Health Update: Rexulti, Eyeballs, Guts

I continue to struggle managing my depression and anger. I will say that a lot of days I can get through just fine, no angry outbursts, no rage feelings, but when it comes? 

It COMES. 

I have to assume I'm terrifying to my small children because I scare myself. 

At my recent psychiatry appointment, where we are tweaking my meds so I don't jump off of the bridge, we decided that we would stop the Abilify and in its place start Rexulti. I'm pretty much game for anything at this point, so I was fully on board. I only made it three days on Rexulti when I discovered it was giving me tremors in my hands, arms, and head. 

If you've never had tremors, consider yourself lucky because it's really disconcerting. It's like having Parkinson's, just uncontrollable shaking. 

Guess what you shouldn't do with that? 

Shave. 

Let's just say I lost quite a bit of blood over the weekend just trying to shave my damn legs. 

I sent my doctor a message that I was going to stop the Rexulti and asked if I should restart the Abilify or just wait? Luckily for me I was able to get a sample pack of Rexulti so I wouldn't be left with an entire bottle of something I can't use, a practice more doctors should do because honestly- I've spent hundreds of dollars and have a vast quantity of pills that I can't use. 

I really wanted to ask if I'm going to be dependent on these forever. Will I forever need medication to participate like a normal person in society? Will my depression always be here? I think I asked once before but I want so badly to ask again... I just don't because I'm kind of afraid of the answer.

I also got my annual eye exam, which is the first one I've had in you know... FIVE YEARS. I got the side eye about that but truly, my glasses were fine and nothing had changed.

Then, of course, I had my AFE and stroke and that warrants some checking. In case you missed it, I had my stroke in the left occiptal lobe, which is where your eye sight function is regulated in the brain.

I've noticed that my glasses aren't quite doing it anymore and that I need to wear my glasses more and more. Certainly I need them for driving, 100%. I need them to watch TV now otherwise I can't read anything and pictures are blurry around the edges. Reading is fine so I feel like I'm not totally ruined.

But because of the stroke they gave me a more thorough eye exam, which took almost two hours, and he has seen every part of my eyeball and I had the worst headache after leaving there. But it's confirmed, I need to wear glasses almost exclusively. I have a MUCH stronger prescription and I need to change my drivers license to reflect that I need to wear them while driving.

Next up, my GUTS.

I've been complaining about stomach issues for awhile but only recently has it gotten to the point where I think there may be something wrong with me. It's intense pain, enough to make me double over in pain and take something for pain.

I've tried going gluten free, probiotics, fiber, stool softeners, laxatives, you name it, I've tried it. Nothing helps.

So the thought was maybe it was the methotrexate that I take but my visit yesterday confirms it almost certainly isn't that. So now I'm back to square one with a message into my primary care, who likely is going to pass me off to a gastroenterologist.

Fun times. 

Book Review: The Darkest Promise

I've only read part of this series but thankfully, they are all their own separate story part of a bigger picture, but the author does a great job at catching you up!

The Darkest Promise - Gena Showalter

Possessed by the demon of Misery, Cameo isn't allowed to experience joy. If she dares, her memory is wiped clean. With no other recourse, she sneaks into a land more fantastical than any fairy tale, determined to find the one man with the key to her redemption.

Lazarus the Cruel and Unusual rules his kingdom with a single unwavering focus: to build his army and annihilate his enemies. Nothing distracts him - until Cameo. He is relentless in his quest to make her smile and seduce her into his bed.

As dark forces conspire against them, threatening to destroy the fragile bond they've forged, the once-calm Lazarus grows crazed. Every heart-stopping kiss and wicked touch causes Cameo to teeter on the brink of happiness. But if she falls, she risks forgetting him forever.

Alright, so in confession, this is book 13 in the series and I've only read seven of them- not even in order. It's highly unusual for me to do that but this series is something I wouldn't normally pick up but I've been grabbing the books from library sales or reviews and piecemealing it together. I vaguely remember Cameo because I was thinking her doom, of never feeling joy without losing her memory, would be one of the hardest ones to have. They are all really awful in their own way but to never feel joy, or happiness? No matter what? That's kind of rough.

Can we talk about Lazarus? Because I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. He is so alpha, is probably the most alpha character I have ever read and it was so perfect and so much of what Cameo needed.  Anyways, so Cameo escapes to the realm that Lazarus rules over and he knows it's because she's destined to be his mate, also his greatest strength and weakness. But it can't be happy ever after because when he finds his mate, his body will harden into a crystal and he's in there forever.

Makes sexy times tricky.

And sexy times there are! Holy hell, lambs. I have forgotten how well Gena Showalter can write these scenes but she does not disappoint, and for two characters facing such dire futures, they can get it on like today is their last. Hot damn.

I'm giving this one a 4 star rating, only knocking it down because there were some funny spots but other points where humor is used and it doesn't fit the scene so much. But honestly I'm just getting nit picky here, it's a pretty great book and a stellar addition to this series.

One of the handiest things is if you get the Mass Paperback, in the back of the book there is a timeline of all of the other books, so if you haven't read them or it's been awhile, you can catch up. Each book has a quick summary and main events that happened so that going into this book you're not so much in the dark. This is SUCH a great feature and I'm glad Gena Showalter took the time to put this together for readers, it's so helpful.

   

Book Review: The Runaway Rock Star

I have to just tell you that I am like twelve books ahead of schedule for my Goodreads challenge, that never happens. I have so many books I'm in the process of reading and so  many great review ones coming up, I'm not in the mood to take a break at all!

The Runaway Rock Star - Veronica Blade

An infamous bad-boy rocker falls for a small-town girl who has no idea who he is. Considering his reputation, that’s probably a good thing. 

After his latest escapade splashes across the tabloids, Grammy-winning bad-boy Liam Blackwell questions his own choices. He alters his appearance, hits the road and drives until hunger forces him to stop at The Wagon Wheel. Mesmerized by the pretty bartender, he lingers and, with each passing moment, staying becomes easier to imagine. But he doesn’t do relationships and Emma isn’t a one-night kind of girl. And when this small-town girl learns all about his big city life, wouldn’t she dump him anyway? 

When a stranger walks into The Wagon Wheel wearing leather and a sexy grin, Emma Taylor is instantly drawn to him. But raising a child alone is hard enough at twenty-one without adding his kind of trouble into the mix. Though Emma sees more in Liam beyond the bruised knuckles and tattoos, she can’t risk temptation again or allow herself to hope for love, because when he inevitably blows out of town, he’ll just be another guy who broke her heart. 

I'm giving this a strong four star rating. Had this had more actual love scenes, this easily could have been a five star, I just didn't realize that Veronica Blade writes "semi clean" novels. Overall though, it was pretty good.

We have Liam, who goes by stage name Nick Black, who has had enough of his celebrity and the spotlight, so he decides to shave his goatee and cut his hair, take out the car he never uses, and hit the road. He lands in Gardnerville, Nevada, in a run down little bar where he meets Emma. Emma the show stopping, gorgeous, single mom bartender. By the end of the night he's helping out behind the bar, staying at her place, and falling in love.

The beginning of the book starts of hokey and fully unrealistic, but once you get beyond that and realize that these two were made for each other? It's an adorable romance. You won't find any sex scenes, but plenty of PG-13 heat and this is fully about falling in love with someone for the right reasons... even if he's lying about his life, small details, right? It's clear this is the start of a series, and I'm sincerely hoping Emma's friend Breanna is the second book with one of Liam's band mates, maybe even the one trying to get sober... or maybe the one Emma's is doing books for. Either way, I'm all in.

   

Weight Loss Wednesday: Screw you, body.

Last week I was pretty down on myself, and it's hard not to be. This week I have decided that even if I can't lose weight, I'm going to do something every day to exercise because I can't get any worse. I'm going to try really hard to maintain where I'm at if nothing else, I don't want to keep setting records for my worst weigh in yet. 

So. 

Every single day last week (except Sunday) I went three miles on my recumbent bike. It takes me about 25 minutes to do it and I have it on the third resistance setting so it's not super taxing but it isn't easy, either. 

On Monday I did my mile on the treadmill. Admittedly, I could have (and should have) done more but I'm going to fix that this week. If I can get two days on the treadmill in, I'll consider it improvement. 

If you are a long time reader of the blog you will likely remember my brief stint with vlogging. I was at my peak of fitness during those and I was working hard to do 5K's and I was able to briefly get down to a size 10 pant. 

Sigh. 

I miss her. I miss her for a lot of reasons, not just because she was a fit bitch, but because she was really the best version of me. I don't know if I can get back to that but if I could just get a little of that spark... I feel like I could move mountains. 

Book Review: Starlight Nights

I'm trying to stay on top of my monthly book subscription box books, but I am failing miserably. It's out of control yet I can't stop myself. I want them ALL.

Starlight Nights - Stacey Kade

At twenty-three, Calista Beckett is trying to overcome her early fame and fortune. The former savior of the world on Starlight is now a freshman at college--miles away from L.A. and her former existence. She sees it as her start to a new life, a normal life, one where she won't make the same mistakes she made before--a brush with heroin addiction and losing her freedom to her controlling mother, thanks to a court order.

Eric Stone played her older brother, Byron, on Starlight. But she's been in love with him pretty much since they kissed--her first kiss--while auditioning. When Eric shows up on campus out of the blue asking her to return to California for a role, Calista's struck immediately by two things: first, in spite of everything that's happened, she still feels something dangerous for him, and second, she's absolutely determined not to let him ruin her life again.

Only Eric's not giving up so easily.

I have to be honest and tell you that had this not come in my PageHabit box, I wouldn't have chosen this one to read. It comes in at almost 400 pages and honest to goodness, at least 100, maybe 150 pages of it could be written out. It's so slow to start that I almost put it in the DNF pile, but I wanted to read the annotations and understand why they were there.

In this book we have a really hard to like heroine, Calista, and easier to like Eric. Both were actors on a hit TV show back in the day, they had a tragic falling out involving another actor on the show, and because neither one of them have any kind of maturity or communication skills, they go years without talking. Until Eric branches out on his own and is making a web series from a book that Calista loves, and he wants her for the lead. Only she isn't acting anymore but doesn't really seem sure about being in college and all of that. Throw in an over the top stage mom (Calista's) and an asshole dad (Eric's), and you've got more drama than even necessary. This is a follow up book to 738 Days, which I hadn't read but didn't need to because it was all recapped in this one.

Overall I'm giving this one a solid two stars. It was alright. It wasn't great, it's not one I'd read again, and it's not one that I would buy for my friends, but I wouldn't stop them from reading it. The book does have a sweet ending and once their romance gets going (almost towards the END), it picks up in interest.

  

A Dangerous Game

If you're a Heather Graham fan, she's back with another solid book!

A Dangerous Game - Heather Graham

The third novel in the New York Confidential series by long-established NYT bestselling romantic suspense author Heather Graham. This is the author's romantic-suspense stream, in addition to her successful ongoing mass market paperback paranormal romantic suspense series.

Psychologist Kieran Finnegan is thrust into the middle of an investigation into human trafficking when a desperate woman shoves an infant into her arms and then flees...only to be murdered minutes later on a busy Manhattan street. Despite the fact that it isn't an FBI case, Special Agent Craig Frasier starts poking around, because Kieran can't stop thinking about the child and the victim. Their one lead comes through the pub, Finnegan's on Broadway. One of the waitresses also volunteers at a church outreach center, and had been in contact with a distraught young pregnant woman, whom she recommended Kieran to as someone who might be able to help her. When Kieran goes to the outreach center to do some off-the-books investigating of her own, she is approached by two women who are worried for their missing friend, and who reveal that they were part of a human trafficking ring that did business in babies. As Craig and Kieran delve deeper into the underbelly of NYC trying to find out more, the dangerous elements of the ring come to the surface, hoping to silence Kieran before she exposes them. 

The third book in the New York Confidential series, A Dangerous Game is a stand alone, you definitely don't need to read the first two to understand what is going on in this one. In this book it starts with Kieran, getting ready to leave work for the day, suddenly confronted by an unknown woman in her office, handed a baby, and the woman runs out only to be murdered out in the street in broad daylight by an unknown assailant. Nobody, especially Kieran, knows who the woman, or the baby, are or why she would seek Kieran out like she did. You get the immediate impression that Kieran is someone who wants to be involved in helping people so she can't let this rest.

Her FBI boyfriend, Craig, agrees to be put on the case part to ease Kieran's mind but part because it has the feel this could be tied to the Russian underbelly of New York City or some kind of immigration scam. Either way, he's on the case.

This book isn't big on romance so if you're going into this looking for that, keep looking because while Kieran and Craig are a couple, it's not a prevalent story line in the book. They're a couple and they stay a couple. I actually liked this book because sometimes you just need a break from romance, and you get to see the "inner workings" of the FBI more in this book than in previous ones, I suspect. When you get to the end and Graham is weaving all of the story lines together neatly you realize it's a very current problem I'm sure law enforcement are facing around the country but particularly cities heavy with immigrants, such as New York City.

Fast, entertaining, suspenseful read, sure to be a favorite if you're a Heather Graham fan or if you have read the first two books!

   

Book Review: A Mother's Book of Blessings

If you are looking for a Mother's Day gift, I've got you. Pair this with a sweet note, some flowers, and maybe a spa certificate, and you will be winning it this year.

A Mother's Book of Blessings

With ageless wisdom for every occasion, this elegant little book is the perfect gift for mothers looking for a little dose of enlightenment. Illustrated with exquisite vintage art, it's filled with time-honored proverbs, enriching parables, uplifting quotes, and inspiring poetry that encourage readers to contemplate and celebrate life's milestones. These illuminating words and their invaluable lessons, drawn from cultures around the world, will resonate with families from all walks of life. Whether commemorating the birth of a new baby, celebrating a graduation, a birthday, a housewarming or a special holiday, this timeless treasury provides guidance and encouragement for everyone: an enduring keepsake readers will turn to again and again. 

This book is another gem from National Geographic, and I'm telling you- they have the BEST gift books, aside from their travel books. You wouldn't think this would be a mine of goodness but it absolutely is and I enjoyed paging through this.

Full of beautiful, and sometimes vintage like, illustrations, all 350 pages has a short poem, proverb, or thoughtful statement about the cycle of motherhood. Beginning with becoming a mother and ending with gratitude, it covers every challenging stage. Whether it's "new baby", or "travel", and every important milestone, you'll find yourself nodding along as each one speaks to a mother in a new way.

This would make an excellent gift for a new mother, your mother, your grandmother, or yourself. It's thoughtful, it's beautiful, it's sweet, and it's a gentle look at motherhood and the challenges (and rewards) of being a mother in every aspect.