Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Old Navy, My Ass, Curves and Rapists.

I'm going to be all over the place with this post because I can. Around midnight I realized I forgot to tell you about me vs. Old Navy. SHAMEFUL.

As you know, on Friday I went to the Anberlin concert and didn't get home until 12:30ish. But I didn't actually get into bed until around 2 because I have a compulsive need to put everything away, go through my mail, feed the cats, wipe down the already clean counters, etc. But I knew I wanted to get up in time for the Old Navy sale that started at 7 am. Because hi- fleece vests for only $5? YES FUCKING WAY. I decide the most efficient way to do this was to go to bed in my clothes; thus saving myself a step in the morning. Genius.

And this is what I was looking like in the morning, at approximately 6:15. Yup- makeup caked on still and my clothes were smelling like a bar. Fantastic.
I drive the 20 minutes to Old Navy and I'm the first one there. SCORE. I walk up to the door, without a jacket because I'm super smart and prepared, and realize hey- it's really fucking cold and windy. This sucks. Another lady has now joined me and we are wondering why the doors are locked. We see that Old Navy is open, two cashiers are in there, but we can't get into the mall. After trying to bang on the door with no luck we decided to drive around to every entrance. Yup- they were all locked. So at 7:15 I decide to call Matt and make him get me the phone number. He gets it, I call and have this gem of a convo.

Me: Hi- are you open?
Girl: YES! We are having a big sale!
Me: Super. I'm actually outside of the door to the mall and yeah, it's locked.
Girl: No, it most certainly isn't.
Me: Well, I'm actually yanking on the door and nothing is opening.
Girl: You're at the wrong door then.
Me: Is it the one by your store?
Girl: Obviously!
Me: Yeah- I'm standing right here. In fact, if you turn around- you can see me, trying to open the door while being almost blown over by winds.
Girl: I see you!!
Me: Greeeat. Can you open the door?
Girl: No, I don't know how.
Me: Are you serious? Because I find that hard to believe.
Girl: Hey! I bet that's what this key is for!
Me: Hey! I bet it is!
Girl: Should I come and like..unlock it?
Me: Probably. Seeing how you've been opened for almost 30 minutes
Girl: That explains why I haven't had any customers!
Me: That's what I'm thinking.

So she takes her time to open the door. And by "take her time" I mean like 5 minutes of me showing her hand gestures through glass how to open a door. *sigh* Anyways. I got two vests and was happy. I went home...went back to bed. In my same clothes.
Another random thing- so I bought a pair of khakis like two weeks ago. I've worn them a few times but could not for the life of me figure out why it was scratching me on my lower back. ANNOYING. Until Sunday- when I did laundry. And noticed that I've not noticed a bag with a button attached to my pants. *mystery solved*

Speaking of pants, I bought a new pair of jeans. I'm kind of feeling fattish again so I need to get back on the fuckmill. I mean, seriously- I have no excuse other than the fact pepperoni pizza rolls have been on sale and yeah. I like those a lot. So here's my new jeans (I almost typed out jew neans... haha) and you'll notice that I'm still curvy in the back. Yay for ba-donk-a-donk! And my boobs grew. Boo to boobs growing.
 But look! Are you loving my $3 shirt?? I freaking love it. I got that at Old Navy too. And this is me, this morning, sans makeup and not doing a damn thing with my hair. Some days I just can't be bothered. And when I have a cute outfit to make up for it, it's ok. Anyways. I'm still going to keep up with my weight loss because I've done so good you know? I started up at Curves this week and it's a struggle, yo. If you haven't read about my previous visits to Curves, you need to go HERE and catch up. But this week when I've gone, I've had the awkward run in with an ex-coworker and then today? A lady who's boobs were sagging so much that her nipple was in perfect alignment with her belly button. I seriously couldn't help BUT stare because I have never seen that in real life. Tv? Sure. Real life? No. It scared the hell out of me. So dear readers- if my boobies look like they are trying to visit my vagina- SAY SOMETHING TO ME. But the whole time I'm trying to think- would you even really need a bra? I mean, if you got a lifting one you'd probably take a person out if you turned around too quick, ya know? Like how would you drive? I mean, obviously your seat would have to be back, but what if you had short legs? You'd have to ride the bus. But then your boobs would be sticking out in the aisle and people would have to literally brush against your boobs to get off. And that could just be awkward and possibly dicey. Anyways. Her boobs is what made my 30 minutes fly by. So I guess that was ok.
 OH! Oh my fooking god! I forgot to show you my new shirt!!
Seriously-- If this means nothing to you, then you were living in a fucking hole all summer. Seriously- go HERE to see the amazingness behind this shirt. I mean, it's kind of making a joke out of raping, but still. My favorite line: "And hide your husband cuz they're rapin' everyone out here". Oh man... good stuff. So you be jealous of my awesome shirt. I already wore it once to Target and this lady whispered to her husband, "What do you think is up with her shirt? It's kind of messed up." SUCCESS.


Jennifer Kay said...

Love the shirt, love the ba-donk-a-donk...you are doing so good girl, keep it up! You inspirational devil you.

Jon Hanson said...

Ha! love that shirt.. I knew exactly what it was right away but hadn't seen the video in a month or two. Gave me an excuse to go back and check it out again.


____j said...

I love your little 'what if' rant about the saggy boobs! HAHA And, I can't believe you have that shirt! Now everytime anyone thinks of Alabama, they think of him. *sigh*

Anonymous said...

yay for badonkadonk! i wish i had oneeee. i just have gigantic boobies. it sucks.

as for your inquiry into driving, my momma has super gigantic boobs - like, enormousness. she's 5'2, and has super short tiny stubby legs. she sits closer to the steering wheel than i do, her 5'6 daughter with smaller (but not small) boobs and drives ok. not sure if hers are large enough to qualify for your inquiry, but yes it is possible. it seems so darn uncomfy though.

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

SARA! OH MY GOD your shirt in the last pic! I love you! Seriously LOVE you.

And where did you get those jeans? They're cute!

Can't wait to see you Thursday! I have to pee in a cup before I meet you for dinner. Hopefully my system will be drug free ;-)

AmberLaShell said...

1st, I love that shirt because the video was so effing funny.
2nd, You have some nice junk in your truck
3rd, I just love stupid people, don't you?

great post! amberlashell.com

Chicken said...

The flower shirt is cute, but damn I want the hide yo wife, hide yo kids shirt. They raping everybody!

Unknown said...

ah I <3 antoine. I got to meet him, he's super sweet.

how much does your curves membership cost? each time I try to get a number out of them they're all 'oh come in blah blah', when all i want is a friggin ball park figure.

Jandy xx said...

you are looking sooooo good Hun, you should be really proud... matts lucky i live over seas!

Shirley said...

Love that shirt! How did you lose your weight? Is there a post about it somewhere?

Annah said...

Hide yo' wife, hide yo' kids. LMAO! Ay baby :) Thank you so much for putting a smile on my face this morning. Me and my coffee LOVE YOU right now. Baahhahahaha. Har har har. I love it.

Also.... I felt like I was outside of Old Navy with you, freezing my ass off. You're looking hot missy!

asj said...

hilarity all around. looking good in those jeans AND I too fear saggy boobs one day... oh well.

Jean Has Been Shopping said...

OMG, the visual of the big boob lady on the bus! You had me in stitches!
Love your new clothing, your stories, and your hour-glass figure.

Danielle said...

Oh my gosh, I love fucking love love love the shirt!!! I want one!!!!! That video cracks me the "f" up!!! I love to watch that video!!! This really made my morning!!! Where in the world did you find it?!?! I have to have one! lol

By the way, your ass looks great ... just sayin! lol

Ang said...

lol to the dumb ON employee! what a moron.

LOVE the new shirts though :)

Helena said...

Antoine Dodson is coming to Pittsburgh this weekend! But that halloween party is SOLD OUT.

I identified with every single thing in this post. But especially the "holy shit my boobs grew again" part. That's my life.

crazy ramblings of a tired mom said...

Funny as hell, I wish my boobs would grow again. Cute jeans too!

Kevin Michael said...

Yay to boobs and badonk-a-donk! As a guy, they are the greatest things ever, and bigger is better. =)

Beverly said...

Love the shirt but hate to know this guy is representing the dirty south :) By the way...Nice ASS! You go girl!

Julie H said...

Going to have to research the tshirt. I must live under a rock haha

Totally cracking up on the boobs thing. My mom has big ones and is losing a bunch of weight and I couldn't stop looking at them the other day thinking she could probably fold them up and stick them in a smaller bra ;)

Anonymous said...

OMG!!! That is the best fucking shirt in the world (Antoine)!!!

Oh, and you look hot chicka. Makes me wanna be all lesbo, but yeah....that's not happening.

Another David said...

I'm not much of a fashion guy, but I love those fleece vests. They're great for wearing under a jacket when I don't want to get too hot but the jacket would look weird without another layer under it (I have two jackets like that. Ugh.) Anyway, I went to Old Navy when they had that 50% off all outerwear sale, but by that point all the $5 vests were ugly as hell. So I would up with a p-coat that I've needed for a long time (another jacket that needs another layer under it or it looks weird) and a pair of skinny jeans.

I'm just going to be honest here, my ass looks awesome in skinny jeans. Yeah, I said it. You're welcome, internet.