and out. The images speak for themselves.

 (the one where Jes thinks I look like Taylor Swift)

These are being given to Matt for our 14th wedding anniversary. He's getting a lot more images than this, obviously, but I wanted to share some PG ones so you could see what my experience was like. But I left there feeling on top of the damn world, wondering if I could actually get fake eyelashes on myself and not look like 2009 Britney Spears. You know what I'm talking about.

I will tell you that though I'm wearing stilettos, lord knows I did not walk in them. I legitimately put them on sitting down, and shuffled as little as possible. It was ridiculous and never again. Matt's going to laugh when he notices because he knows how much I hate heels and how that isn't me in real life at all. None of this is me in real life, this is all pretend. In real life my hair is in a messy bun, I'm wearing lame, ill fitting clothes and I likely have no makeup on. I look at these and I can pick out all of my flaws, all of the things I don't like but I also see a girl I used to be. She's still in there.

I learned that I have to figure out how to see myself in a different light. Before when I didn't like what I saw, I actively changed it. I exercised and lost weight and I never felt great but when I look back at photos of me then, I wish I could have that again. I looked really great. It turns out that I don't know how to be OK with what I have right now. I don't know how to just get some self esteem. I can  have one really fabulous day and that will buoy me for a little while but when it wears off what do I do then? I'm not really sure.

I learned that I took myself for granted all those years ago when I lost all that weight. I should have been happy where I was at. I think that was legitimately the best I am ever going to get and I spent that time wishing I was thinner. Then I think, what if I end up larger than I am right now and this is as good as I'm going to get? That's a pretty horrible thought but I think it sometimes. I don't feel sexy 99% of the time. Matt has never said anything to make me feel that way but I can do enough damage to myself, I certainly don't need any help. So it's a process. I don't know how I'll be in a year but I hope better than where I am now.

My blog for Mad Chicken can be found HERE and I really invite you to go there because it has more photos than I do and it's pretty insightful on my experience, too.

1 comment:

The Flynnigans said...

Girl, you look amazing! Good for you, this is something even I don't think I have the balls to do. Always wanted to but never committed.

I hope Matt LOVES all the pics.

*hugs* xoxxo