Monday, January 17, 2011

And sometimes a little tinkle turns into a flood.

First off, enter my GIVEAWAY if you haven't yet.

Second off, some of you who are friends with my on Facebook are aware that Jackson, at the ripe age of 2 1/2 is becoming a man. Well, kind of. We initiated him into the wonderful world that is a toilet.

If anyone remembers our ordeal with Olivia, the girl who refuses to be wrong, (which is not like me at ALL, *ahem*) you'll realize why I was a little nervous. Even at age 4 Olivia will still holding poop and then literally exploding only after giving her enemas. (Seriously, if you need advice on Miralax, enemas, suppositories or how to use a qtip to guide out poop... I'm your girl.) It took us TWO YEARS to get her potty trained without accidents. And I was determined it was not going to be that way with Jackson.

Mostly because I didn't think my patience threshold was going to be that great.

Aside from having to dole out discipline appropriately (more on that another day) the worst part of parenting a toddler is hands down potty training. You take it for granted as an adult. Seriously. For those of you who aren't parents of a toddler try putting into words what the sensation of knowing when to go pee or poop is. Try it.

It's hard, yo.

But over the Christmas holidays it became apparent that Jackson was more than ready. The obvious hint came on Christmas Day when I saw him trying to change his own pullup. Yeah. We were ready. So the following Monday I pulled out the potty seat, a bag of suckers, and I had way more caffeine than I should have. (That's actually required so that when they do go in the potty you can be overly enthusiastic about pee, or poop if you're lucky, and motivate them to do it again.)

We started first thing in the morning and he seemed good to go. Except that by 3pm we had only had one accident and no pee anywhere else. I had fears of this child holding in urine and poop. I seriously couldn't go down this road again. I just couldn't.

Day two was pee accidents GALORE. My carpet smelled like a men's urinal pretty much that entire day. I think I even cried at one point. I do remember telling Jackson he could have Popsicles for lunch if he just peed in the potty. It never happened but I was peed on several times throughout the day rushing him to the potty. He was subsequently banned from furniture. And then I banned Olivia for laughing.

Day three- no mistakes. Folks, something happened overnight. I don't know if it was the amount of tears I shed and him just feeling sorry for me or what, but from day three on we haven't had any pee accidents. AND day three also brought us poop in the potty. Which is just as disgusting as a diaper, but maybe more so since his poop is sticky and so I have to use a wipe to get it out. Yup- it's more disgusting in the potty seat. Fail.

But the biggest hurdle has been public bathrooms. I think that he is maybe still traumatized from The Poop Incident and maybe that's our problem. Maybe. But two weekends ago we were at lunch and I braved out into the world without a pullup. Or extra pants. (Fuck off- I'm out of practice hauling kid shit in my purse. Believe me- I'm back into practice now.) So Matt takes him to the men's room only to return 30 seconds later with a red faced and teary Jackson. Matt tells me Jackson lost his shit (not literally, thank god) when he went in there. Matt's downfall as a parent is that he has no finesse. He can't talk children into things like I can. So I take Jackson in with me. He's freaking out until I show him this is a flush toilet, not the automatic. I realize how disgusting it is for me to touch it with my hand, but the boy needs to learn to pee in public. I get him on the toilet, I'm kneeling on the floor that hasn't been cleaned in months and he's like, "I'm peeing!" Funny, because I hear nothing. But then.. oh yes..

I feel the warmth on my crotch. I realize that the problem with little boys is that their little penis is short. So they don't totally bend down. And that you have to actually hold it down. I say to Jackson, "Honey, you have to tuck your pee pee down" to which he replies, "I do, it just keeps flipping out." AND cue hysterical laughter. And I almost dropped Jackson into the toilet. BUT I didn't.

But Matt DID laugh at me when he saw my piss stained pants.

Cue us to Friday at toddler class. I told Jackson literally a 100 times to tell the teacher if you have to potty. The procedure is that they walk the kid down to the parent room and the parent takes them to the potty. Totally fine. I tried two times with Jackson before class. Nothing. He's terrified of the auto flush thing. I draped my sweater over the sensor and he still wasn't having it.

We separate and I'm chillin in the parent class. Then I see Jackson coming with the teacher. He starts telling me he has to pee and we literally run to the bathroom. I get him in there and YET AGAIN I get pissed on, this time my shirt. Jackson also peed all over his underwear/pants because I couldn't get him on there fast enough. So now we both smell. Fortunately, I had a change of pants/underwear for him in my purse but he was so upset that he peed on me. I said it was ok, good job for telling teacher, etc. I walked him back to class which he loudly says, "I peed on mommy!!!"


So the moral of this story is that I need a fold up potty seat with the little pee dome protector thingie. Otherwise I'm going to continue smelling like pee. And I thought for sure I wouldn't have that problem until my 70's. At least.


prettylittlereckless said...

lmao....... I don't even know what to say. Thanks for the laugh today lady. :)

Anonymous said...

LOL...Wow, I've never given it much thought but potty training is "hard yo"..Stay strong. Love your bloG

Lisa said...

That was hilarious reading! I don't even have kids (just a godson and I'm sure I'll share in the pee-fun when he gets to be that age) but you had me rolling reading this.

Enjoyed it and hope that the pee-fest gets tamer every day!


Oilfield Trash said...

Potty training is one thing I don't miss about my kids early lives.

Danielle said...

I am DREADING this!! Good for you actually venturing out of your house with him though because I? Can't picture myself leaving the house with him until he's done! I can't even deal with minor meltdowns let alone a pee or poop incident! Not to mention, I'm just like Matt - I have no finesse with children and making them do anything. I'm just not on their level so I'll say dumb shit that they won't care about. My rewards will not be interesting to them at all, and yeah ...

Hope you don't get peed on anymore! :(

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

You realize you're scaring me from having kids, right?

Zoƫ said...

you're hilarious. I was actually laughing til my eyes watered and had to read excerpts out to my boyfriend who said "just wait til he gets his first hard on"

I also appreciate that you tagged this "poop".

AmberLaShell said...

well i have to tell you. I do not have any children, but I was 14 when my brother was born and I helped with the diapers, and the potty training. first, I got peed on alot changing diapers, but when he was potty training, i do remember him having to hold down his pecker.

Also, the line "I do, it just keeps flipping out" was freaking funny! hahaha

Anonymous said...

I am speechless. I haven't thought about potty training that much but I can say now that I am not looking forward to it. Thanks for the laugh; let's just hope I'm still laughing when I have to go through this :D

middle child said...

"I do. It just keeps flipping out!" I could not read beyond that because of the tears of laughter.

Canadianbloggergirl said...

OMG I'm so ever greatful to you for the laugh this morning. We are potty training our daughter and she is completely stubborn. She is still messing in her pant (peeing) after 5 weeks of toilet training. We have yet to have her poop on the toilet. She waits for her diaper to be put on just before bed to poop!

What is a pee dome thing? Can you tell I have a girl? lol


Shirley said...

Oh I hated potty training! I think that's why I didn't have more kids!

Ang said...

LMFAO! literally - my ass has fallen off from laughing.

I just figured it out Sara, the reason I came across your blog in the first place is so that you could remind me weekly why I don't want kids!

Thank you.

Unknown said...

This will be me next month. But with twins. I get heart palpitations just thinking about it.

Mrs.Mayhem said...

Potty training sucks. At least you make it *sound* funny!

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

DS1 fought me every step of the way, so much so he apparently stretched out his intestines & we are still dealing with after effects at age 8.

DS2 must have decided to take pity on me because one day he just decided to use the potty. The end.

They both still have terrible aim half the time but I think it is because they are not paying attention to what they are doing. And there is nothing odder that shouting "Pay attention to your penis" at a boy you only 10 minutes earlier told "get your hand off your penis"

Nikolett said...

I literally LOL'ed at "it keeps flipping out" ... ahh, I am bookmarking this for when I have children and have to deal with the potty training. The Sims makes it look so easy haha. You are a true champion, in my eyes, for wanting to conquer the hurdle of potty training.

Lorraine said...

Seriously. I just mentally subtitled this, "Why I'm not ready to have kids yet." Maybe I should keep a list and #1 should be smelling like pee.

Good luck with the training!


Cheryl Wilms said...

OMFG......I can't stop laughing. My business partner sent me to this article because of an experience I just recently had with my 2 1/2 yr old and I would have such an interesting coffee date if we ever had one. So.....empathy all around. I can TOTALLY relate. Thank you for the laugh and for knowing I'm not alone in this motherhood journey.

deannaburasco said...

Great post Sara! SO glad we are past that phase!