Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Dear Uterus: RIP

Awhile back I talked about Matt's decision that he wanted no more babies. (I would link back to this but I have been ask to remove said post..more on that in a future post..) I say it's Matt's decision because if we're being truthful, I would like to have more babies. Which is really weird because for as long as I can remember I was always the person who wanted two babies, one girl, one boy. And that's exactly what I got.

Funny how things work out.
Now Jackson was conceived at a really bad time in my life and in our marriage. No doubt about that. And I suffered with post partum depression with Olivia and that is something I wish on nobody. But I have found that I have really become a better person since becoming a mommy. For one, I'm more organized and anal then ever before. I revel in making lists and keeping other people in line so this naturally is the best job for me.
But Matt wants no more and I have to respect that. It hurts me and it's hard. I would be lying if I said there are some moments, when I'm all alone, that I don't go into Jackson's room and sit in the rocking chair and cry. Because I am going to miss it. I miss everything about a baby.
And I can say that because FOR THE RECORD...I can count on one hand how many times I have ever gotten up in the middle of the night for either baby for feedings. Seriously. Matt is a very good guy in the regards that he knows exactly what I need to function and not kill others: at least 12 hours of sleep. Anything less and I cannot be held accountable for my actions.
Matt also cleans up puke and poop explosions. He handles spit up (although, to my credit, I did do that with Jackson) and when they spit out their food when they decide they don't like it. Matt has an iron stomach for these things whereas me....I'll puke if I see someone puke or even smell something that even remotely reminds me of puke. I'm a pussy. Whatever. At least I'm honest.
But about 2 or 3 weeks ago I had to bitch slap my uterus who went into overdrive when I saw a mom with a new baby. The cry? BREAK MY HEART I love it. I can handle the screaming, piercing cry of a newborn. So longs as they don't puke or shit themselves where it comes out of the diaper. Then I hand it off. But I have boobies that babies LOVE. Seriously. My boobs can put any baby to sleep. When Olivia was in a toddler class I used to revel in the mom's who brought babies in. They'd be dealing a toddler in the bathroom and I would totally take their crying baby and just rock it. To get my fix.
Babies = crack
So I had to make the decision to rid the house of baby stuff. So I threw out all of the bottles. Granted, Jackson hasn't used a bottle in 16 months so the fact I have been hiding them in the back of the microwave cart says something.
And we took down the crib and bought Jackson his big boy bed. I can't lie- I cried. I cried like a bitch for a good hour. And Matt just took it down like his freedom depended on it. Jackson was thrilled and Olivia loved the temporary chaos and mess. But there I am...crying.

But obviously- Jackson loves his big boy bed.

I bought him car/truck bedding and we put the bed rail up. I took down all of the Classic Winnie the Pooh wall stickers and art down. I took everything baby out of his room and all things big boy are in there. When you walk into the door- this is what you first see: And then if you look to the left- here's the rest. His room is very small. He's getting a new lamp, new cd player/radio, and some artwork Jamie is going to do for us. (Side note- no rush, Jamie! I'm not quite finished deciding if I like where the furniture is yet!!)
And of course, I left the rocking chair in there. It sits next to the window that overlooks our back yard. I can't get rid of that quite yet..
Jackson is super in love with his car rug thing. A friend of ours gave this to us and Jackson loves it. He really likes cars, but his current fav are "diggers" which is basically any kind of construction vehicle.

But I'm sad. My baby is now two years old. My oldest baby is going to be five. I have friends who said they just know when they are done. And I know very much so that the thought of being officially done is heart breaking. Not only was I lucky enough to have a husband who did midnight feedings (and didn't even wake me up once), I had two fabulous pregnancies. I enjoyed every minute of being pregnant. I actually enjoyed both of my labor and deliveries. It's like my body was meant to be a baby making machine.

I already told Matt that if I ever got the opportunity- I would most definitely be a surrogate mother for someone. Getting paid, obviously. I just really liked being pregnant. I really liked being in labor and feeling my body basically rip apart. That's weird, isn't it? I didn't like ripping/tearing from front to back but that heals. (After approximately 14 weeks for me, coincidentally) OK and I didn't like the feeling of my milk coming in or drying up. Drying up is way worse. It's the equivalent of two solid rock masses strapped to your chest that sporadically shoot liquid. Or leak without cause. They are like a kick stand on a bike if you lay on your side. It's awful. But after a few weeks that goes away too.

Plus, it's absolutely undeniable. We make cute babies, if nothing else.


Kelly said...

aww..i totally sympathize.. :( tear rolling down my cheek, i'm sorry, it takes me back because this really did ruin my marriage, had we been stronger as a couple it may not have ruined us. it's a natural instinct for us women, men just don't get it. my ex was too selfish to even try to understand.

Unknown said...

My husband is done with having more babies as well. He only ever wanted two, and the fact that I had twins the second time around sealed the deal for him. Some days I am ok with it; some days I am not. I'm holding out putting the twins in big kids beds, mainly because I want them to still be my babies. Well that, and I need some place to confine the "terrors". ;)

Anonymous said...

So....what you are saying is that you are going to have a baby do me?

Haha...no, really, I do feel sad for you; and jealous for the two beautiful kiddies you have.

Damn, they are cute!!

Jill said...

I'm sorry, that must be really hard for you :/
That's really thoughtful of you to be a surrogate for a couple that can't have kids themselves.
The thought of being pregant scares me!

no said...

That's so sad. I had a little tear. Husband says he wants two children, maybe three. I say five.

And we haven't even started yet, lol.

I'm with you on the pussy thing. Can't stand people being sick.

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

That's got to be really hard Sara =-( I can't imagine. D and I have always kind of said that we both want 2 kids (a boy and a girl) because we both come from 2 kid families. It just makes sense to us.

But if one or the other of us wanted another I think that'd be a hard thing to deal with.

Miranda said...

Oh my heavens... I cannot even come close to knowing how you are feeling right now.

Just know that I heart you to pieces and am here if you need anything. I'm kind of an awesome friend so do hit me up if you ever need to chat or meet in Chicago :)

Alpha Za said...

I have a masterstroke. Open up a day care!

Seriously. You'll be around babies all day!

Another David said...

Sara, you're going to be the worst empty-nester ever, hahaha. You might want to look into hiring a midget.