I really don't know if I can sum up in words what my last 24 hours have been like. I know a week from now I will (hopefully) not be such a damn wreck. I know every day it's going to get easier. I flip flop from wishing I would just skip all of the middle and get to that point.... and wanting to really remember what this feels like and just... absorb it to memory.
Last night, true to form, contractions started and it's odd that I thought I had forgotten what that felt like but no, I didn't. That memory is neatly tucked away somewhere in my brain. Also strange because it's like slow motion, going through all of the exercises you would if you were in real labor just to get some damn relief. My doctor said I could take some over the counter medicine for pain but I never did. It's like, if I'm going to be punished, I may as well take all of it.
I managed to fall asleep somewhere around 10 p.m. despite bleeding a lot and a decent amount of pain. I woke up right at midnight though because something felt wrong so I hobbled to the bathroom and I have never seen so much blood in my life. I felt all kinds of stuff leave my body and I'm sobbing, Matt's there trying to bring me whatever comfort he can but he's also not quite awake. I had this horrifying moment where I was sure that that was the baby in the bottom of the toilet and I just cried. I fell asleep, crying, hugging a god damn toilet.
Fast forward to around 4 or 5 this morning. Again, felt really off and I am trying to deal with tears, my pajamas, the god damn dog who thinks I'm obviously having puppies and before I know it, something plops into my hand as I'm trying to get situated.
And I should have never looked. I shouldn't have. I know I paused but I couldn't stop myself.
It was very clearly my baby.
It was tiny. I could see eyes, the beginnings of where ears would be, the super beginnings of legs and arms, big head. It's like.... exactly what those computer images you see in "what your baby looks like now" videos on pregnancy websites. I don't know what I was expecting but that was horrible. It was horrible to know that I held the entire world in my hand and it was for nothing.
In hindsight, maybe I should have done some ceremonial thing, maybe I would feel closure. Instead, I admittedly freaked out and dropped it and flushed without thinking twice. I was so scared. I just panicked.
And I feel like shit. I feel like I just threw my baby away and I immediately regretted it.
And I cried. Oh, did I cry.
It was that moment that I knew there was no way in hell I was going to be able to work today. Not a damn chance. I really don't want to talk to people about it, I don't want to see pity in people's eyes, I don't want to hear the "I'm so sorry" because it just doesn't help. I feel like I'm firmly in the angry at the world phase. I think back to my appointment yesterday and a fucking crack head has a newborn, and I don't. If there really is a God, he's doing a really shitty job. He'd rather a baby be born addicted to drugs to someone who won't take care of it than give him to me when I would love the hell out of it? I mean, you can try to explain it away that we don't know why God does what he does, but when I look at everything in my life I just firmly don't believe he's there. We're all on our own, doing it for ourselves.
I know in my heart obviously, something was wrong with the baby. The stars didn't line up quite right and that's why I'm in the boat I am. When you look at everything that needs to happen just so to make a baby healthy, it's really a miracle we're able to birth so many babies at all. I know in my heart I am not equipped to hand a special needs child like others can. It just doesn't make it any easier to think my body failed me. It's like, all the precautions and care mean nothing in the end- it is what it is.
So tonight, I'm still bleeding and I'm crampy. I'm exhausted. My face is puffy. Every time I think I'm fresh out of tears, they just start silently pouring. It's like I don't even know I'm doing it anymore until it gets to full on ugly cry and I've got boogers all over myself. I really hope I can pull it together for tomorrow, since I absolutely HAVE to go to work tomorrow.
Friday will be awful. I have my appointment in the morning for my ultrasound to make sure everything that needs to be gone is. Matt is going to work because we have Jackson's kindergarten graduation and I'd rather have him there for that than my appointment. I'm debating on going alone or asking my mom to come. I don't know if that's something I'd rather just go to alone and maybe sit somewhere afterwards or not.
I will say, probably the worst part of today were my kids this morning. They both woke up and came to lay with me before getting ready for their school day, like we do every day. Jackson had been crying and just said to me, "Mama? Can we get another baby? I really wanted to be a big brother." I mean, my heart broke even more. Whatever thread it was hanging together by was gone at that moment because I felt like I let my kids down. Matt said to me last night he really believes we should try again. And I'm just... I don't know. I'm straight down the middle again.
So right now, I feel a little lost. I just feel like a balloon adrift. No real purpose, no end destination. It's just a phase. I'm sure in the coming weeks I'll feel better. I really wish I had the money to just.. go somewhere. Just book a vacation and go. I want to be on a beach and watch the water. Or just.. go somewhere warm and go hiking and relax in a pool. It feels like there's too much here weighing on me and I feel like I'm suffocating.
BUT, we're broke and that isn't going to happen. I'll guess I'll just take a bath.
I will close by saying thank you. Thank each and every one of you who have sent me a message, cards, email, text, whatever. I haven't responded but please don't think I didn't see it or I don't care. You don't have the right words to say and I don't know how to respond without seeming callous or like a nut job. I'm in a bad place right now but knowing I have so many behind me holding me up is really amazing. I don't know how much worse off I would be if I were all alone, and so I appreciate it. I do. Thank you so much for being so wonderful and kind. Every little bit helps.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Sigh.
Well. I don't think there is ever a good way to deliver bad news, is there? It's best to rip it off like a band aid, I suppose.
I lost my baby.
I went to the doctor today and I knew immediately that baby was gone. Not only was there no heartbeat, it wasn't any bigger and it looked.... it looked like a black hole. I knew right away. I couldn't look at Matt because I didn't want to cry. For once I just wanted to be strong. The ultrasound tech looked so sad and she just rested her head on my leg and said, "Oh honey.... things don't look like they should."
And I cried.
I cried so hard. Never in my life had I cried that hard. I felt like a failure. I felt like as a mother, I failed my baby. I felt like I let Matt down- I couldn't even carry his baby. I couldn't do it right and I'm sorry. I tried.
The irony here, is that it was that moment that made me realize how badly I wanted that baby.
I felt like I was being punished.
I think that ultrasound tech knew all of this was running through my head. All I remember is her hugging me as Matt stared as the still image of our dead baby, and her saying I was still a good mom. I didn't do anything wrong and that nature just worked out something that would have been harder for me later on.
In my head- I know all of this. I do.
I still can't look past it.
I left there with a prescription to essentially induce a miscarriage on my own. I know a lot of people opt for a D&C and I just couldn't. It felt cruel to just suck it out like it meant nothing at all. I feel like, as the mother, I can endure whatever pain and emotional upheaval is coming my way. I owe my baby that much.
I came home, followed the directions on the medicine and waited for my kids to come home. Thankfully, my mom said she could pick them up from school and bring them home. It's been a few hours. I was doing OK emotionally. Matt and I told the kids- they cried. They cried hard, which only makes me cry harder. Jackson asked me if we could still have a baby someday and I said maybe we could. Matt told me he would like to try again. Me being pregnant made him think three is in our future. I'm just too numb to think.
I was doing OK. I'm in some pain but it's not horrible. It feels exactly like early labor contractions, just as the doctor said they would. She said within 48 hours it should be gone. I go for a follow up ultrasound on Friday morning to make sure.
Right before Jackson's kindergarten graduation. I don't know how I'm going to keep it together during that as it is, and then I'll have this on me.
About an hour ago I felt a surge of pain and sure enough, I've started bleeding. That's when I lost it. I can't even tell you the guilt I feel right now. No amount of rationale is going to make this better for me. I know in a few weeks I'll be fine. I know I will. Right now I'm just crying because I just wish life would give me a fucking break. Why does everything have to be such a god damn uphill battle? Why can't things just happen and be amazing for me? What have I done to deserve nothing but struggle all of the way? I'm a good person. I do good things for people, I try to be kind and thoughtful, I help everyone who needs it when I can. And yet, none of it even matters because my heart is so battered some days I can't even breathe.
And now I get to feel my baby leave my body and it'll be for nothing.
The alarming thing is that the doctor held my hands and said, "Sara. I want you to prepare yourself and do not be alarmed. You ARE going to pass a noticeable size of tissue. It won't look like a baby, but you're going to know what it is. I don't want you to be scared, I want you to be prepared. You can do this." I left there feeling like I had a plan and I was going to do this.
And now it's started and I am absolutely terrified. I'm sad and terrified.
I lost my baby.
I went to the doctor today and I knew immediately that baby was gone. Not only was there no heartbeat, it wasn't any bigger and it looked.... it looked like a black hole. I knew right away. I couldn't look at Matt because I didn't want to cry. For once I just wanted to be strong. The ultrasound tech looked so sad and she just rested her head on my leg and said, "Oh honey.... things don't look like they should."
And I cried.
I cried so hard. Never in my life had I cried that hard. I felt like a failure. I felt like as a mother, I failed my baby. I felt like I let Matt down- I couldn't even carry his baby. I couldn't do it right and I'm sorry. I tried.
The irony here, is that it was that moment that made me realize how badly I wanted that baby.
I felt like I was being punished.
I think that ultrasound tech knew all of this was running through my head. All I remember is her hugging me as Matt stared as the still image of our dead baby, and her saying I was still a good mom. I didn't do anything wrong and that nature just worked out something that would have been harder for me later on.
In my head- I know all of this. I do.
I still can't look past it.
I left there with a prescription to essentially induce a miscarriage on my own. I know a lot of people opt for a D&C and I just couldn't. It felt cruel to just suck it out like it meant nothing at all. I feel like, as the mother, I can endure whatever pain and emotional upheaval is coming my way. I owe my baby that much.
I came home, followed the directions on the medicine and waited for my kids to come home. Thankfully, my mom said she could pick them up from school and bring them home. It's been a few hours. I was doing OK emotionally. Matt and I told the kids- they cried. They cried hard, which only makes me cry harder. Jackson asked me if we could still have a baby someday and I said maybe we could. Matt told me he would like to try again. Me being pregnant made him think three is in our future. I'm just too numb to think.
I was doing OK. I'm in some pain but it's not horrible. It feels exactly like early labor contractions, just as the doctor said they would. She said within 48 hours it should be gone. I go for a follow up ultrasound on Friday morning to make sure.
Right before Jackson's kindergarten graduation. I don't know how I'm going to keep it together during that as it is, and then I'll have this on me.
About an hour ago I felt a surge of pain and sure enough, I've started bleeding. That's when I lost it. I can't even tell you the guilt I feel right now. No amount of rationale is going to make this better for me. I know in a few weeks I'll be fine. I know I will. Right now I'm just crying because I just wish life would give me a fucking break. Why does everything have to be such a god damn uphill battle? Why can't things just happen and be amazing for me? What have I done to deserve nothing but struggle all of the way? I'm a good person. I do good things for people, I try to be kind and thoughtful, I help everyone who needs it when I can. And yet, none of it even matters because my heart is so battered some days I can't even breathe.
And now I get to feel my baby leave my body and it'll be for nothing.
The alarming thing is that the doctor held my hands and said, "Sara. I want you to prepare yourself and do not be alarmed. You ARE going to pass a noticeable size of tissue. It won't look like a baby, but you're going to know what it is. I don't want you to be scared, I want you to be prepared. You can do this." I left there feeling like I had a plan and I was going to do this.
And now it's started and I am absolutely terrified. I'm sad and terrified.
Monday, June 2, 2014
Nerves, vomit and a bladder who is heartless.
So tomorrow I have what is supposed to be a 7 week prenatal appointment. I went last week and they had determined that I was only 6 weeks and 2 days, so they couldn't see the baby's heartbeat. She assured me that's normal and that 99% of the time, they can't see anything until 7 weeks and hear it at 10 weeks. They gave me a due date of January 18, 2015.
Which, a baby born in a blizzard doesn't sound ideal AT ALL. Nor does trucking it in the middle of the night when it's -50 outside. Alas, baby 3 doesn't give a damn and will probably come at the worst possible weather moment this winter. I'm just sure of it.
But I go tomorrow and they will do another ultrasound to make sure they see a heartbeat and then we go from there as far as appointments and all of that.
Can I be totally honest? I'm very nervous.
But let me back up. With my previous pregnancies, I never had any real discomfort. Sure, Olivia gave me heartburn that I thought was going to set my chest on fire. Sure, Jackson got lazy and was all, "I'm just going to lay here and not move because I'm tired." and he made me worry. (Which to this day, Jackson is by far, one of the laziest children I know. His lack of movement should have clued me in on how hard it would be to get him to do anything requiring physical activity.) Other than that? My pregnancies were easy, super stress-free, and I felt good the entire time.
This time? Not the case AT ALL.
I have had incredibly vivid dreams of dramatic miscarriages pretty much every night for a week or so. They have gotten so bad that I wake up absolutely terrified to go to the bathroom for fear I'll see blood or worse, some kind of disfigured kidney bean blob of baby. It's absolutely irrational but I cannot help it and I am not kidding you- if they don't see a heartbeat tomorrow I don't know what kind of shape I'll be in.
Secondly, the morning sickness? Holy fucking HANNAH. I keep telling Matt this baby hates me. This baby must know I am still unsure about this whole thing and is punishing me the best way that it can- by making me vomit favorite foods. I can never eat a grilled cheese sandwich again and that makes me angry. I asked about morning sickness medicine and she said that basically, they now limit who gets it because so long as I'm not losing weight, I'll make it through this. Basically telling me in a really nice way they are sick of moms-to-be being absolute pussies about pregnancy. I get it, I say it to people all of the time. So at this point, I'm going to toughen it out because I refuse to be a pussy pregnant lady.
Thirdly, my bladder has essentially chucked deuces at me and given up on life. Thankfully, I haven't hit the "I have to pee all of the time" stage, but every time I throw up, my bladder just refuses to help a girl out. It doesn't matter if I make myself pee before I throw up, how I sit, what I do- that bladder is going to squeeze everything it has out as I'm throwing up just to throw salt on the wound. The doctor said there's nothing I can do, maybe do some Kegels. So, that's useless. Stupid ass bladder.
So, think happy thoughts and hope that I:
- see a baby heartbeat tomorrow
- don't vomit on medical personnel
- and if I do, I don't pee my pants at the same time.
*Matt says if I throw up and/or pee on myself, he's never coming with me to another appointment again.*
Which, a baby born in a blizzard doesn't sound ideal AT ALL. Nor does trucking it in the middle of the night when it's -50 outside. Alas, baby 3 doesn't give a damn and will probably come at the worst possible weather moment this winter. I'm just sure of it.
But I go tomorrow and they will do another ultrasound to make sure they see a heartbeat and then we go from there as far as appointments and all of that.
Can I be totally honest? I'm very nervous.
But let me back up. With my previous pregnancies, I never had any real discomfort. Sure, Olivia gave me heartburn that I thought was going to set my chest on fire. Sure, Jackson got lazy and was all, "I'm just going to lay here and not move because I'm tired." and he made me worry. (Which to this day, Jackson is by far, one of the laziest children I know. His lack of movement should have clued me in on how hard it would be to get him to do anything requiring physical activity.) Other than that? My pregnancies were easy, super stress-free, and I felt good the entire time.
This time? Not the case AT ALL.
I have had incredibly vivid dreams of dramatic miscarriages pretty much every night for a week or so. They have gotten so bad that I wake up absolutely terrified to go to the bathroom for fear I'll see blood or worse, some kind of disfigured kidney bean blob of baby. It's absolutely irrational but I cannot help it and I am not kidding you- if they don't see a heartbeat tomorrow I don't know what kind of shape I'll be in.
Secondly, the morning sickness? Holy fucking HANNAH. I keep telling Matt this baby hates me. This baby must know I am still unsure about this whole thing and is punishing me the best way that it can- by making me vomit favorite foods. I can never eat a grilled cheese sandwich again and that makes me angry. I asked about morning sickness medicine and she said that basically, they now limit who gets it because so long as I'm not losing weight, I'll make it through this. Basically telling me in a really nice way they are sick of moms-to-be being absolute pussies about pregnancy. I get it, I say it to people all of the time. So at this point, I'm going to toughen it out because I refuse to be a pussy pregnant lady.
Thirdly, my bladder has essentially chucked deuces at me and given up on life. Thankfully, I haven't hit the "I have to pee all of the time" stage, but every time I throw up, my bladder just refuses to help a girl out. It doesn't matter if I make myself pee before I throw up, how I sit, what I do- that bladder is going to squeeze everything it has out as I'm throwing up just to throw salt on the wound. The doctor said there's nothing I can do, maybe do some Kegels. So, that's useless. Stupid ass bladder.
So, think happy thoughts and hope that I:
- see a baby heartbeat tomorrow
- don't vomit on medical personnel
- and if I do, I don't pee my pants at the same time.
*Matt says if I throw up and/or pee on myself, he's never coming with me to another appointment again.*
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Etched on Me
Oh, lambs. SUCH a good book. Seriously, SUCH a good book. I'm telling you right now- book club read.
Etched On Me - Jenn Crowell
On the surface, sixteen-year-old Lesley Holloway is just another bright new student at Hawthorn Hill, a posh all-girls prep school north of London. Little do her classmates know that she recently ran away from home, where her father had spent years sexually abusing her. Nor does anyone know that she's secretly cutting herself as a coping mechanism...until the day she goes too far and ends up in the hospital.
Lesley spends the next two years in and out of psychiatric facilities, where she overcomes her traumatic memories and finds the support of a surrogate family. Eventually completing university and earning her degree, she is a social services success story, until she becomes unexpectedly pregnant in her early twenties. Despite the overwhelming odds she has overcome, the same team that saved her as an adolescent will now question whether Lesley is fit to be a mother. And so she embarks upon her biggest battle yet: the fight for her unborn daughter.
Can I tell you right now that I couldn't put this book down? I was drawn in immediately to poor Lesley's story of sexual incest abuse. That's what it boils down to and basically how the entire system basically fails her.
Lesley is sexually abused by her father for years and after realizing her mother isn't going to help her, she decides to run away and find help. She finds a sympathetic case worker that gets her set up in a hostel and over time, she begins to cut herself to cope with what her life has turned into. It's one thing to get a person out of that situation, but to provide absolutely no support for the mental anguish she's obviously dealing with, is almost cruel. Then one day she goes too far with the cutting and she ends up in ICU and then through various psychiatric hospitals. Eventually, she is able to overcome her demons and completes her schooling and everyone applauds her on being a survivor, a success story for them all.
Until.
Until one day she finds herself unexpectedly pregnant. And as it states at the very beginning of the book, she wants this baby. She wants this baby so much it's almost an intangible feeling yet it's there and it's like her life line. It's the one thing in life she has to forever cling to. All of the people who regale her as a success story now question her ability to be a good mother and are actively trying to relinquish her rights.
I won't tell you if she is able to keep her child or if her child remains in the care of the surrogate family- it ruins the entire thing. What I will tell you is that this book will horrify you, it will make you want to scream on Lesley's behalf, you equally want to shake her and hug her, and you just want something good to happen to her. Just absolutely anything good because dammit, she deserves it. If being a mother is going to be the light of her life, then why can't she have that? Well, we learn more about her time in psychiatric care and all of the facets of what sexual abuse does to a person so you find yourself rooting for both sides at time.
It's a really amazing book. I can only imagine the conversations book clubs would have about this because this is something that can be a really polarizing topic for people. Even I found myself struggling through parts when I would flip flop my opinions and it's never a cut and dry situation. Talk about blurred lines, really. Not to mention, the writing? Amazing. Jenn Crowell gets you right there and you feel like you are literally watching this play out in front of you versus words on a page.
I absolutely, totally recommend this book. Seriously. Get this on your to-read list, it's pretty gripping.
Etched On Me - Jenn Crowell
On the surface, sixteen-year-old Lesley Holloway is just another bright new student at Hawthorn Hill, a posh all-girls prep school north of London. Little do her classmates know that she recently ran away from home, where her father had spent years sexually abusing her. Nor does anyone know that she's secretly cutting herself as a coping mechanism...until the day she goes too far and ends up in the hospital.
Lesley spends the next two years in and out of psychiatric facilities, where she overcomes her traumatic memories and finds the support of a surrogate family. Eventually completing university and earning her degree, she is a social services success story, until she becomes unexpectedly pregnant in her early twenties. Despite the overwhelming odds she has overcome, the same team that saved her as an adolescent will now question whether Lesley is fit to be a mother. And so she embarks upon her biggest battle yet: the fight for her unborn daughter.
Can I tell you right now that I couldn't put this book down? I was drawn in immediately to poor Lesley's story of sexual incest abuse. That's what it boils down to and basically how the entire system basically fails her.
Lesley is sexually abused by her father for years and after realizing her mother isn't going to help her, she decides to run away and find help. She finds a sympathetic case worker that gets her set up in a hostel and over time, she begins to cut herself to cope with what her life has turned into. It's one thing to get a person out of that situation, but to provide absolutely no support for the mental anguish she's obviously dealing with, is almost cruel. Then one day she goes too far with the cutting and she ends up in ICU and then through various psychiatric hospitals. Eventually, she is able to overcome her demons and completes her schooling and everyone applauds her on being a survivor, a success story for them all.
Until.
Until one day she finds herself unexpectedly pregnant. And as it states at the very beginning of the book, she wants this baby. She wants this baby so much it's almost an intangible feeling yet it's there and it's like her life line. It's the one thing in life she has to forever cling to. All of the people who regale her as a success story now question her ability to be a good mother and are actively trying to relinquish her rights.
I won't tell you if she is able to keep her child or if her child remains in the care of the surrogate family- it ruins the entire thing. What I will tell you is that this book will horrify you, it will make you want to scream on Lesley's behalf, you equally want to shake her and hug her, and you just want something good to happen to her. Just absolutely anything good because dammit, she deserves it. If being a mother is going to be the light of her life, then why can't she have that? Well, we learn more about her time in psychiatric care and all of the facets of what sexual abuse does to a person so you find yourself rooting for both sides at time.
It's a really amazing book. I can only imagine the conversations book clubs would have about this because this is something that can be a really polarizing topic for people. Even I found myself struggling through parts when I would flip flop my opinions and it's never a cut and dry situation. Talk about blurred lines, really. Not to mention, the writing? Amazing. Jenn Crowell gets you right there and you feel like you are literally watching this play out in front of you versus words on a page.
I absolutely, totally recommend this book. Seriously. Get this on your to-read list, it's pretty gripping.
Broken
Book review time! Let's break up the downer posts this week with a review, shall we?
Broken - M. L. Young
Bailey Wrenn is a small town girl with a big back story. Her mother left when she was young, leaving her in the care of an out of touch alcoholic father that barely noticed her existence. After trudging through life with no clear direction, she begins to wonder if she needs to leave this scarred memory of a town behind and finally move on. When Bailey hears from her friend Julie that life in Chicago is great and she should come out sometime, she takes that open invitation, and comes to visit her old friend with no idea of when she’s going to leave.
One night, after Julie drags her from the apartment to see a local fight, she sees Kyle, a mysterious MMA fighter with a winning streak and an elusive personality. He doesn’t talk to anybody after his fights, and disappears faster than Bailey can blink. One day during a chance encounter filling out job applications, Bailey runs into Kyle at his work, and the electricity between them is bright enough to light up the city.
It’s only when they begin to get close, though, that things are turned upside down. An old boyfriend and a brutal and devastating past makes Bailey believe she can’t be close to another man ever again, even if he seems perfect. She feels alone. She’s broken.
HEA and no cliffhanger! This is a standalone novel.
*This book is recommended for readers 17 and up for violence, language, and some adult situations.*
I had actually been pretty excited to read this book and then I started reading it and yeah.... nothing really comes together. It's certainly not the worst book I've read. I will say there are a lot of areas this book could have some improvements to make it a better book. The dialogue is not great, it comes off of very... teenager angsty, which doesn't make sense since it's not geared towards teenagers persay, it does have violence and other things I wouldn't want my teenager to read.
Bailey basically has a pretty crappy life. Her mom is missing in action, her father is a drunk who has checked out on being a parent, and she basically has zero guidance. So she leaves and heads to Chicago where she meets Kyle (well, she mostly sees him at first and later meets him) and things are kind of fun between them. Then we start learning more about Bailey's back story and her ex-boyfriend who's just a complete ass, and he essentially starts stalking her, which is ruining her life change in Chicago. But on top of all of this, she's trying to develop a relationship with Kyle and it's just really awkward to me and very.... vanilla. Not that I expected this to be a blazing romance, but to plan out a passionate evening weeks in advance? That's kind of weird, right? I mean, do people do that? I know I've never done that.
Overall? Lots of improvements to be made on this book. I think the potential of a good story is 3 stars, the execution of it is 1, maybe 2 stars. It's just not what I had hoped it to be.
Broken - M. L. Young
Bailey Wrenn is a small town girl with a big back story. Her mother left when she was young, leaving her in the care of an out of touch alcoholic father that barely noticed her existence. After trudging through life with no clear direction, she begins to wonder if she needs to leave this scarred memory of a town behind and finally move on. When Bailey hears from her friend Julie that life in Chicago is great and she should come out sometime, she takes that open invitation, and comes to visit her old friend with no idea of when she’s going to leave.
One night, after Julie drags her from the apartment to see a local fight, she sees Kyle, a mysterious MMA fighter with a winning streak and an elusive personality. He doesn’t talk to anybody after his fights, and disappears faster than Bailey can blink. One day during a chance encounter filling out job applications, Bailey runs into Kyle at his work, and the electricity between them is bright enough to light up the city.
It’s only when they begin to get close, though, that things are turned upside down. An old boyfriend and a brutal and devastating past makes Bailey believe she can’t be close to another man ever again, even if he seems perfect. She feels alone. She’s broken.
HEA and no cliffhanger! This is a standalone novel.
*This book is recommended for readers 17 and up for violence, language, and some adult situations.*
I had actually been pretty excited to read this book and then I started reading it and yeah.... nothing really comes together. It's certainly not the worst book I've read. I will say there are a lot of areas this book could have some improvements to make it a better book. The dialogue is not great, it comes off of very... teenager angsty, which doesn't make sense since it's not geared towards teenagers persay, it does have violence and other things I wouldn't want my teenager to read.
Bailey basically has a pretty crappy life. Her mom is missing in action, her father is a drunk who has checked out on being a parent, and she basically has zero guidance. So she leaves and heads to Chicago where she meets Kyle (well, she mostly sees him at first and later meets him) and things are kind of fun between them. Then we start learning more about Bailey's back story and her ex-boyfriend who's just a complete ass, and he essentially starts stalking her, which is ruining her life change in Chicago. But on top of all of this, she's trying to develop a relationship with Kyle and it's just really awkward to me and very.... vanilla. Not that I expected this to be a blazing romance, but to plan out a passionate evening weeks in advance? That's kind of weird, right? I mean, do people do that? I know I've never done that.
Overall? Lots of improvements to be made on this book. I think the potential of a good story is 3 stars, the execution of it is 1, maybe 2 stars. It's just not what I had hoped it to be.
Monday, May 19, 2014
Bee Summers (and giveaway!)
Hello, lambs! The next couple of weeks is going to be kind of busy and I have some planned posts, some more book reviews and some much needed updates for you all. Bear with me as I'm still trying to make some decisions and once I do, I'll fill you all in.
Bee Summers - Melanie Dugan
The spring Melissa (Lissy) Singer is eleven years old her mother walks out of the house and never returns. That summer Lissy's father, a migratory beekeeper, takes her along with him on his travels. The trip and the people she meets change her life. Over the years that follow, Melissa tries to unlock the mystery of her mother’s disappearance and struggles to come to terms with her loss.
I will tell you upfront that the reason I chose to review this book is that when my mom was younger, her mother just up and left the family. Now, my mom and the kids all turned out fine, but it's always fascinated me how a mother could just seemingly leave their families behind and just not think twice about it. I think that no matter how well adjusted a child is, that does something to them and you can't always fix that.
In this book, Melissa is only eleven when her mom just disappears and never comes back. She holds hope for the entire summer that her mom is at a rally, or maybe she has cancer and is just going to come back when she feels better. She embarks on a trip with her dad on his annual bee runs and she meets a variety of characters along the way. She sees another side of her dad and she can't help but think they know where her mom is and she worries she's doing the wrong thing by befriending some of them. In the fall, when she returns to school, it seems like the entire town knows about her mother and the whispers and bullying start. She loses her best friend who is too embarrassed to be with her and even still, her dad gives her no information and she's encouraged just to forget about mom and move on.
So she moves on, but she never stops wondering what happened to her mom.
As she gets older, things get easier and she finds a life of her own. When she has her own family and her dad remarries, she feels resentment and angry towards him and they never fully come back together. I can't tell you much beyond that but it's a bittersweet ending. I feel bad for her dad because I think he really thought what he was doing was the best way to handle it. Sometimes people don't think kids can handle the truth, I guess.
I kind of adored this book. I felt terrible for Lissy, but given the circumstances she did pretty well for herself. She got some closure and though not all of her questions were answered, she was able to move on with her own family. It's not a long book, it's kind of sad, but it's also kind of triumphant because Lissy could have ended up badly, she really could have. She could have made a series of bad choices and gone in a hard direction for life but she didn't. She didn't let her parent's choices threaten what she wanted out of life and that's pretty darn admirable.
Also interesting, is that this book can be purchased on Etsy through Upstart Press. What a creative outlet to sell your book for one, it certainly is handmade, and a unique way to get yourself out there. For one of my readers, you'll get your very own copy of Bee Summers!
Bee Summers - Melanie Dugan
The spring Melissa (Lissy) Singer is eleven years old her mother walks out of the house and never returns. That summer Lissy's father, a migratory beekeeper, takes her along with him on his travels. The trip and the people she meets change her life. Over the years that follow, Melissa tries to unlock the mystery of her mother’s disappearance and struggles to come to terms with her loss.
I will tell you upfront that the reason I chose to review this book is that when my mom was younger, her mother just up and left the family. Now, my mom and the kids all turned out fine, but it's always fascinated me how a mother could just seemingly leave their families behind and just not think twice about it. I think that no matter how well adjusted a child is, that does something to them and you can't always fix that.
In this book, Melissa is only eleven when her mom just disappears and never comes back. She holds hope for the entire summer that her mom is at a rally, or maybe she has cancer and is just going to come back when she feels better. She embarks on a trip with her dad on his annual bee runs and she meets a variety of characters along the way. She sees another side of her dad and she can't help but think they know where her mom is and she worries she's doing the wrong thing by befriending some of them. In the fall, when she returns to school, it seems like the entire town knows about her mother and the whispers and bullying start. She loses her best friend who is too embarrassed to be with her and even still, her dad gives her no information and she's encouraged just to forget about mom and move on.
So she moves on, but she never stops wondering what happened to her mom.
As she gets older, things get easier and she finds a life of her own. When she has her own family and her dad remarries, she feels resentment and angry towards him and they never fully come back together. I can't tell you much beyond that but it's a bittersweet ending. I feel bad for her dad because I think he really thought what he was doing was the best way to handle it. Sometimes people don't think kids can handle the truth, I guess.
I kind of adored this book. I felt terrible for Lissy, but given the circumstances she did pretty well for herself. She got some closure and though not all of her questions were answered, she was able to move on with her own family. It's not a long book, it's kind of sad, but it's also kind of triumphant because Lissy could have ended up badly, she really could have. She could have made a series of bad choices and gone in a hard direction for life but she didn't. She didn't let her parent's choices threaten what she wanted out of life and that's pretty darn admirable.
Also interesting, is that this book can be purchased on Etsy through Upstart Press. What a creative outlet to sell your book for one, it certainly is handmade, and a unique way to get yourself out there. For one of my readers, you'll get your very own copy of Bee Summers!
GIVEAWAY
1. Must be a follower of this blog via BlogLovin (see button below to make it quick and easy)
2. Leave a comment on this post and be sure to include your email address.
Winner will be announced on Monday, May 26! I'll even open this up to International readers since I'll be mailing this out myself.
Friday, May 16, 2014
The Unfinished Child
Wow, wow, wow.
The Unfinished Child - Theresa Shea
Theresa Shea's first book explores female friendships, prenatal testing, infertility, and Down syndrome. Shea tackles a complex moral issue with great sensitivity. This is a must read not only for parents in the Down syndrome community but for all parents, and for anyone who appreciates masterful story-telling.
When Marie MacPherson, a mother of two, finds herself unexpectedly pregnant at thirty-nine, she feels guilty. Her best friend, Elizabeth, has never been able to conceive, despite years of fertility treatments. Marie's dilemma is further complicated when she becomes convinced something is wrong with her baby. She then enters the world of genetic testing and is entirely unprepared for the decision that lies ahead.
Intertwined throughout the novel is the story of Margaret, who gave birth to a daughter with Down syndrome in 1947, when such infants were defined as "unfinished" children. As the novel shifts back and forth through the decades, the lives of the three women converge, and the story speeds to an unexpected conclusion.
With skill and poise, debut novelist Theresa Shea dramatically explores society's changing views of Down syndrome over the past sixty years. The story offers an unflinching and compassionate history of the treatment of people with Down syndrome and their struggle for basic human rights. Ultimately, The Unfinished Child is an unforgettable and inspiring tale about the mysterious and complex bonds of family, friendship, and motherhood.
I can't even fully tell you how much I loved this book. This book had me from the first chapter all the way to the end. You have no idea what's happening but when things start clicking together at the end it just feels... perfect. Between the difficulty of pregnancy, have an imperfect child decades ago and now, friendships between women and even abortion- it's just everything you need to read. All at once, right here.
The best part about this is that I hated both Marie and Elizabeth, the two friends highlighted in the story, but it doesn't take away from the story at all, it just makes it better. I felt terrible for Margaret, who gives birth to her first child only to be presented with a devastating ending with no real possibilities. We see what it was like to have a "mongoloid" child (Down's Syndrome) in 1947, where that child was sent to an institution and forgotten. Except Margaret can't forget her child, and eventually- she visits in secret and is subsequently horrified. But it doesn't stop her until one day she makes a heartbreaking and terrifying discovery and she knows she can't go back.
Fast forward to present time, and Elizabeth so desperately wants a baby of her own but with multiple failed fertility routes, her marriage is falling apart, and her friendship with Marie is a mess. Marie has children of her own but isn't really maternal and struggles with the changes of being a mother, when she suddenly finds herself pregnant a third time, she feels equal parts terrified, doubtful, and guilty. Once Elizabeth finds out about the pregnancy, she's obviously upset and struggles with that. Then when it's clear Marie's pregnancy isn't the standard pregnancy and she's faced with an impossible choice. It puts their lifelong friendship at risk. But it gives light to how some friendships just fade away, life changes you and sometimes what was a good fit at one point in your life, isn't a good fit later on. Especially if you feel as if you are in some kind of competition with that person. But then we learn more about Elizabeth and her history as an adopted child, and how that gives her a new direction.
What an emotional story. There was a passage in the beginning of the book that I tabbed off because I felt like it just grabbed at me, and you could maybe relate to it as well:
"Finally, Barry quietly came upstairs. Marie regulated her breathing and pretended to be asleep. They had performed this scene so many times in their married life- she pretending to be asleep, he pretending to believe she was sleeping. But maybe this time would be different. Maybe this time he would apologize for his remark and seek some kind of reconciliation. It wouldn't take much, just a light touch on the small of her back, or a brief kiss on her cheek. Just a small acknowledgment that this pregnancy was not simply hers to deal with, now was it a way to measure her life against her best friend's. Why didn't he ever just say that she was doing a good job, that she was a good mother? But when he emerged from the bathroom he slid slowly into bed, careful not to bounce the mattress. The he turned over, his limbs contained to his side of the bed, and within minutes began to snore.
Sometimes loneliness was a physical pain that was worse than any cramp or contraction she'd ever had."
God- who can't just read that and feel what that means because we've all been there at some point? I didn't like Marie, but damn- I could relate to her right here. The struggle she goes through is awful and it's not something you would ever wish on someone or ever want to deal with on your own. What was sad to me was towards the end there was some conversation about how back in day, children with disabilities were often forgotten in some institution to be abused and neglected. Then we have a time where parents were encouraged to bring them home and love them. Now we're at a point where you can terminate a pregnancy and it begins an argument is that even right? I think some people cannot raise a disabled child, and it shouldn't be forced. It's just a hard decision with so many life long repercussions.
I really recommend this book to really any woman, mom or not. It's such a fascinating story of womanhood, parenting, marriage, friendship and self doubt. So excellent, I can't rave enough about it.
The Unfinished Child - Theresa Shea
Theresa Shea's first book explores female friendships, prenatal testing, infertility, and Down syndrome. Shea tackles a complex moral issue with great sensitivity. This is a must read not only for parents in the Down syndrome community but for all parents, and for anyone who appreciates masterful story-telling.
When Marie MacPherson, a mother of two, finds herself unexpectedly pregnant at thirty-nine, she feels guilty. Her best friend, Elizabeth, has never been able to conceive, despite years of fertility treatments. Marie's dilemma is further complicated when she becomes convinced something is wrong with her baby. She then enters the world of genetic testing and is entirely unprepared for the decision that lies ahead.
Intertwined throughout the novel is the story of Margaret, who gave birth to a daughter with Down syndrome in 1947, when such infants were defined as "unfinished" children. As the novel shifts back and forth through the decades, the lives of the three women converge, and the story speeds to an unexpected conclusion.
With skill and poise, debut novelist Theresa Shea dramatically explores society's changing views of Down syndrome over the past sixty years. The story offers an unflinching and compassionate history of the treatment of people with Down syndrome and their struggle for basic human rights. Ultimately, The Unfinished Child is an unforgettable and inspiring tale about the mysterious and complex bonds of family, friendship, and motherhood.
I can't even fully tell you how much I loved this book. This book had me from the first chapter all the way to the end. You have no idea what's happening but when things start clicking together at the end it just feels... perfect. Between the difficulty of pregnancy, have an imperfect child decades ago and now, friendships between women and even abortion- it's just everything you need to read. All at once, right here.
The best part about this is that I hated both Marie and Elizabeth, the two friends highlighted in the story, but it doesn't take away from the story at all, it just makes it better. I felt terrible for Margaret, who gives birth to her first child only to be presented with a devastating ending with no real possibilities. We see what it was like to have a "mongoloid" child (Down's Syndrome) in 1947, where that child was sent to an institution and forgotten. Except Margaret can't forget her child, and eventually- she visits in secret and is subsequently horrified. But it doesn't stop her until one day she makes a heartbreaking and terrifying discovery and she knows she can't go back.
Fast forward to present time, and Elizabeth so desperately wants a baby of her own but with multiple failed fertility routes, her marriage is falling apart, and her friendship with Marie is a mess. Marie has children of her own but isn't really maternal and struggles with the changes of being a mother, when she suddenly finds herself pregnant a third time, she feels equal parts terrified, doubtful, and guilty. Once Elizabeth finds out about the pregnancy, she's obviously upset and struggles with that. Then when it's clear Marie's pregnancy isn't the standard pregnancy and she's faced with an impossible choice. It puts their lifelong friendship at risk. But it gives light to how some friendships just fade away, life changes you and sometimes what was a good fit at one point in your life, isn't a good fit later on. Especially if you feel as if you are in some kind of competition with that person. But then we learn more about Elizabeth and her history as an adopted child, and how that gives her a new direction.
What an emotional story. There was a passage in the beginning of the book that I tabbed off because I felt like it just grabbed at me, and you could maybe relate to it as well:
"Finally, Barry quietly came upstairs. Marie regulated her breathing and pretended to be asleep. They had performed this scene so many times in their married life- she pretending to be asleep, he pretending to believe she was sleeping. But maybe this time would be different. Maybe this time he would apologize for his remark and seek some kind of reconciliation. It wouldn't take much, just a light touch on the small of her back, or a brief kiss on her cheek. Just a small acknowledgment that this pregnancy was not simply hers to deal with, now was it a way to measure her life against her best friend's. Why didn't he ever just say that she was doing a good job, that she was a good mother? But when he emerged from the bathroom he slid slowly into bed, careful not to bounce the mattress. The he turned over, his limbs contained to his side of the bed, and within minutes began to snore.
Sometimes loneliness was a physical pain that was worse than any cramp or contraction she'd ever had."
God- who can't just read that and feel what that means because we've all been there at some point? I didn't like Marie, but damn- I could relate to her right here. The struggle she goes through is awful and it's not something you would ever wish on someone or ever want to deal with on your own. What was sad to me was towards the end there was some conversation about how back in day, children with disabilities were often forgotten in some institution to be abused and neglected. Then we have a time where parents were encouraged to bring them home and love them. Now we're at a point where you can terminate a pregnancy and it begins an argument is that even right? I think some people cannot raise a disabled child, and it shouldn't be forced. It's just a hard decision with so many life long repercussions.
I really recommend this book to really any woman, mom or not. It's such a fascinating story of womanhood, parenting, marriage, friendship and self doubt. So excellent, I can't rave enough about it.
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