Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Funny, Fail, and Observations

So today my big project was to get the kids' picture taken with Santa. Sure, we did that last night, but it's not really Christmas unless you get suckered into buying $27 worth of pictures from the mall.

Plus, it's tradition and I try not to fuck with it.

Olivia told this Santa she wanted a "variety of purses with jewelry in them" and Jackson wants a kite. Um yeah. Neither of them are getting any of that. But what was funny was Jackson. He's a total fucking ham and I love it. ESPECIALLY when Matt drinks all of the milk and doesn't tell me so the kids end up having Kool Aid with their breakfast because I'm not dragging all of us to the gas station 3 blocks away in the snow to get a gallon of milk that is easily $3 more than at the grocery store.

The lady told the kids to put their hands in their lap and while Olivia can do it nice and casual, Jackson is making damn sure his are in his lap. They she told them to smile and she took three pictures. In hindsight, I should have gotten the one with his face all squinched up. She was telling Olivia to smile big but Jackson took direction like a pro and was really hamming it up. But yeah. There they are in all their cuteness.
 Olivia loves her sweater dress especially when I started telling her all the cool things you can wear it with. Then Jackson was so pumped to have a new button up shirt. I bought the outfits separately and am a little bummed it's not the same shade of red.. but oh well. Both kids look cute. These are their outfits for when we get their pictures done in January.

I forgot to mention our Ghetto Christmas 2010 update. The six foot Santa who appeared to be drunk and masturbating (he had a mechanical arm and while slumped over it really looked like he was trying to jerk one out) has died. R.I.P. Santa. Matt says he has to kick him to get him up and it's only for a few minutes. At least our Ghetto Christmas 2010 theme is going strong.
And tonight I went to the grocery store. I made it out of there with $107 spent BECAUSE a lot of stuff I use a lot was on sale. So I got a bunch of green peppers (2 for $.88!), hamburger ($2.69/lb for the 97% lean!!) and a ton of the gravy I use for stews and stuff. Yeah. I did good.

But while there I realize that Superior is a really disgusting place. I mean, I'm walking through and there are a lot of really dirty people. All of them are buying beer, chips, pickles, ketchup and haven't showered in days. Really? How 'bout you put the pickles back and wash your pickle? Because you kind of stink. Meaning, I can smell you from the other aisle. And it's pretty fucking gross.

Then there were these women who seriously- need to step away from the Aqua Net. The tall bangs haven't been in since what? Mid 80's? Maybe late 80's? Let's try a new trend. But they have their huge hair and blue eyeshadow and their nails are all different lengths with chipped polish and gross. Please stop picking through the fucking produce with your nasty fucking hands. Your fingernails? Shouldn't be yellow. You need to see a doctor about that.

But the topper? The fucking icing on the cake? Was the 6'3 super obese guy, wearing a shirt that was easily three sizes too small, he's filthy, he has a cart full of sausage, pork, fish in a clear tub, beer, mustard, and Doritos. He has fat rolls hanging out of his shirt (and the skin is visibly very dirty with something smeared on it), he's wearing sweatpants with a huge stain on the ass which I get a full view of when he bends over and in the process rams his cart into me. And then?? THEN? He starts coughing. Oh does he cough. He coughs hard enough that I felt spittle hit my face. Keep in mind- he's behind me. There is his cart AND my cart (since I'm standing in front of my cart loading the conveyor belt) between us. Yet... I feel spittle. Then I look at my bag of grapes. I have one in the line of fire, another on the belt already. I ended up bagging the contaminated grapes separately and throwing them away. He may have had tuberculosis or something. And I think they are supposed to be in lock down or something. I don't know. But I'm sick enough as it is and I don't want whatever he has. Maybe he's a hoarder and infected with some super mold germ and is dying by coughing out bits of lung onto other people's grapes. I don't know. Even the cashier muttered, "I hate my fucking job." Girl- I'm with you. I'd hate that too. Because you KNOW he's going to pay with cash and it'll be all gross and full of germs. She might die. Sad day.

That was my night so far and it's only 7:15.


Prettylittlereckless said...

Earlier this year I worked at a bank as a teller part time in the mornings before my regular job.... I thought since it was a bank that there would be clean people and esp since I worked downtown smack in the middle of all the professional buildings. No. The most disgusting people came in. One lady was sick and coughing and smelled. She started coughing so much I literally thought she was going to throw up all over the counter. Not to mention, her coughs smelled. Yes, I could smell the sickness. I am slightly germaphobic and I was 99% sure I was going to gag and throw up myself. My coworkers all asked if I was ok (literally every worker was starring at this happening) and Jamie was already in front of my counter with wipes wiping everything down. (shudder) That was by far the worst experience I've ever had. It even beats out any encounter I had while I worked at McDonalds.

So I hear ya.

AmberLaShell said...

wow, i'm glad i wasn't there... Gross,, i think i'm going to go puke now... :)
AmberLaShell's Naughty Nights

Jennifer Kay said...

Oh my God dude, I almost fucking died reading that last paragraph. You dumb ass you said he had "sausage AND pork in his cart.

What do you think he smeared on his fat love handle? I secretly think you were eyeballing him.

Actuary Mom said...

I think you need to start going to a new grocery store. GROSS!

Shirley said...

I want to hop a plane right now and go to your grocery store just to see these weird fucks.

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

Ew, how do you find these people!?

In other news, the kids look freaking ADORABLE!

Dana said...

Cute pic of your kids and Santa. And, where the hell do you shop?!

Annah said...

Ew, dude! What the heck?!?!

On another note... Your children. BEAUTIFUL.

middle child said...

Ok. So not only do I never want to set foot in a supermarket ever again,...but I feel like I should throw out at least half of what I just bought! Eeeeewwwww!

Too bad you don't know me. I HAVE kites. I HAVE an abundance of purses AND jewelry. My Grand daughter are into other things. Your kids would think I'm cool!

The Mrs. said...


I live in the midwest and I've seen some sick fucking shit....I mean--SICK. FUCKING. SHIT. And never have I experienced the terrors you have just described....I started shuddering at 'something smeared on it..'

It's time to consider other grocery stores.

MeredithDuck said...

Isn't it horrible when you're grocery shopping and someone in the aisle smells so bad that the thought of eating ever again makes you want to puke? Something in that statement makes me feel kind of bad...but its so true!

Kattrina said...

That is just gross. I shop at a nice grocery store with only clean people. I probably pay for those clean people though - I would bet I pay 50% more for food than you do just because my grocery store in nicer. I'm picky though so I don't like to go to the cheap grocery stores for that reason exactly. And I'm snobby because I like all that organic stuff and there is usually no organic food at the cheaper stores. So, instead of new clothes I just buy organic apples... Priorities - right.

Also, adorable Santa photo of the kids. You can't beat the annual Santa photo - it's the best!

Little J said...

I think I just threw up. I used to live in a town where we had the gourmet grocery store, and the regular Tom Thumb. After 1 trip to the Tom Thumb, surrounded by all the gross, dirty, obese people, I never went back. Good call on throwing out the grapes!

Chicken said...

OMG that picture is so cute! I love Jackson's awkward hands.

P.S. I think your Santa was a victim of a hit and run. All you need is to spill some red food coloring around the body and you have a real ghetto Christmas.

Lorraine said...

How you had the stomach to actually buy ANY food is beyond me. Ewwwww.

Cute kids though! The hands bit made me giggle.


Ang said...

ummm ... SUPER cute pic of the kiddos!

ps - don't you have a camera phone? If not, save and invest in one... for us.. your loyal readers!