Sunday, October 31, 2010

Because it's not a good time without assholes.

Yea.. I know. I KNOW I was supposed to get this post out there yesterday but I didn't. Because, and this might shock you, I actually have a life outside of blogging. No- I'm not crazy, just stating the facts homeboys.

(True story: My brother in law came over, then my brother returned my Tucker Max book AND movie. And then I had to watch the movie. I love Tucker Max.)

Anyways. So when Krysten and I went to the Maroon 5 concert the other night we encountered our share of assholes around us. It just wouldn't be the same.

This lady was in the row below us with her son, who was maybe 10 or 12. Maybe. He was so tired that he actually fell asleep during the opening bands and we felt bad for him. Especially when we noticed that mom was getting drunk and didn't even have the decency to at least get him some water. Oh- but she got him some Mike & Ike's, but wouldn't let him hold the box. We weren't sure if she was expecting him to drive home or what but she was in no shape to drive. And at some point they got up during the Maroon 5 set and never came back. So either it was for sure bed time or she was lost and stumbling around somewhere. *Parent of the Year*
 Do you see that woman? She's wearing a fucking beret. If you are going to be walking around with a god damn beret on your head in 2010, at least make it a raspberry beret. I'm serious. Actually- her whole group of friends were like straight out of 1991-1998 or so and were each sporting a terrible fad. Sad balls.
 Oh yes.... the lovers. These people were directly in front of us and she could NOT stop rubbing his back/head/neck/etc. It was ok at first but after almost two hours it was kind of creepy and weird. And then they'd nuzzle and yeah. I told Krysten if the girl was going to start a hand job I was just going to say something. Because at that point, the 10 or 12 year old from the first picture was right next to them.
 Oh yes- the ridiculously obnoxious guys! Holy crap they would not shut up. Not at all. They talked through the whole damn thing. They would talk and talk then laugh super loud and be doing their drunk thing and then talk and talk. It was really distracting. And it just begs, why bother coming if you aren't even going to pay attention and enjoy the show??
But probably the most offensive thing from the whole night was the asshole next to me. Of course I get to sit next to them. Oh yes, the best of the best always are right next to me.

So the guy was with his girlfriend, no big deal. And about 10 minutes after they sit down I realize they speak no English. Which, whatever. I'm cool. I just can't really be your friend if I can't understand a damn thing you're saying. But once the openers start it becomes pretty damn obvious that they are making fun of both Ry Cummings and One Republic. Which, I guess if you don't like them I get it, but why fucking ruin it for me? Ya know? I don't like that. And I can listen to a lot of shit but eventually it becomes irritating. But when One Republic came on, Krysten and I were super excited, singing along, dancing, cheering, everything normal people do at concerts. And the guy? Fucking elbows me.

Oh, no he didn't. That fucker did not just do that.

Oh...but he did. So I did what an self respecting chick would do. I not only bumped into him causing his girl to tip her drink a bit but I also accidentally kicked him in the back of the leg.

Thankfully- he didn't elbow me any more because I wasn't in the mood to step it up. Which I would have because I'm not taking shit for a concert ticket I paid for. It's like- if you hate everything about being here, please don't come and kill it for those of us who are there to have fun. Whores.

Anyways. When Maroon 5 started is when he started his silent and non violent assault. That's right people- the guy had gas like you wouldn't believe. And I'm sorry- but I just can't compete. About three songs in I believe I told Krysten that I've got a problem. She's thinking this is kind of funny but I'm not kidding folks- my eyes were watering. It was like his bowels were rotting from the inside out it was so bad. And it just got progressively worse and worse. By the end I could barely even look to the stage because my lungs were protesting. It was just really bad.

So I had to endure it because there wasn't much choice. But you better believe that when he left? I tripped him. I stuck my foot behind me but in front of his. Fucker.

But it seems like I always get stuck by either people with obvious hygiene issue or general assholes. I just don't understand why you would even pay for a concert ticket if you are going to be a sourpuss. Or if you hate the band- why the hell are you even there? *I just don't get it*

OK lambwhores/goatsluts. It's Halloween and I want you all to be safe but have a shit load of fun. Get drunk and eat candy. I'm staying at home to pass candy out to the little punks in my 'hood. I'm not dressing up per say, but when I ventured out this afternoon someone asked me what my costume was and I just told them I was a desperate housewife. I'm pretty sure they were confused and weren't sure if I was serious enough. Matt is taking the kidlets out trick or treating and I told him to hit the house up with the popcorn balls twice because those are my favorite. The highlight will be rummaging through their bags for my favorites. :)


Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

It was so weird that everyone in front of us ended up not staying for the show. I mean... why would you pay for tickets if you aren't going to stay? I don't get it.

I just hope that mother got her son home safe. Yikes.

Just Plain Tired said...

Bummer on the asshole convergence upon you. And a drunk mother w/her kid... loserly loser.

Jennifer Kay said...

Shut the front door! I laughed so much at this post that my hubby had to walk over to inspect. What a farting ass jerk. Dude, he totally had you though. What a night!

Ruth said...

My daughter would kill to see One Republic. Why would anyone make fun of them? Idiots.

And my favorite part of trick or treat was always going through the bag at the end of the night. I miss that. Cause now I just have to go buy my own candy.

Helena said...

I would have "accidentally" poured my drink all over that guy.

Annah said...

He elbowed you? That little focker. HOW *DARE* he?!

And sorry boo, but I like berets. In fact I love all hats. Don't judge beyotch!

Lost said...

What douche-nozzles. I hate people who ruin it for others. Why even go?

I had a similar experience on Friday. Was at a show, front row, standing against the barrier. This huge guy was wasted and literally leaning all over me, pretty much hugging me - his hands on the barrier in-front of me. I pushed back into him, HARD, and he lost his grip on the railing and fell back. I then turned around and said 'I don't fuckin' like that'. He got the message =D And I was quite proud as he was like twice my size and I'm not really the confrontational type. But there was no way that I was going to let him ruin it for me!

Anonymous said...

Sorry.....a gas assault? Fucking brilliant. It wasn't my husband, was it, because he is the KING of the gas assault.

I didn't dress up either. When my husband asked me wha I was dressed up as, I told him I was a bitch.

He agreed.


Julie H said...

I know my daughter has went to concerts before to see the opening act people and left before the main event. Those are usually the cheap lots of band concerts though (like 5 in one place).

Just be glad you could leave all those people there and don't have to work with them or live with them!

Jean Has Been Shopping said...

No wonder the assholes got their own post!
What'd the guy do? Crap his pants? Holy shit... literally.

Ang said...

trying to catch up on reader (i think i follow too many blogs) - anyways... so sorry you had to deal with that and resort to violence just to enjoy yourself... you should have jumped in the mother/son seats when they left, the love birds next door wouldn't have cared and the smell would have been behind you, so youda been able to breathe and see. Oh time! At least you gots stories girl!

Another David said...

"Because it's not a good time without assholes."

That's what she said.