Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Shit my kids say. And why my Kitchen Aid mixer is awesome.

I've had some really fantastic conversations with my kids as of late and I would be a terrible person if I failed to share them. Because if these aren't proof that I should be in charge of raising lots of kids, I don't know what would be.

Setting: Our upstairs bathroom Monday morning while I get ready for work.
Me: Jackson, you need to come in here and go potty before you pee all over your room again.
Jackson: Ok mama!
(he comes into bathroom)
Me: And don't forget to put the potty seat on the toilet. And tuck your peepee.
Jackson: I know. If I don't, it sprays! It sprays everywhere! Sometimes in my face! (insert non stop Jackson laugh here). Or it sprays all over the wall! It just be flippin out.
Me: *blank stare*

Setting: In the car today on the way to the grocery store.
Olivia: Hey mom! Did you know when you stick your finger in your ear it feels weird?
Me: Um... I guess?
Olivia: And then if you smell that finger it smells weird?
Jackson: Like a stinky shoe!
Me: Um.. why would you smell it?
Olivia: And it tastes really bad!
Jackson: Yuck!
Me: *gag*

Setting: Our upstairs closet putting things away.
Olivia: Mom- what are these?
(she grabs a box of tampons)
Me: Things you don't need right now.
O: What are they called though?
Me: Tampons. Just put them back.
O: Are these those things that you stick in your butt so you don't pee blue?
Me: Uh.. yeah. That's exactly what you do. But you don't need them until you're old.
O: Because you're old. I have a friend at school who said she put a crayon in her butt. And that's gross.
Me: I think you should limit play time with that friend. And don't ever stick anything into your butt. Ever.

Setting: Waking Jackson up this morning.
Me: Jackson! It's time to get up stinky monkey!!
Jackson: NO. I'm still tired.
Me: Join the club, but let's go so we aren't late. You need to use the bathroom.
(he goes to the bathroom but I notice he's just standing there with his pants and underwear down)
Me: Jackson- what's the problem? Do you need help getting on today?
Jackson: It be sticking out. It won't go down.
Me: What won't go down? (as I come into the bathroom and realize that Jackson? Has morning wood and it's sticking straight out and spraying pee onto the wall)
Me: Oh Jackson. Get on the toilet!!
Jackson: HAHAHAHAHA--- it be stickin out! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Like an arrow!!! HAHAHA!!

(as he continues to spray the wall, towel, and rug. Ew.)
Setting: Putting Olivia to bed the other night.
Olivia: Guess what?
Me: What, babe?
Olivia: I love Justin Bieber.
Me: Oh dear god.

Anyways. So remember how I said I was taking a cake decorating class? Well that's tomorrow, so my homework was to make two batches of frosting, bring a cake, and gather some other supplies. So I made my box mix cake because I'm not yet adventurous to try something new yet. It's currently in it's round cake pans because (shocker) I can't get them out? I sprayed them with the non stick spray (liberally) like the box said and those fuckers are stuck. God dammit. I'm going to try to get them out one more time tonight before I give up and buy a plain cake tomorrow.

And my frosting? Well the first batch I did with my hand mixer piece of shit. I rarely use it, but seeing how the instructor used her hand mixer no problem last week, I figured I'd save myself the time and trouble of hauling out my big Kitchen Aid. So I add my ingredients together (one at a time like suggested) and at the end? It looks crumbly. I added enough water and I'm afraid if I add more it'll get too runny. So I decided to try the big mixer. Because maybe I suck with a hand mixer.

As it turns out, I suck with a hand mixer. The second batch (with the same ingredients and amounts) is perfect. Um, what the fuck? I don't care because it worked. So I'll bring both to class because HEY- one can of Crisco is only two cups? And I need a cup for each batch. Sommabitch. So I'll obviously be buying a lot of Crisco and powdered sugar in the next couple of months.


middle child said...

I um....I. What?

Anonymous said...

lol your kids are just precious. I think this should be a weekly feature or at least happen more often ;)

Dana said...

These made me laugh! Good luck with your cake fiascos!

Jo-Anne's Ramblings said...

Ok when baking cakes I use baking paper to line the cake tin so it doesn't stick............ next children are just so funny that say the cutes things and the funniest things at the same time.

Julie H said...

I've found if we wait too long to take the cakes out of the pans they stick like that. You just have to wait a bit and then flip them over on a cooling rack.

Kattrina said...

Kids are hilarious!

And here are my cake decorating hints (I actually decorate cakes a lot and have every possible cake decorating tool imaginable):

1) I wouldn't use non-stick spray to line the cake pan like Pam because that doesn't work. Don't use butter either. Use Crisco and then make sure that you take some of the cake mix and shake it around the pan so that it sticks to the Crisco. If there are spots that the mix doesn't stick to - add more Crisco and then add more mix.

2) The best think to use is Wilton's cake release. BEST STUFF EVER. It works like a charm and your cake will never stick. If I head to JoAnn's any time soon I will pick some up for you. It's fabulous and your cake will never stick again.

3) Don't buy the tubs of Crisco, buy the bars. They look kinda like butter sticks and come in packages of three. The sticks are labeled so you can easily cut 1/3 cup or 1/2 cup without scooping it out. Much better then the tubs. And make sure you sift the powdered sugar and add it a cup at a time because otherwise it turns clumpy. And I wouldn't add water to frosting, I'd add milk or corn syrup to make it thinner.

Ok - that's all I've got for you. Hopefully it's helpful!!!

Ruth said...

At first the frosting will be crumbly. Just keep the mixer going and it will get creamy.