Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Danger, danger ranger!

Guess what? I'm not sick anymore. I know! I only have a head cold but shit- that's better than what I had going on Monday and Tuesday so I'll take it lovers!

The downside to being sick the last two days is that I missed out on super fantastic weather. Like spring weather in FEBRUARY. Folks, that shit just isn't normal. It was in the mid 40's and although I couldn't be outside to enjoy that, I did get angry because the sun was all shining up in my eyes when all I wanted to do was sleep and die.

But today?

It was in the mid 50's. You know that is clearly a sign that Mother Nature is going to be on my side this year. I just know it. At least this week she is. So I did what any fat ass, music lover does when you suddenly get the insane thought that maybe, JUST MAYBE spring will come again and free me from the cold dungeon that is Wisconsin for like 7 months of the year.

I went for a walk outside, with my iPod. I wore my light spring jacket, no gloves, sweatpants, my super comfy shoes, and rocked out to my barely charged iPod for two miles.

Homie-oats? It was mah-velous.

But it wasn't all fun and games and singing much too loudly, though I'm sure my neighbors in the ghetto 'burbs missed it. No. It was full of danger.

Danger such as a fuck ton of ice. Now, something you skinny people should note, is that us with a few extra pounds are not stable on ice. Actually, I'm pretty fucking clumsy on dry land, but on ice I'm no good. I'm like a buffalo on ice. It's not pretty and when I go down everyone in a three block radius is going to know about it. Fortunately, I did not fall while on my walk. (That last sentence is key- keep reading).
And then it's not just regular safety (aka: I might break my ankle) kind of danger. Oh no. There is also the I-may-throw-up kind of danger. Especially when you realize a large amount of the snow looks like poop water. You know what I'm talking about- like when you clog a toilet and INSTANTLY all the water turns brown? Yeah. That's what the ghetto burbs are looking like up in here right now.
 Oh- remember how last summer I did a post about graffiti? I would link to it, but let's be honest.. I'm feeling kind of lazy. Well there is NEW graffiti! I feel like those animals in that movie Over the Hedge when they come out after hibernation. All the new things to see! Anyways. I thought the picture looked like a rabbit humping a person? Am I wrong? I mean, really? Is that the new thing? Do we have rabbits just randomly humping people? Jesus. And then I know I mentioned in that post I kept seeing "Scab" and "Scars" spray painted everywhere. Well whoever they Scars are-- they've gone pirate! They are so gangsta by adding that extra R. I mean, dang. They aren't afraid of people humping rabbits AND they speak Pirate. Word.
 Oh, and then not only does every thing smell like dog poop but it is EVERY WHERE. Look. This is one pile. But believe me, there was a lot more.
Can I just say to the dog owners of the world? Clean up your dog's shit. Please. Just because it snows does not mean it will magically disappear. Or disintegrate. Because guess what? Freezing something preserves it. I know from first hand experience this is not the way to tackle your dog's massive poops. Back in the day.. when my parents let my brother and I have a dog, we had a dog named Willie. Willie pooped a lot. Willie had no manners, jumped on people, and tackled my brother and ripped his boots and socks off in the winter. But god damn it if he wasn't adorable. But our job was always to clean up Willie's poop and I'm just not much of a poop person and my brother isn't much of a clean-anything type of person. So we trained Willie to poop on the side of the house thinking that, if you can't see it... it doesn't exist. This goes on all winter. He poops, it snows, our problem is solved.

Until spring.

That spring my parents forced us to go out into what Travis and I have dubbed "Poop Alley" and clean the entire 4 feet by 2 feet strip of yard. It was MOUNDS of poop in various forms of gross. We had shovels and garbage cans. Yes, CANS, plural. After about ten minutes we demanded masks and all we got were the useless painter masks which did nothing to cover the smell. I remember throwing up at least once, dry heaving and gagging for most of the time and crying. In fact, I think we both cried. And then it was a lot of "Shut up! You need to scoop just as much as me or I'm telling mom!" yelling going back and forth. I think it took us an entire day. It was horrible.

So yeah. Spring is coming and my PTSD memories of Poop Alley will be in full effect soon enough. But until then, any day it's a reasonable temperature... I'm going out walking. I said it on my Facebook today that few things make me as happy as walking outside jamming to Manchester Orchestra's Mean Everything to Nothing cd. And it's true. If I had to pick 5 things I want to do.. that is one of them. Consequently, when I walk in the fall I prefer to listen to Death Cab for Cutie's Plans album. Specifically the song "Summer Skin". If you have never heard either of these- hit play on my playlist and rock out.

As a reminder- email me your questions (any and all baby!) to sarastrand9438(at)hotmail(dot)com. I only have one (sad!) for this week- so get them to me before Friday morning. Have a life issue? Friend problem? Vagina problem? Let me know. I'll do my best. ;)


Anonymous said...

whoohooo! yay for walking outside and it being 50!

nay to the poop though. that's just gross.

Unknown said...

Hot damn, you're feeling better!! & yes that tag totally looks like a rabbit humping a bubble pirate person. Kinky old graffiti people anyway.

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

Yeah I don't get why people can't be bothered to clean up after their dogs. It's kind of obnoxious. And gross.

I'm hoping I get cut quickly tomorrow so I can enjoy the nice day!

Anonymous said...

50 degrees is warm?

UGH! I am glad I don't live that far up in the US. I am happy as a clam with the 73 it got to today/

But of course, that means it is going to be 115 by August, so I will be screaming "THE HEAT, THE HEAT....MY GOD THE HEAT" in no time.

Oh, and Poop Alley, made me queasy with laughter.

Unknown said...

Poor poop filled day. It was 44 in Idaho yesterday, and sunny. Know what I did? I washed the car. First time since November and it needed some lovin. The neighbors looked at me funny...

Oilfield Trash said...

Congrats on not being sick anymore.

I am glad Spring is there and you can walk outside.

Sorry about the dog shit. But it could be worse, the dog could have chased you and then sniffed your crotch.

Remember it is all about perspectives.

Julie H said...

Another good reason to not move where it snows :)

Bitchzilla On the Loose said...

Poopy dog's poopy owners!! :P
I hate them. They ruin my shoes. I have eyes but they are for different purpose and not for looking at a dog's poop.

Btw, congrats on not being sick anymore. :)

Bitchzilla on The loose.

Ang said...

"I'm like a buffalo on ice." Where do you come up with this shit?! LOL
It's a GREAT visual :)

yuck about poop alley... that sounds fucking disgusting.
...and I agree that people need to clean up after their dogs. Shit bothers me so much.

Organic Meatbag said...

Oh, I've got questions for you, lady...lots and lots and lots o' questions...heheheh

Chicken said...

Looking at that last picture you found your stool. Now bag it and set it on your bar...problem solved!