Wednesday, March 16, 2011

When reading something makes you think about stuff.

I was going to post this for tomorrow, but because I haven't had the time (not the energy) to take pictures of birthday stuff for my post, I'm going to switch it up. And it actually works out because tomorrow will be my LAST post about birthday stuff (for at a year-ish) and it'll be when I announce the winners of my giveaway.

What giveaway? Oh yeah- that super duper awesome Sara's-Favorite-Things Giveaway that you should have entered because you want to be cool. If you haven't (we'll point and mock you) you can still do so. But today is the last day. Swearsies.

Anyways. So next Tuesday I am supposed to put this book review up for The Map of True Places by Brunonia Barry and I will. But the book got me thinking and I didn't want to put my observations in with the review because then it gets LONG and I have a feeling the majority of my readers maybe have ADD. And that's ok. So I'm splitting it up. But I will say that I encourage you to come back and read the review because.. while I'm not totally finished with the book (will be in about 20 minutes or so after finishing this post) it's going to be good.

The book is basically about relationships and how a person goes with the ebb and flow of a normal relationship's course and then what happens when major events change them. So, you have a woman who witnessed her mother die from a suicide, maybe or maybe not because of the father's relationship with another man. But then from that her life makes it hard for her to be emotionally connected with people. Then you have other people who are no longer friends because of a mistake/misjudgment/error of another and who are never able to look past that and move on. So, that is kind of a quick snippet of the book without really giving too much away.

It makes me wonder.. why do people hold grudges? I mean, really, what's to gain from it? The person you're angry at likely doesn't even care or know why you are angry with them- and you're left being angry for no reason. What's the point? You see so often that people who have a history of failed relationships (either family, friend, or romantic) who just keep doing the same thing over and over again blaming other people for the failing of that relationship. Wouldn't a normal person eventually say, "Hey... maybe it's me? Maybe I'm the one to blame?" It's confusing to me how people who have so few friends, or so few close family members, are always quick to blame others when really, it was probably them. It was probably them all along.

So then I was watching Dr. Phil reruns. Because, judge me all you want, I like the damn show. I may not always agree, but these people need help. Anyways. Well this lady brings her family on the show because they favor the older sister or whatever and she's sick of it. Yet, while she's talking about this, it's pretty clear that she's a selfish, whining, baby who just starts drama all the time. No WONDER her parents didn't invite her on the vacation. (Except that IS kind of cold. But after seeing her on the show for 10 minutes I didn't want to hear her voice any more either.) So essentially, she's making a "her or me" argument just because she doesn't get her way, or people don't agree with her drama making gossip, or whatever she's doing. That's crazy.

I remember when I was younger I got into a fight with my friend. And it was over something stupid, I used too much of her hairspray. And she was REALLY mad at me. Of course, I thought she was mad about something else and I remember talking to my mom and being really mad that my friend was really mad. So my mom was like, "So.. why don't you just apologize? Maybe if you just said you were sorry and were sincere, it'd be ok." Clearly my mom was crazy. But I did anyways because hello- I needed a group to sit with at lunch. (Elementary school is brutal folks. You have to have a lunch crowd.) And it worked. My friend was totally fine and just told me not to use all her hairspray. Cool. I mean, it's a stupid thing to fight over but it was 5th grade- it's not like we had serious things to worry about. But that was probably the first time I ever apologized to someone, and really meant it, and so it was definitely a learning moment for me.

So as an adult, I have always tried my best to be open and honest when I feel like my friend or family member did something that made me mad or upset. And I've always tried to be sincere and honest when I know I've done something to upset them and apologize. And I feel like once an issue is discussed, that should be the end of it. Matt and I learned that through marriage counseling once you fight about something- it's done. You can't EVER bring it up again. Period. Say your peace or hold it forever. And then once you discuss it and work it out, not only do you not bring it up or hold it over someone (whether you were right or wrong) but you also don't rehash it with other people like friends and stuff. And that's hard. I've been guilty of not following through on that sometimes but I really, REALLY try to catch myself.

But as I read this book and I hear the dramas going on with people and I watch TV and I read stupid shit on Facebook and everything else... why doesn't anyone else do this? Why is it so hard to just be honest and open with people? Why do people hold grudges and keep drama alive? Is it really worth losing a friend or family member over? I mean, how many families have been divided because of a stupid fight?

It just seems crazy to me and I don't understand. Maybe that comes with age. I don't know.  I spent the better part of this afternoon thinking about this and wondering how the book will end with all the characters, but then trying to figure out how I can relate to it in my own life.

But what are your thoughts? Why do you think people hold grudges, keep drama alive, etc? Have you dealt with family or friend things like this? How did it end?


Sara said...

Family drama. Eh, it never ends. There is a running joke among my family and it's "Sara's on the shitlist AGAIN.". Most people don't want honesty and thus grudges are born because honesty is construed as judgment. Nobody wants to be judged negatively. It sounds like an interesting book. I don't hold grudges per se, what I do is cut people out of my life that cause drama IN my life. ;)

Jandy xx said...

oh i love this post and agree with you totally. One of the things I hate most about people is their inablility to face up to their wrongs. or even worse, put a "but" into an apology, like "sorry I ate the last chocolate, BUT, in 1995 I had a box of chocolates and you took the last one" just be sincere! I have a lot more respect for someone that admits their mistake than someone who sweeps it under the carpert, or even worse, doesn't even acknowledge it. you've got me worked up now!

Anonymous said...

I've had my share of drama in the past and I'll admit, it probably looked bad from the outside, but my relationship with this person- it was ok between us. That probably doesn't make any sense, but... the third party person got pissed at me and banned dude's sister from being friends with me. I'm still frustrated that that's what it ended up being, but... I did play my part in it as well. I think you come to learn though from the past. Friendships/relationships etc. If you haven't, then yes it IS you. I think we have similar situations happen in our lives- always given that opportunity to learn. So sometimes you'll meet that person who reminds you of a past person. It's up to you to learn from past mistakes. Grudges though are beyond stupid. You're right- most people don't care. Anyone who "dislikes" me etc can pretty much go F themselves, because I don't care. Aging has done wonders because I know when to let things go and when things aren't worth it. Some people just never do. I'll have to add that book on my list of things to read :)

Unknown said...

I don't know that I have ever really gotten into the whole 'drama' thing. If I did someone wrong and it was my fault, I apologized and if they didn't accept my apology then pfftt.

I am quite guilty of bringing up past arguments with the hubby though, mostly because nothing ever gets resolved around here (he always forgets or gets lost in the discussion.)

Julie H said...

There are a few people, that I hold a grudge about, that I just really don't care if I ever talk to them again because they aren't people worth having in my life. I think sometimes you just get to a point where enough is enough and you are DONE!

of course that works better when they aren't family. My mom has problems with so many people and at one point you have to wonder, is it really everyone else? I've kind of started thinking about that with myself too. Maybe there is a reason I don't have many friends. Maybe I'm just weird ;)

Oilfield Trash said...

I am not sure why people hold grudges.

IF you ever find out, you should write a book.

I don't hold a grudge with anyone, but I sure as fuck don't ever forget someone's assholery.

Ang said...

first and foremost - I hate Dr. Phil.

Now that we've got that out of the way - I hold grudges. It's something I've been working on as an adult and I can honestly say I don't hold them to a drama-ish degree. I don't involve anyone else in it, and I don't shove it in the persons face. I deal with it within myself. I DON'T do drama, period.

It's never been a repeating pattern for me, but the few times something has caused a relationship (of any degree) to end - I've been hurt or confused or something. If it's been on bad terms I hold a grudge because I get so pissed off. Sometimes it's as simple as 'why the fuck can't this person see what the fuck they are doing' (usually it's more than just me they are ending relationships with).

Talking to people sometimes produces no results. It's easy to forgive, as I grow older, but I still haven't gotten to the 'forget' part.

Jen @ Dear Mommy Brain said...

I wish I knew the answers because I get so frustrated with peoples' behavior. What is it that draws us to drama? Is it human nature? Do we not have anything more important to worry about? Are we just an egocentric society?

I do my best to steer clear of it all, but it's not always easy. And I do love me some reality tv on occasion. But I've actually taken a step back from my mom because every time I talk to her all she does is complain. And I just don't want that in my life. Not that we don't talk or see each other anymore. Just not as often.

I would love to see more people looking for the right in the world, rather than the wrong.

SpiritPhoenix said...

You've inspired me to think a little more about discussing a major issue I have with two friends.

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

I hold random grudges. Mostly for the entertainment value. Almost 20 years ago I was fired from a job I enjoyed for the spurious reason that I didn't call in for the weekly schedule by a specific time (which was not a rule) He also fired my two coworkers for the same reason that day. We stopped in to get our checks the next day and saw that all our replacements were working. Basically we were fired because he was tired of brunette bartenders & wanted blonds.

I still carry a grudge about it & whenever anyone says "Name sometime you were treated unfairly" I can bring up the exact fury & indignation, not to mention the desire to slash his tires, that I had 20 years ago.

But told in full, multi paragraph, slightly exaggerated form it is actually a very funny story & if I stopped being angry about it it wouldn't be as funny.

Mostly though I think there is a line between remembering what a person did to you so you don't put yourself in that position again, and actively sitting around thinking "That rat bastard! I hate him! I'll get him. He'll pay. Can you believe what a jackass he is?" over and over again. I'm all about forgiving. Forgetting though...that depends on circumstances

Dana said...

The older I get, the more I steer clear of the drama in other's lives as it is so unnecessary most of the time. I've lost a friend over it before.

I don't consider myself a grudge holder and I forgive and forget but there are two grudges I haven't been able to let go of in my life. One was the guy who I lost my virginity to. He was a f'ing jerk and took advantage of my naivety. The second is my old boss. After 6 years of working for the company, she fired me. Long story but it was a medical reason and she tricked me into using a vacation day and the fired me for it. Whatevs. I don't think about these people on a daily basis but if I spend enough time talking about it, I get mad at them.