Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The Vagueness Ends- Part Three: Life and death

We've talked about my beliefs, and my view on friendship.

So tonight we're going to talk about life and death. Although you know that at any given moment you can die nobody ever really lives like that. (Again- hit "play" to enhance this post)

Death Cab for Cutie summed it up best with the first line of their song "What Sarah Said" which easily enough is one of my favorite songs of all time.

"And it came to me then, that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time"

We all know that we should live like we're dying and go through life without regrets. I have many regrets that I know will never correct themselves while other regrets I know over time will get better.

But during an especially awful week for me and having been slapped in the face by idiots who assume they know me....I had an equally awful ending. At approximately 7:30 in the evening of May 13 my mom informed me that my step dad (who has been more of a father than my sperm donor of a biological dad could ever be to me) had a heart attack. My step dad works has always worked his ass off to provided for our family and has gone without so that we could want for nothing. He is an over the road truck driver. It is a lonely life. He is gone a lot and although we miss him dearly when he is gone we know it's because he's working to provide better for the family. But one of the worst fears that my mom, brother and I have always had is that something would happen to him and we'd never know. Luckily my dad has a built in GPS in his head and can get you anywhere you want in the continental US with a few simple directions without consulting a map. He is not your typical truck driver- he's in shape and he's healthy.

So he's in his truck, at a truck stop, and getting ready for sleep. Then it happens- the heart attack. Fortunately he had the wherewith all to call 911. Fortunately they got to him fast enough. Fortunately he is close enough to one of the top 100 heart hospitals in the country and he is only 6-7 hours from home. My mom and grandparents travel down that night while I stay up waiting to hear from someone about what is happening.

And while I wait- it hits me.

I'm done. I can't continue living my life for other people. I give 110% to my job and I'm not appreciated. I'm subjected to gossip and high school drama and it's not worth it. They can live their lives like this and pretend to be my friend but really- I'm above this. My life is meant to be more. I didn't bust my ass through school to deal with this. I have been through worse times than this and frankly- I'm done with their bullshit.

I'm also done being friends with people who were never really my friends. I need to be more present with my family and be a better friend to the friends that love me. I need to get Lenny a new blanket to hump because his other one is yucky. I need to learn how to mow a lawn. I need get up each and every day and be thankful for all of the awesome stuff and people I have in my life.

I need to be happy. If I continue on the path I was on I'm going to die young and unhappy. I'm not going to be any better than the very people who made me this way. I was a fun, outgoing, positive, happy person before them and god dammit all- I'm going to be that way from now on. I'm sick of planning my entire life around them and what their needs are. My needs aren't being met. So fuck them.

Thankfully- my dad survived. And I appreciate that so much more now because I realized how many kids lose their parents to heart attacks. Even though the recovery is going to be hard and there are a lot of things I'm not mentioning here that make our family situation a hardship- I know that we'll make it. We always do. And I am happy to know that my dad has a second chance. Not just for my own selfish reasons am I glad he's still with us, but for my kids. They love him to pieces and they would have been devastated.

But it wasn't just him that had a second chance. His heart attack was a wake up call to us all. It was like all of the little signs I ignored and all of the gut feelings I had but waved off were all trumped by this. THIS was the big sign. This was my wake up call that what I was enduring was not right, they were wrong, and that my life path has to change. For my own health.

So tomorrow night is the final night of this week long journey (for you at least) and all will be revealed. ;)


Jennifer Kay said...

My dad has had two heart attacks and I am sometimes overcome with the fear that he is going to die at any's scary to see your parents vulnerable. I like your attitude, screw all those who don't belong in your circle of happiness, life is so unbelievably short.

Shanel said...

girl I am so glad that your dad survive...this post made me think about my own life and the people in it... you're right life is too short and we can't wait til it's too late before we realize what we need to change.... I really felt this post... glad your dad is on the way to recovery and you're on the way to a new and better life.

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

Sara, everything you say rings so true with me. Seriously... you know what I've been through, between losing my job and losing friends. And although some of that (okay, all of it) was not fun AT ALL I've told myself that it all happened for a reason and it was just fate telling me it's time to get my butt in gear and move the hell on.

It sounds like you're heading down a really great road. And all this thought you're putting into it makes me really proud to know you (soon to be in real life, hehe).

Danielle said...

I have missed so much!!! I got on today for the first time since last Thursday only for you to make me weep like a little baby! I'm so sorry Sara. Oddly enough, it sometimes takes something like this for us to prioritize and realize that while we hope that life is long, it's not forever. Therefore, cut those assholes out of your life that don't deserve you. Be happy. Everyday. Sometimes it's hard, and I struggle with the same thing ... it's so easy to get lost in the negatives of life, but at the same time there is no point in wasting anymore time on things that you can't change and people who don't deserve you in their life. You've been an awesome friend to me and we've never even met. I'm jealous of the people who are lucky enough to have you in their everyday life and take it for granted. Get rid of them. If I could have a friend like you close by, the days would go by much much easier. Keep your head up as hard as it is! If you need anything e-mail me! I think I gave you my phone number at one point?? Text or call if you need ANYTHING, no matter the time! :) I'm here for you girly! xoxo

Kelly said...

so glad he survived it..yes, you will make it :) xo

Sara said...

I am so glad he survived and is on the road to recovery. Scary stuff.

My dad was an over the road driver for 25 years. It is hard when they are out driving missing so much at home. Truckers have a special place in my heart.

Your blog has been so insightful. I love it when people go deep. Keeps it all real. (((BIG HUGS)))

SpiritPhoenix said...

So glad to hear your Dad is doing better. Ugh. Such a horrible thing to have to go through. But at least it's a wake up call.

Sounds like you had a really rough and soul searching week so far. I'm hoping that you get to have some levity soon.

Julie H said...

So I'm guessing that you are quitting your job

to be a stripper because that's WAY more fun

Sorry to hear about your step dad. TG he's ok! Scott refuses to take his blood pressure medicine and I just pray that one day he doesn't keel over while driving and kill someone (and himself)

Anonymous said...

I amso glad your father survived. I would have been devastated for you and shared in your pain if he hadn't.

I am glad you found your strength. I know you will do the right thing. And as you said in a previous post, whatever you decide, I will support because that is what friends (bloggy ones or otherwise) do.

Gini said...

Oh my gosh! I'm so glad he's recovering! Sending good vibes and hugs to all of you. What a horribly frightening experience...but I'm glad it's touched you in a positive way to make good change in your life. You deserve to be happy. Make it happen.

Unknown said...

I'm glad that your dad is ok. It's so scary to thinka about losing a parent - it can really put things into perspective.

allena said...

So sorry to hear about your dad... But so relieved he's ok. And how awesome that you've used this experience to turn it into something to better you. I know things will work out. Again- I <3 U!!

Another David said...

Just now getting to this one because I'm trying to read them all in order.

I'm glad to hear your father's OK. We all need a wake up call every once in a while. It's a shame that is has to be so drastic, but sometimes that's what it takes, I guess. Anyhoo, onto the next one...

Another David said...

Wait, now I remember what I wanted to say instead of that rambly bullplop...

"If I am not for myself, then who will be?" - Hillel

That is all.