Stress. It's what's for every damn meal.

It's funny when I go to therapy and she asks me how have things been since my last visit. Normally I see her every other week so it's only like two weeks between visits so what could really  happen in that span consistently?

For me, a lot. Every single visit for the last week I tell her it's been bad and I'm struggling. I'm really getting tired of having a constant barrage of crap coming at me. Let's talk about what's on my plate:

• Lucy's speech. It's going well and she actually seems to enjoy having him come twice a week. It stresses me out because having people in my house sends my anxiety through the roof so that's been awful. He now thinks she actually DOES have apraxia of speech and that's more serious than just a regular delay. 
• Speaking of, we just set up her evaluation for the school district's speech people since she would need to transition to that when she's three, so that's at the very end of May. I didn't like the school (the person answering the phone was RUDE and started telling me some lady told her she isn't supposed to transfer people so she took a message but then decided to transfer me, it was a hot mess, and then the next person kept asking why I was calling and apparently, "I'm returning her call from 10:30 this morning, my daughter's name is Lucy" is not enough of a reason to warrant me calling.) Anyways. It's set up and I am telling you now, I really, really hope I can open enroll Penelope and Lucy because I do NOT want to end up at that school. Ugh. 
• Gastroenterology. Well it looks like I'll be getting a repeat EGD and colonoscopy done at the end of May as well. Yes, I get to be probed in both ends at the same time, I can hardly wait. But I need the colonoscopy this time because he's "concerned" about some of my recent symptoms and my labs so that has me completely worried. 
• Let's go back to Lucy. As of yesterday she has stopped walking. I know, weird, right? At first I thought maybe she bumped her leg or whatever but when she wasn't able to stand up all day? Something is very wrong. 
• I feel like a lot of things are going into the calendar and I can't keep up with any of it. It feels every single day something is going on and knowing I'm obligated to something is stressing me out. 
• My memory isn't doing great and my doctors say I shouldn't stay home and isolate myself, I need to push myself to go out of my comfort zone (within reason) and run my errands, go to dinners, and try to do things that make my working memory do its job. It's hard to do because when you know you are going to forget where you are, how you got there, what you're doing, how to pump gas, how to pay for something at a store, and you're forced to write your PIN on the front of your debit card because you might forget it, it's scary. It's actually terrifying and my first reaction is to stay home. But I can't because I'm losing it here and I can't handle this anymore. 

It's just a lot. God knows there's more but I'm not going to share it. I just... I'm exhausted. I feel like I keep getting things thrown at me and I just can't keep up anymore. I just want things to turn around. I want to be normal with easy problems and have not everything feel like a crisis. I'm just tired of it. 

Anyways. 

So good news is dance is almost done so I'll get a little break at least. Tennis for Jackson will start soon though and he's excited about that. Olivia made it onto the 8th Grade Leadership Team, which is a big deal and she's been panicking about it for a few weeks now. She's beyond the moon excited and it's hard not to be excited with her. Penelope is THRILLED to almost be done with 3K because that means she's big enough for 4K and she's all about that. We're planning a small vacation to Branson and St. Louis, Missouri to cross that state off of our map but it looks like we won't be able to go until August. But that's OK. I'm trying to find deals and hotels for cheap but I've got time. 

I don't know. I feel like I have a lot of things going on it my head and I can't keep anything together. I don't know if I'm coming or going anymore. 

Book Review: The Mister

You guys. Oh, you guys.

The Mister - E L James

London, 2019. Life has been easy for Maxim Trevelyan. With his good looks, aristocratic connections, and money, he’s never had to work and he’s rarely slept alone. But all that changes when tragedy strikes and Maxim inherits his family’s noble title, wealth, and estates, and all the responsibility that entails. It’s a role he’s not prepared for and one that he struggles to face.

 

But his biggest challenge is fighting his desire for an unexpected, enigmatic young woman who’s recently arrived in England, possessing little more than a dangerous and troublesome past.  Reticent, beautiful, and musically gifted, she’s an alluring mystery, and Maxim’s longing for her deepens into a passion that he’s never experienced and dares not name. Just who is Alessia Demachi? Can Maxim protect her from the malevolence that threatens her? And what will she do when she learns that he’s been hiding secrets of his own?

 

From the heart of London through wild, rural Cornwall to the bleak, forbidding beauty of the Balkans, The Mister is a roller-coaster ride of danger and desire that leaves the reader breathless to the very last page.

Let me start by saying I was one of the people who enjoyed the Fifty Shades trilogy. Yes, it had terrible editing and the writing wasn't great, but at the core of it, it was unlike anything else out there and it hit the mainstream. E L James managed to do something no other erotic romance author has done and it really opened up a new genre to the soccer moms and they feel no shame in reading them because now they are popular. I will forever give her credit for that and good for her.

But what I wanted her to do was take all of that money she earned and hire a god damn EDITOR and find a publisher that actually gave an ACTUAL DAMN about the quality of book coming out with their stamp of approval on it. Seriously. Either one would do, both would have been nice.

Before I get into this book I'm going to tell you it ends with every loop not being closed so I would bet everything in me this ends up a trilogy as well. It was set up as such, it ends almost on a similar ending as Fifty Shades and even the story line mimics it with the danger element. And while I'm going to sound like a total tool talking about this book, you have to know me enough by now to know I will read the rest of the trilogy because I have poor impulse control, I'm a sucker for a series, and my OCD legitimately will not allow me to skip out.

And I hate myself for it.

In this book we have Maxim, and he's fresh from the death of his brother. Their parents had "an heir and a spare" when they had kids and you can guess that Maxim is the spare. He's a bit of a playboy with his hand in a lot of different things but no direction, really. Then we have Alessia, clearly an illegal immigrant who finds herself in London after some kind of horrible experience and through a connection of a friend, she ends up as Maxim's "daily", which is housekeeper for us American folk.

I cannot tell you how many times Maxim thinks about her "ghastly blue housecoat and scarf" SO MANY TIMES throughout the god damn book that it's absurd. It could be mentioned once and as a reader with short term memory loss, even I could remember that's what she wears when she cleans. We are continually hammered at how poor Alessia is as if at some point we should look at Maxim as the best guy ever because look- he looked past all her ugly to find her worth. Get the hell out of here with that. Secondly, the book changes voices constantly. It's forever switching between first and third person, sometimes in the same chapter and it's absolutely frustrating to read. I just want to get through the damn book, you know?

If it's any indication of how this book is, the term "fuck a duck" happens in the first 50 pages and a few more times throughout.

While I did manage to finish this, and the second part kind of got a little better in thanks to the pages dedicated to them having sex, this is a solid 2 start book. I even have to mention the sex was only meh. If you are expecting scenes like what you got in Fifty Shades, turn all the way around and run because you will not find that here. There is one small part where he uses handcuffs on another girl and has a one sentence thought that Alessia wouldn't be ready for that but then you never hear anything more about that. Oh god- don't get me started on the "forbidden room" that you absolutely can never go into. I got excited and then NOPE, just wait until you see what it is. Honest to shit I have never been more disappointed in my whole life. Honestly I've read books that have been independently published as a PDF only that are edited far better. Frankly, I'm a little taken aback at how unrefined this book is given the magnitude of success Fifty Shades had brought in, I would think E L James' next book would warrant the best of the best and that's absolutely not what we have here.

The entire story feels hokey and bizarre? It's like modern day Cinderella meets Pretty Woman, kind of. She's illegal, he's a rich Earl but she doesn't know it, they fall in love, she plays piano well and has broken English, he takes her in and decides hiding his identity is the best situation, she's got sex traffickers and her betrothed after her, it takes a weird fucking turn when he goes to Albania, the whole thing is such a bizarre story that you almost keep reading just to see where the actual hell is she going? Then it ends on a damn cliffhanger which guarantees more is to come. It really feels like E L James wanted to really go there, really push the envelope and show what she can really do, and she fell so far short of that. Honestly, I think she'll get to finish this trilogy but then this might be the end. Unless she can really ramp up the next books and hire a better team for it, I don't know if we'll read more from her in the future.

All in all? Don't buy it. Truly. If you really can't stop yourself from reading it, wait for a library copy, borrow it from a friend, wait until it's free on Kindle, something but spend your money on something more worthy.

   

Book Review: Bent But Not Broken

In all of the books I've read I have read, I have never come across a topic like this. Fiction, nonfiction, none of it. You know I've read a huge range of books but this was a complete first for me.

Bent But Not Broken - Don Cummings

Bent But Not Broken is an unflinchingly honest memoir about the onset of Peyronie’s disease, a painful and sexually limiting condition that is estimated to affect more than 5% of the worldwide adult male population. Don Cummings writes humorously about the emotional and collateral damage brought on by a suddenly curved penis as he struggles to maintain his sense of sex and self. He openly details the doctor visits, the excruciating treatments, and the acute anxiety over the state of his long-term relationship with a man who is supportive but often helpless in the face of nature’s whims. Discordant domestic life, a harrowing kidnapping by a handsome stranger, and reminiscences of a hyper-active sexual past are woven into the single-minded quest to minimize the effects of this deforming disorder. Brace yourself for a daring, heartfelt and beautifully twisted story of love and survival. 

I'm going to tell you completely up front that this book contains sexual content and talks about M/M sexual encounters so if that is not your thing or if your progressive, cool friend would consider you a prude, you need to skip this one all together because there aren't enough pearls in the world for you to clutch.

Alright, so this book is a memoir of sorts about a man who develops Peyronie's disease. Did you know this was even a thing? I did not but being honest, it's not like I've come face to face with a ton of penises. Thanks to a rash of penis pictures years ago, I've seen a wide variety but I can tell you I've never seen anything like what you'll find on Google images when you look this up, which is exactly what I did when I was reading this because while I understand what it means to have a bent penis, I really needed to know if we're talking a curve or 90 degree angle. I'm not going to give it away but if you want to forever change your Facebook ads, you're welcome.

It can be painful (obviously) but also have an emotional impact on the person but also take a toll on their relationship because sex and intimacy is a huge factor in a successful relationship. In this book Don talks about this beginning and how jarring it was to go through this not only as a person but as someone in a long term relationship. The book is funny, it's written as if you're sitting down for coffee with him. It isn't clinical and dry, but it really is funny to the point where it feels inappropriate to laugh at his situation yet here you are because he wants you to laugh with him at the absurdity of it all. It also kind of highlights the taboo of penises in general. We hear a lot about women's health but we only hear about erectile dysfunction in regards to medication to have prolonged sex. We occasionally hear about prostate cancer but anything else with a penis is pretty taboo and I think a lot of men are reluctant to go to a doctor and say "hey- I think I've got a problem here" because it takes a shot at their virility. Which is absurd but you know, it is what it is. So I think this book did a good job covering all of the issues something like this would bring a guy but also that it isn't a doomed diagnosis, either.

Overall I'm giving this one a solid (get it? HA!) 4 stars. It was informative, I learned a lot about penises that I didn't know before and I think I've freaked my husband out by asking him questions and intensely scrutinizing his penis looking for any kind of curve and he thinks I'm nuts. Better safe than sorry I say. So if you're a guy, definitely pick this one up because you can't know too much about your penis. And ladies, if you want to learn a LOT about a penis, here you go. *ahem*

   

Thank you to TLC Book Tours and Don Cummings for my ARC! All thoughts are my own, and affiliate links have been used. 

Weight Loss Challenge (week 25)

I had a little bit of progress this week due to warmer weather. That was actually pretty nice. I did learn that using a double jogging stroller with only one kid is incredibly difficult and I almost tipped it over and Lucy almost fell out. 

So the goal is to get my single stroller out of my mom's garage because Lucy has been reluctant to get back into the double. Understandably so. 

Aside from that I have kind of decided I'm not going to worry about my diet. I feel like (overall) I eat just fine. Should I eat more vegetables? Sure. I'll give you that. But for the most part I eat pretty alright and you know.... if I want ice cream? I'm going to have it. If I want nachos? I'm going to have it. Eating less and still being hungry only makes me irritable, even if I'm seeing progress on a scale. Life is short, I want to enjoy what I can while I can.

Lately when I do go for a walk I've been listening to podcasts and I stumbled across the Unladylike podcast because it was recommended on another blog. And wouldn't you know, they have a How to Leave Dietland part 1, and part 2, which were so good. A lot of the information I already knew but it was nice to hear another take on it, so if you are struggling with your diet, definitely give this a listen. 

Heading into this week I have therapy (THANK GOD), I see the gastroenterologist (nervous, but THANK GOD), and my plan is to get a few more walks in. It's supposed to be kind of chilly (under 40 degrees, but not freezing) so I have to just suck it up and do it. But at this rate....

Hang in there, lambs!

Book Review: The Girl He Used To Know

I have so much to say about this book, I can't even give you a preamble.

The Girl He Used To Know - Tracey Garvis Graves

Annika (rhymes with Monica) Rose is an English major at the University of Illinois. Anxious in social situations where she finds most people's behavior confusing, she'd rather be surrounded by the order and discipline of books or the quiet solitude of playing chess.

Jonathan Hoffman joined the chess club and lost his first game--and his heart--to the shy and awkward, yet brilliant and beautiful Annika. He admires her ability to be true to herself, quirks and all, and accepts the challenges involved in pursuing a relationship with her. Jonathan and Annika bring out the best in each other, finding the confidence and courage within themselves to plan a future together. What follows is a tumultuous yet tender love affair that withstands everything except the unforeseen tragedy that forces them apart, shattering their connection and leaving them to navigate their lives alone.

Now, a decade later, fate reunites Annika and Jonathan in Chicago. She's living the life she wanted as a librarian. He's a Wall Street whiz, recovering from a divorce and seeking a fresh start. The attraction and strong feelings they once shared are instantly rekindled, but until they confront the fears and anxieties that drove them apart, their second chance will end before it truly begins.

I received an ARC of this book months ago, like in 2018, to review. I've been in a serious reading funk and I just couldn't read things. Like writer's block but for reading. I don't know. I couldn't muster the energy. So here I am in April and I'm trying to power through my TBR list and I see this. I read her very first book, On The Island, way back in 2012 and I absolutely LOVED IT. If I'm looking for a book to take me away, that has always been my go-to. I've read some other books by this author and some were good, some weren't, so I had no idea where this would fall. 

You guys? This is a 5 star read. You know I'm stingy with my stars and I'm telling you right now this book earned every damn one. I feel like I'm not even going to do this book justice, but I'll try.

So this is the story (mostly) of Annika as she navigates college and young womanhood and it's not necessarily easy because it's very clear to you as the reader that she has to be somewhere on the autism spectrum. It's not mentioned for almost the entire book, but for good reason, it honest would ruin everything before it. As you read this book Annika is at a store, runs into Jonathan, her one (and only) real, steady boyfriend. College sweethearts, assumed to stick together after, but they don't and the book kind of hints that there was a major reason why. It's flashbacks to college and switches from Annika and Jonathan's point of view and done so well I didn't even care. We see Annika's awkwardness as she starts college, joins a club, makes a friend, tries her hand at having a boyfriend, all of it. Throughout though everyone around her kind of suspects something is amiss because she's painfully awkward and struggles in so many areas but when she's with Jonathan he smooths the edges, so to speak. 

Then we have "the incident" and then they are their own adult. But as they gravitate towards each other again, it's wonderful and adorable, and they are the same yet different. She's better/different and he's in awe of the changes she's made knowing she worked so hard at it. Then I'm going to tell you there is a 9/11 tie in and I was just as emotional reading this as I was reading survivor stories years later from the event. The author nailed this and knowing what we know about Annika, you can imagine what that was like for her.

Anyways. I loved this book. I flew through it in two days while sitting in my car outside of my daughter's dance class (five hours total) and I was honestly sad to finish it. I wanted more, I want to know what happens later on with them (I can't even tell you what I want to know because it ruins it for you). I also loved where it ended, too because the abrupt ending almost felt fitting because that's how Annika would have ended it. Annika's awkwardness was actually so sweet and endearing but she's also conscious enough to know it's not the way "normal" people approach things and I just really enjoyed her as a character. The development of these characters was just really great.

I hate recommending a book to a broad audience but honestly? If you had a child on the spectrum, read this book. Yes, it's fiction, but for me it still shows how a "normal" future is possible despite their struggle. I don't even think I'm saying this the way I mean it. I just really loved this book and this is one I'm going to recommend a lot because it was just solid from cover to cover.

   

Book Review: My Wicked Prince

Alright, so I saw this advertised first on Instagram then on Facebook so obviously, I had to buy it. I've read a couple different books from this author so I was pretty confident in my purchase and it turns out I wasn't wrong.

My Wicked Prince - Molly O'Keefe

He was my stepbrother.

My Prince Charming.

My fairy tale gone totally wrong...

My mother marrying the king was supposed to give my mom and me our happily ever after. But my life has never been a bedtime story and no prince with a fancy shoe is turning me into a Cinderella.

I had big plans outside of my small but powerful country. But Gunnar, the wicked prince in a gorgeous package, was temptation too strong for me to resist. His sweet lies and sweeter kisses pulled me back into his arms over and over again until his cold cruel heart finally broke mine for good.

Now he's going to be King and he wants me back in his country, his palace...and his bed.

And we all must bow to the King.

I'm going to start by telling you I'm giving this one 4 stars but if you've read anything by this author before this book kind of feels out of place in her catalog. She always seems to have the bad boy with issues and the smart girl who doesn't take shit and demands the best from him- she has that trope down, so I wasn't surprised to see this book follows suit.

Here we have Gunnar, heir to the throne and he doesn't really care. His father, the King, is getting married to a commoner who happens to have a daughter, Brenna. Brenna could care less about being in the castle and becoming a princess- she has big plans all on her own and she doesn't plan to stick around longer than she has to. Initially Gunnar isn't really hospitable and Brenna has heard the stories about him being a playboy so her expectations of him aren't high.

Soon enough though, little sparks start flying and the attraction grows and suddenly they have a problem- the optics of a prince getting it on with his stepsister aren't real great. To be honest, as I read the book I kind of had a hard time looking past that. I know they aren't blood related but... it's really strange. I have a step brother and yeah, I would never consider striking up a relationship with him. This book pushes boundaries while at the same time keeping the female lead smart and powerful in her own right. Brenna holds her own and I'm really digging female characters who aren't stupid and meek. I will say though there is a "banishment" (really?!) and Gunnar says some pretty awful things to Brenna, and he's doing it to take the heat off of her, and Brenna believes it. She throws out all logic and gut feelings and that felt like a forced plot twist for me and eye roll worthy.

So overall I'm giving it 4 stars but it's barely getting there. If you want to try Molly O'Keefe, she has other books that are so much better than this one and I would start there first.

   

Book Review: Until Harry

I was just telling a friend that I really want to renew my subscription to The Bookworm Box but honestly, I have so many books from past boxes I haven't read yet. Lets not add to the crisis, right? So I'm trying. I picked this one up because it looked good so here we go.

Until Harry - L.A. Casey

He was my best friend, my best not-really-big-brother, and my best protector.

He was my best everything.

He was mine.

Coming home is hard for Lane. Hard because Harry, her beloved uncle, has died suddenly, but also because of him. Kale.

Kale Hunt has been her best friend since childhood. But it was never that simple. He was Lane’s reason for leaving home and moving to New York. Seeing him with someone else, in love with someone else, shouldn’t have hurt. But it did. It really, really did. So she upped sticks and left, started a new life and cut herself off from her past.

But now she’s back, and all the feelings are right there. As if she had never left.

Emotions are running high for everyone, and tragedy has a funny way of bringing people together. But is Lane reading the signs right? Are they still just friends, or is there something more?

Let's just sing it together, OK? "Feelings.....nothing more than feeeeeeelings."

That's what this book is going to give you. It has unrequited love, awkwardness of losing your virginity, trauma, death, suppression of feelings, jealousy, rage, more death, making poor choices because of your emotions, etc. Literally every trope you can fit into a romance book and this one covers it. Honestly I might be missing a few but you get the basics.

In this book we have the struggling love story of Lane and Kale. They grow up together, he's three years older, but Lane is in love with him for as long as she can remember. She doesn't act on it because Kale says often that he loves her like a sister, he's practically a member of their family, and she grows up wanting to be loved by him in a different way but also feeling weird about it because he's like a brother to her. As they grow up it only gets worse except you get the glimmers that Kale feels the same way and is struggling with the same issues, but neither of them do anything because they are terrible communicators and are never on the same page at the same time, it seems.

Until Lane's beloved uncle Harry dies and she's forced to return home and deal with all of the issues that she ran away from. With a story line that alternates to present day and Lane's past, the story of how Lane and Kale being in this strained and heartbreaking impasse is told out and we see the highlights on their relationship timeline. Throughout you see the mistakes they are making and you want to shake your fist at them but alas, it's just a book and you'd look weird.

One negative of the book for me was Lane. She's a combination of stubborn, hard-headed, but also incredibly immature. She doesn't listen to what anyone says but is equally angry when they say nothing at all. It's not that I didn't like her but she was just teetering on that brink and I really wish she had stood up for herself sooner than she did because waiting until the last possible second is just terrible.

Positives of the book is going to be the scene she loses her virginity. I'll tell you- my night was definitely not that hot and I was a little jealous of her. The situation around it is screaming red flags but I also would have thrown caution to the wind and went with it. I really liked Kale, he's the good guy who doesn't really know what to do and feels like he's damned if he does but damned if he doesn't. Things get more complicated for him but they kind of clear the fog out of his eyes too and he comes around the bend a lot sooner than Lane. 

I will say, if you are looking for a book chock full of sexy sessions, you're going to be fairly disappointed, there's really only one but it's at least a really good one. If you're looking for a love story as it unfolds, this is definitely for you and I think you will really enjoy it. Overall I'm giving this one a solid 4 stars. I had a hard time putting it down and liked it.