Friday, December 24, 2010

You might be drunk on egg nog... but it's Dear Sara time!

Evening lambwhores! Yes- it's Christmas Eve so I hope that if you celebrate today you are getting mighty sloshed on egg nog right now and if you celebrate tomorrow that you aren't because otherwise you'll be throwing up instead of partying.

Anyways- it's Dear Sara time bitches! This week? You people sent only a few questions. You better step this shit up for next week.

1. I know you've answered a question about online dating, but honestly (and desperately) I've tried that. I'm a 20 year old college student - not old enough to go to bars/out to meet guys.. which is my dilemma. I see advice on blogs and online magazines/newspapers on "How to Meet Awesome Frat Party Dudes!!" - yeah, two things. 1- I know those frat guys (I'm in a sorority), they're gross and I wouldn't consider going near them and their STD infested penises and 2- all of the advice is crap and is nothing anyone should use in real life. Do you have any non-general/bullshit advice that might actually work to find a half decent man? Honestly, it's getting really depressing to not have a sex life(not like I want freaky-18-partners-at-a-time-sex or anything.. but I am considering buying from the sex shop you posted about). Please help! My first piece of advice is going to be to not find a douche in a bar. I don't know if you're familiar with Tucker Max but if you aren't- you need to get yourself is books and read up. Because that? Is what you are going to find 99% of the time. You're right- frat party dudes are mostly disgusting and disease infested. Avoid them. So basically.... my advice would be a few things:
  • Be yourself. Seriously. It sounds basic but it's actually really hard. Just because a hot guy is like, "Yeah.. I really like Beastie Boys" don't pipe up with, "Me too!" and then go home and download every Beastie Boy song so you know how to cover the lie you just made. Seriously. If you think they suck- say it and say why. I have found that every time I have ever tried to get a person to like me... they don't. But if I'm my regular ol' self which is generally mouthy, bitchy, inappropriate, and swears a lot... I make friends and attract guys without knowing.
  • Be confident in who you are, what you look like, and how you carry yourself. If you think you look fat and have the "I feel fat" theme running through your head? You're going to come off as fat. If you think, "I'm curvy with some extra chunk but I'm extra fucking fine" then that is what you'll portray. Fake the confidence if you have to.
  • This does not mean dressing like a slut is going to add points. Don't dress like a slut. Dress nice and make sure it flatters you.
  • Be extra friendly. I don't mean start grinding on a guy at Starbucks, but say hello, compliment his jacket/shirt/whatever (only if you actually like it) and try to get a conversation going. Smile at strangers. People are automatically attracted to people who look happy and like their life fucking rocks better than anyone elses.
  • Do not be afraid to approach a guy. It's not like he's a rabid beaver. He's a guy, he probably hates having to approach girls, so just be friendly.
  • Know what your type is. I can't stress this out. If you like guys that are artsy/poetry loving/etc--- go to places they'll be. If you are into a musician type guy--- go to local shows and stuff. If you like a guy who is smart and reads- Barnes & Noble is your new hangout spot.
2. Have you ever thought about doing a vlog?  Reading is cool and all, but I'd like to hear it straight from the horses mouth once to get the full effect. Yes. I have thought about doing a vlog. I need a camera first and foremost. We'll find out if Matt really reads my blog as often as he said he does if I get a web cam for Christmas. (Matt- if you're reading- all stores are closed now. If there isn't one under the tree? Epic fucking fail. But you can make it up with a fainting goat family. XOXO, Your Wife) I also know next to nothing about video editing and all of that shiz so it's coming. Even if I don't get a camera fox Christmas it's on my shopping list in January. So.... stay tuned to have your world fucking blown.

3. Are you regular? If we're being honest, I don't know what they mean by regular. So here are some scenarios:
  • My period comes every 28 days on the button. I will always get my period at 10:00 am on the day it is due. It has never swayed and it's weird. It last approximately seven days and I think that's regular, though I'm not really sure.
  • I poop every day. I think. Wait. No, I take that back because I haven't today. So I guess I'm not regular there. But to my credit I haven't had a lot of fiber recently. Whoops.
  • I consider myself to be a regular person with bizarre situations that happen frequently. I don't know why and I don't know how I make more of them happen.

4. Do you actually have sex toys and use them?? Yes. I absolutely do and I am always open to trying new things. As long as they aren't really crazy and bizarre. Or that may result in a trip to the emergency room because I don't think my health insurance covers that.

5. Do you like tuna? Um... yes? Are we talking about the probably-isn't-real-but-we-pretend-it-is tuna that comes in those cans? Yeah, I'll eat that. With only a little bit of mayo. It's the only time mayo will get to my mouth. And I have to eat it on white bread with lettuce. What a weird fucking question.

Ok lambies. That's it for this evening. I still have a few things to wrap, I have a ton of stuff to clean, and I'm exhausted. We did Christmas with my in-laws and the kids had a good time. Matt and I got a gift card to buy more laundry sink supplies (praise Jeebus), I got a cool quilted picture to put near my entrance way, some movies and the best thing?? Well... I'll tell you about that another time. HA! The kids got some cool stuff- Jackson got lego's and a Thomas the Train set and he was THRILLED. Olivia got a scrapbook kit and an Easy Bake Oven. Um.. thanks, Uncle Karl. But on the bright side, I have Matt's lunches figured out. HAHAHA!! So here's our little family picture. Aw..

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Until tomorrow.


Annah said...

I've been meaning to ask you.

What is a lamb whore? Because I always imagine a lamb dressed really slutty when you say that.

Also... I didn't read this yet but, your Christmas red sweater is rocking it and your children, once again, are beeeeautiful. You did well.

Oilfield Trash said...

I love the Q&A stuff.

Merry Christmas. You have a cute family.

Lady Grey said...

Merry Christmas Sara to you and the family... the pic is cute...I hope you get that camera, a vlog would be awesome!

Unknown said...

That is a great family picture. Merry Christmas.

Jean Has Been Shopping said...

Merry Christmas.
Good to know, excellent advice.

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

Ew, dating frat boys? Gross. As is meeting guys in bars. I would do neither. Ick.

Ang said...

LMAO! what a funny post!

Cute family pic Sara!!!

kimberrleigh said...

Great answers! :) They're pretty helpful/informative ;)

Merry (late) Christmas! <3