A Fighting Chance

Oh boy, I have a couple of great reviews for you this week! I'm going to start with this one, which I bought on a whim through the Bookworm Box shop. It's a signed copy and it was half off so I threw caution to the wind.

A Fighting Chance - Annie Stone

When Mackenzie meets Carter, it’s love at first sight. They have a blissful year together before trouble arrives. In the form of Carter’s two teenage sons.

When Hunter and Carey decide they want to live with their father in California, Mackenzie knows right away that she’s in for a tough time. And she couldn’t be more right.

The two boys show her on a daily basis that she’s not good enough for their dad. In fact, they make it quite clear their lives would be better without her. But could it be that Hunter has quite a different motive for hating her?

Let me start by saying I went from one end of the book loving spectrum to the complete other end during this book. I started it thinking it was going to be weird, that I was going to hate it. By chapter five I wasn't sure if I was even going to finish it or if it was worth finishing. Once I got 3/4 of the way in I was on the edge of my seat because I didn't want it to end. I loved this book THAT much.

It centers around Mackenzie (known as Mac) and Carter, they've been together for a little over a year, she's moved in, and now she's meeting his sons Hunter and Carey. Hunter is 17, Carey is 15, their mom is a drunk so they are visiting their dad for a break. While on that break they tell him they want to live with him permanently, which normally wouldn't be a big deal but it's clear that they hate Mac. They aren't nice to her and actually are aggressive with her. Alarming for Mac, considering she has abuse in her past and works in a domestic abuse advocacy organization, so the fact that she feels like an insecure victim in her own home is alarming for her.

As summer progresses, Carter is gone more and more, forcing Mac to interact with his sons. A lot of things happen over the summer that lead to them bonding, but it soon becomes clear that Hunter wants Mac for his own. It all comes to a head when Hunter decides he is enlisting in the Marines. Carter, in a fit of rage, tosses Hunter out, and Mac follows him because she wants to make things right before Hunter goes.

I won't tell you any more but I will tell you that I've ordered the rest of this series and it should be here Tuesday. I am prepared to literally drop everything in my life to read these. Ha!

I'm giving this one a 4/5 stars and I'm only knocking it down because it was a bit slow. I honestly thought we'd have something major happening sooner in the book, but it was still a great book. The most conflicting part of this book is I found myself actually hoping that Mac (age 25) and Hunter (17) got together. You guys, I KNOW THIS WOULD BE ILLEGAL, so I felt terrible. And then OK with it, then terrible again. It's been a long time since a book has made me feel the full range of emotions, but this did it. Bravo.

Bubbles & Books - LUCAS

So this post is going to be two-fold because I'm going to talk about my first box from Bubbles & Books, and then I'm going to review the book I received in that box. Normally I'm not able to do that but this was a really short book so I finished it in just a few hours so you lucked out!

I heard about Bubbles & Books a few months ago as part of a round up of book subscription boxes and it caught my eye because it's focused on romance novels and instead of crappy swag I just throw out, this box mails bath related goods. In my first box I got a handmade bar of soap, which smells so good, a felt bookmark, a weird sponge thing, and then a perfume sample which was terrible. It was definitely how you would think an old lady would smell. But the book... I wasn't sure what to think about it. This box allows you to choose from three different romance genres: bad boy, paranormal, historical. I went with bad boy because I felt like paranormal can be really hit or miss and historical isn't always my jam. It's not that I won't read them, it just has to be a really interesting sounding story for me to commit. Frankly, there are thousands of books that fall into the bad boy romance so I thought for sure we'd get something amazing so when I saw this I was disappointed. I don't mind that it was only 148 pages, but it's clearly a self-published/indie book and I'm going to be a book snob here... but 75% of the books in that category aren't picked up by a major publisher for a reason. Are there exceptions to that? Yes. Absolutely yes and I've read a bunch of them. I'm saying an overwhelming majority is crap. This basically falls into it.

Lucas - Susan Fisher-Davis

Emily Walters needs help fast. Her ex-husband is being released from prison and Adam swore he’d never let her go. She knows he’ll come for her. Her only choice is one of the bad boys of Dry River, Lucas Taggart. Lucas raised a lot of hell when he was younger and never backed down from anyone. It's what Emily needs in a protector and a husband. She offers him half of her ranch in exchange for protection and marriage. Whispering Pines is one of the largest horse ranches in the States. Would it be enough to entice the brooding man? 

Lucas Taggart isn't interested in marriage but he is interested in Whispering Pines and when he looks into Emily’s eyes, he knows it wouldn't be a hardship being married to her, as long as it's a real marriage. 

When Adam shows up to claim the woman he still thinks of as his wife, will Lucas have to do the unthinkable to protect the woman he's come to love with all his heart? What happens if or when Adam is finally out of the picture? Will Emily still want Lucas around and will she ever return his love?

I'm going to start this review by saying this is 100% not a book I would see on a shelf, read the description, and put in my cart. I only read it because it came in my recent Bubbles & Books subscription. Secondly, this book is listed as "erotic romance" on the title page and I'm telling you it absolutely is not. Well, unless you consider the author insinuating the characters are having sex as filthy, then by all means. I've hardly read a more vanilla standard romance, so if you are going into these 148 pages looking for erotic romance you will be disappointed.

The premise of this book is Emily runs a successful ranch but has an ex-husband in prison set to be released soon. Instead of trusting the authorities to help her (because the ex-husband is just so rich, he buys them all off) she decides the best way to protect herself is to get married to a "bad boy". And by "bad boy", I'm talking a guy who was a little punk as a kid but turned into a decent, law abiding citizen. So she asks Lucas if he'd do this (he's not a total stranger, though- he helped her when she was a kid and fell off a horse but that was years prior and she's harbored a crush on him since, of course) and he agrees.

He AGREES on a damn whim. No, I take that back, he agrees knowing he'd own half of the ranch Emily owns.

Because every decent marriage is based on bribery.

So they get married but Lucas decides he wants it to be a real marriage for all intents and purposes, and Emily agrees, but she's no hussy- she wants to get to know him first before having sex. (Are you rolling your eyes yet? Just wait, it gets better!)

But WAIT, you guys! Ex-husband is out (Adam) and he's crazy as a loon, y'all! He's killing people left and right because nobody is going to take his Emily away! Instead of making his character really despicable and have him being physically abusive or something, turns out Adam is just mildly verbally abusive but basically a misogynistic pig. Emily is terrified of him though, hence Lucas. Lucas is a bad ass though, so he's going to save everyone.

I won't ruin it for you but know there's a happy ever after. But can I just talk about something that drove me NUTS when I was reading it? These people take a shit ton of naps. I have chronic fatigue, I understand being tired ALL of the time but this is over the top. Emily has a conversation, needs to lay down. She did payroll, need to lay down. Adam calls, need to lay down. Also, for someone who describes herself as self sufficient, she relies on Lucas a LOT. She can't even take one of her 375 naps without him. It's just too much. This entire book was laughably terrible. I don't even want to donate this book anywhere, I honestly want to toss it in the trash.

The Goal

I had a lot of feelings going into this book, but it was so good that I honest to god hope there are more. I know- I'm that person who doesn't think everything should be a series, but I really love Elle Kennedy's writing and I love this series. I hate to see it end.

The Goal (Off-Campus 4) - Elle Kennedy 

She’s good at achieving her goals…

College senior Sabrina James has her whole future planned out: graduate from college, kick butt in law school, and land a high-paying job at a cutthroat firm. Her path to escaping her shameful past certainly doesn’t include a gorgeous hockey player who believes in love at first sight. One night of sizzling heat and surprising tenderness is all she’s willing to give John Tucker, but sometimes, one night is all it takes for your entire life to change.

But the game just got a whole lot more complicated...

Tucker believes being a team player is as important as being the star. On the ice, he’s fine staying out of the spotlight, but when it comes to becoming a daddy at the age of twenty-two, he refuses to be a bench warmer. It doesn’t hurt that the soon-to-be mother of his child is beautiful, whip-smart, and keeps him on his toes. The problem is, Sabrina’s heart is locked up tight, and the fiery brunette is too stubborn to accept his help. If he wants a life with the woman of his dreams, he’ll have to convince her that some goals can only be made with an assist.

I am just going to get picky and say this cover here? LOVE IT. The new cover featured below? Strongly don't like them. They aren't eye catching at all and the original covers should have stayed. I have three of the hot covers and now this one and ugh.. I hate it. Anyways.

OK! So this is an interesting book because though it is a stand alone, it's so much sweeter if you read the entire series in order because this book features the other guys and their gals quite a bit, I thought. It's John Tucker (goes by Tucker) and Sabrina's story, and if you have read the other books you know that Sabrina is a the bitch on campus. She's smart and knows it. She's gorgeous and she's bitchy. Just by looking at her you would assume "mean girl" but you'd be wrong. Turns out, Sabrina has a pretty awful home life. She lives with her grandma and stepfather, her mom up and left years ago. Stepfather is a disgusting pig who kind of leers at her all of the time and is almost always drunk. Grandma has no backbone, but is sleeping with the stepfather, and is kind mean to Sabrina. She drives an hour each way to campus and she excels at everything so she can get out of her situation. She avoids relationships partly because she doesn't have time for them but also she doesn't think she's deserving of anything good.

Enter Tucker. He's a good guy. He's maybe the best guy out of the bunch of them and he falls for Sabrina fast. He knows that patience is a virtue and that Sabrina needs to be handled with kid gloves... so he does. He's maybe the most patient male character you will ever find in any book because holy hell. It's well over a YEAR before she says she loves him and that's through a pregnancy.

Yup- Sabrina, fresh on the heels of being accepted into Harvard Law School, finds herself pregnant. It was the first encounter between her and Tucker and accidents happen, birth control fails, but she's devastated. She has to decide to keep it or not but she also wants to lean and depend on Tucker.. but is convinced by doing so she'll drive him away and he will end up resenting her. She's convinced she is ruining his life. Tucker sees it all differently- he's in love with her, ready to move to the next level or two with her, and wants nothing more than to be a dad.

The book is full of miscommunication and I actually kind of liked Sabrina. I really identified with her though I will say that I expected her to come around MUCH faster than she did. It was almost too much and I was getting a little annoyed with her myself. Overall? I really liked this one. I've really enjoyed this entire series, but if this really is the end, it went out on a good note. All of the characters are matured, ready to graduate college, and all go their own way. It feels like a fitting conclusion. But I'm going to just mention book 5 would be fantastic, and we could focus on Fitz's character. Just throwing that out there.

   

Dear Professor

This is one of the books I bought from the Bookworm Box shop and I bought it solely for the cover. Obviously.

Dear Professor - Blair Drake

Dear Professor,

Does it bother you that you’re ten years older than me?

Have you ever thought it’s wrong that you watched me fuck another guy on camera for months?

What do you want from me, really? All I wanted was my letter of recommendation, but now I’m stuck, aren’t I? Stuck under your thumb… And your body.

From cam girl to personal whore, and all by the age of twenty-one. You’ve got me good, haven’t you?

But guess what? I can play too. Grab the polish, because I’ve found your skeleton, and it's time to dust.

I’ll see you in class.

Oh and, Sir? I’m not wearing any panties.

Love, Darcy

P.s. you’re an asshole.

Aside from the fact this went through a shoddy editing process (lots of minor grammatical errors throughout), I kind of loved this book. I know it's getting just under 4 stars on Goodreads and normally that would be my cue to go to the next book but the cover was good so my gut was telling me to stick with it and I'm glad that I did.

Darcy is a senior in college who excels at all of her classes. Notably so. Her dream is to go to Harvard Law School and in order to apply she needs a letter of recommendation from all of her professors. Not an issue for them, they are happy to recommend her, but Professor Jordan Keaton isn't so quick.

Jordan is a bit of a pompous asshole. He knows he's good looking, but he's also highly intelligent, aloof, and nobody really knows the story with him. Jordan knows Darcy's secret though- she's a cam girl. She does live video of her masturbating, having sex with other partners, pretty much anything a viewer wants in exchange for money. It's how she is paying her way through college and potentially Harvard. As it turns out, Jordan is her number one fan and Darcy is horrified to find out he's the one behind the mysterious user name. Even more shocking is Jordan's ultimatum- either Darcy becomes his personal whore (basically) for the next six weeks OR he tells the college what she's doing on the side, kissing her chances at Harvard goodbye. In exchange, he'll write her the much needed recommendation letter.

Obviously she has no choice or other option, so she signs on the dotted line and that is how their very hot, very push and pull relationship begins. We find out why Darcy isn't looking for love, why Jordan is the way he is, will the college find out about their arrangement, and what happens when the two of them come together?

Overall? I'm actually giving this 4.5 stars. I know, it's pretty high and a lot of people are going to read this story and do a major eye roll. I liked it because it's reminiscent of Fifty Shades of Grey, but also Sylvia Day's Crossfire Series because we have the highly dominant male, in a position of power, and the seemingly dainty woman who turns out to be a spitfire capable to breaking through to the guy. It's a recipe for success and women like this story line for a reason- we all think we're capable of changing a man, aren't we? I flew through this in a day and I couldn't put it down. I kind of wish there was a bit more in the end, but overall I'm more than thrilled that this is not the start of a series, it's a one and done. THANK YOU for not turning this into a series. I'm so tired of authors doing that.

Finally!! Some good news. And cream.

So you may remember back in September I went to Rheumatology for the first time and I felt like this doctor was nice but clearly thought I was crazy. She did a bunch of blood work which showed I'm fully out of whack and nothing makes sense.

No shocker there.

The most alarming thing was finding out that I might have antiphospholipid syndrome, which is a clotting disorder that's rare but dangerous. I checked off two of the three boxes, "significant event" (my AFE) and then a wonky blood test. The procedure is to wait approximately 12 weeks and test again, if you get two positives- ding ding ding- you are a clotting disaster waiting to happen. I have been on EDGE the last 12 weeks because that kind of thing is scary. On the other hand, I was kind of hoping I did have that because then I could maybe have a reason for my AFE and I wouldn't feel like I was a ticking time bomb. I've said this entire year that I'm not scared of a diagnosis, I'd rather know what is (good, bad, or ugly) because if I have a defined problem, I can fix it... or at least cope with it. The fear is walking around thinking I've got some other problem we don't know about, just waiting for another perfect storm to take me out like my AFE.

And maybe that doesn't seem rational or make any kind of sense to you, but it does to me.

This week I went back to rheumatology for a follow up and talk about my next step in regards to the Plaquenil that I'm apparently allergic to. I got a totally different feel from my doctor this time and I feel like she doesn't think I'm nuts, and that like all of my other doctors, she's intrigued by me because I'm a puzzle. I'm rare, I'm complicated, and nothing conventional really works because I have enough wrong with me that it changes things.

I'm a guinea pig everyone loves, basically. The class pet everyone is fighting over.

We do my exam, she orders a bunch of lab work, and decides my next stop is going to be Methotrexate and a Folic Acid supplement. I've heard a mixed bag of experiences with this so I'm worried, but I also want to feel better so that's winning over right now. I agree to give it a whirl and head over to the lab.

The lab is a nightmare. It's busy but my experience is that they move pretty quick so I wasn't worried. An hour into my wait I was starting to get worried. They finally call me back and I'm told they've got a student and am I OK with that? Oh sure. I'm fully supportive of students getting hands on experience so I can't remember ever turning them down. So as I'm sitting down I saw all of these vials on her counter and I said, "Wow- I'm glad I'm not that person!" and she looks confused, asks me to confirm my last name and date of birth and then says, "Oh these are for you! It won't be too bad."

Guys? It was 15 vials. FIFTEEN. My previous most was 12 I think, but 15? Good GOD.

Approximately six vials in she informs me that my vein has decided to stop all together. Nothing was working and after calling over the actual lab person for help, that person decided to just do my other arm because she didn't insert it correctly. Super. So she gets the other nine vials with no problem and did it really fast. I felt bad because it was almost 4 when I was leaving and there was still a room full of people waiting to be helped. Yikes.

But fast forward to my results!! You guys? I do NOT HAVE antiphospholipid syndrome! Woo Hoo!! I'm so excited to not have a "thing", you can't even imagine! On the other hand I'm a little disappointed I don't have to thing to point to and say, "maybe this is why I had an AFE!", but it's OK. That means I don't need more medication, and I can always get on board for that. Relief.

Oh but all good news has to be countered, right? So at my physical this month I spent a lot of time talking with my doctor about Mayo Clinic's suggestion for my estrogen replacement. They recommend I use an estrogen patch, progesterone supplement (to help maybe minimize the cancer risk of the patch), and then an estrogen cream because it's an added boost for your vagina and all of that.

She agrees I need to be on something and that this would be the route to go if I want to minimize migraines and daily headaches (I do), but there aren't a lot of studies that look at the long term effect of using such estrogen replacements at this age (35). Most studies focus on women in their 50's and beyond and it's "pretty safe". I'm taking a risk going this route at age 35, but the consequences of not replacing estrogen are pretty concrete and serious. So I decided I would do the replacements, hope for the best and never miss or put off a cancer screening, monitor my side effects carefully, and hope for the best.

Gulp.

Naturally, I had Matt pick up my prescriptions and I knew that the estrogen patches were going to be expensive. Those are around $82. My progesterone was around $60 (and that's SUPER important for me to take with all of this, absolutely NO missed doses) and I was surprised by that cost.

But the vagina cream? It's a tube of cream, you guys. It's not anything fancy.

$418!!! Can you even believe this?! It's like a tube of toothpaste and I need one gram twice a week. But this tube is $418!!!!! I can't even wrap my head around this.

I know what you're saying- "Sara, that's the retail price, what is it with insurance??". You guys, I pay 100% of my prescriptions until I hit my deductible, which is $4500 for me alone. So right now my monthly fee for prescriptions has exceeded $900 and that's assuming I don't refill everything. (Some stuff I don't use all of it in a month like my nausea pills and my migraine medicine, and the stuff I take to be alert and awake.) I will be paying almost more than my MORTGAGE for medications.

The hilarious part about all of this is that I used to laugh so hard at those commercials about dry and delicate vaginas because of menopause. Don't laugh, lambs. Dry and delicate vaginas are really horrible and you don't want to deal. Imagine a hundred tiny paper cuts in your vagina. It's like that. Brutal. This cream better make it like brand new for this price. Dang.

I guess the plus side is that now I have every hormone replacement taken care of. It's taken a year and it's not perfect, but it's something.

Break Me

I can't remember when it was but I ordered a couple of books from The Bookworm Box store, they offer various titles signed by the author for purchase. They were on sale and I figured I'd just grab a few shorter ones so I can play catch up with my Goodreads goal. This was one of them.

Break Me (TBX #1) - Ashley Christin

Returning back for the spring semester of college, Brealynn and her best friend, Kelsey, are ready to start a new chapter. 

After the loss of their mother, Pro BMX rider Colt Taylor and his brother, Parker, hope to rebuild their lives by concentrating on competitions. 

One night brings them together.

One night shatters it all.

Can they survive the break?

I guess the best way for me to start my review for this is buying telling you I have zero interest in the sequel, Kelsey and Parker's story. If you know me at all, you know that I am a sucker for a series and even when I'm not in love with a book, I will force myself through it and this is one of the very few times when I can say... I don't really care if I read the part two. Yikes.

The book centers around Brealynn, fresh off of a break up with high school boyfriend who turned out to be a complete douchebag, and Cole, a playboy BMX pro-rider, fresh from his mother's death. Unlikely duo but you know what happens- good girl hooks up with bad boy, both have terrible communication issues, she's a general moron, and he believes you can never ever love someone without it going to shit.

Sigh.

We've read this story so many times, haven't we? Change out the names and his career/hobby/whatever it is, and it could be any basic self published romance novel out there. My overall opinion is that it isn't well written. My friend Shirley (who has almost the same opinion I do on most books) said the dialogue is ridiculous and far fetched, and she's right. None of this is stuff you would say in real life. Would a girl ever say, "Breathe me in" in reference to letting her into his heart as he's pushing his penis into her vagina? No. No that would never happen, and if she did I would strongly suggest that guy run like hell and change his phone number. No normal girl will say that. Also, would a guy suggest a girl move in after what, a handful of weeks? No. Clinger alert! CLINGER ALERT!

At best I'm giving this one 2/5 stars. I didn't like Brealynn's character at all- she goes from clueless, insecure, bitchy and unreasonable all over the place. If I were Cole I'd honestly wonder if she was stable. Cole is better, but his hang up on his dad being a jerk thus making him incapable of loving a woman is bizarre and I wish authors would give this reasoning up. STOP IT. There are so many other reasons a person would be hung up on falling in love, use them.

Sigh.

I will say it's a rather fast read, but only because you're busy waiting for something exciting to happen.

Check available storage space.

One of the most annoying messages I get on my stupid phone is the "check available storage" meaning my phone storage is full. Which, I don't understand it because I have less than 20 pictures, all my music is in the stupid cloud and I have hardly any apps.

Sigh. A problem for another day.

But it reminds me of how my brain works differently now. For the last year I have heard countless times that I only have so much working memory, so much space to put stuff into because once that's full, I'll start forgetting things. It's my brain's way of making room for new stuff, but it doesn't differentiate between stuff I need to keep and just useless stuff. I will be the first to tell you I am my harshest critic, I give myself no slack, no grace, and if you could hear the things I say to myself when I hit a road block- you would cry yourself to sleep.

Nobody, and I mean nobody, can put me down better than I can. I have done it for years, I am an absolute professional when it comes to being cruel to myself. I know my flaws before you do. I know my short comings, every reason I am a terrible person, daughter, wife, mom, friend, neighbor, etc. I can list a hundred things I should be doing better because frankly, there is no excuse not to. Brain injury? Stop being a baby. Physical limitations? You're being a pussy. You died? Yeah, everyone dies. BIG DEAL.

Trust me, I am far harder on myself than I should be, but it's the one thing that's remain the same. The only thing that makes me feel like me. It makes me feel like there's at least one thing that hasn't changed, that hasn't failed me.

I know it's messed up. I can't help it.

I've found that my inner voice is now coming out to people who don't deserve it. Well, I suppose sometimes they do and I've always tampered it down but that filter is fully gone now. I'm rude because my anxiety is through the roof and I just want to hurry up and get out of there as fast as I possibly can and go home. Then I get here and I wish I could leave because I feel like my spirit is dying more and more every day.

But the biggest thing I've noticed is my inability to give a damn. People tell me stories, things happening, whatever and I used to be able to care. Really care. I would think about what I could do to help, or how I could ease the burden for my friend, I'd bank the information so I can use it later as a random act of kindness. I could fake it better than any actress and it was OK because it made people feel good that someone was listening to them.

I can't do any of that anymore.

More than once I've had to tell people "Please stop talking. Really. I'm not listening, I don't care, I can't fill my head up with this crap.". I really don't mean to be rude, it feels like an act of self preservation at this point. I'm trying so hard to get my memory to improve, losing valuable information every day is terrifying. I want to be social but a lot of times I really can't. I just can't do it.

Cue feelings of guilt and anger, the internal voice describing all of the way I'm awful, and my depression deepens. I'm faking it every day. I'm trying really hard to keep it together. I'm grateful, I just can't keep everything afloat. I feel like I'm drowning for the sake of keeping everything else out of the water.

Honestly, I don't know if this is going to get better. I'm not hopeful. I'm doing the therapy. I'm taking the medications. I'm going to all of my appointments. I'm doing everything I need to be doing. It feels like it's all for nothing.