Thursday, September 13, 2012

Reason 73 why it sucks to be a parent.

I'm nothing if not honest. I'm a very upfront person when it comes to topics I know about and I believe in being informed. And it's my job to inform you of the horrors of parenting.

Today was Olivia's seven year well child check up, which was no big deal. She is on average for height and weight and her doctor flat out said I should try to fatten her up a little. At seven years old, this girl is only 43 pounds.

The highlight of the day obviously, was the flu shot. Olivia had one last year and did just fine. Jackson has never had one, but now that he is in school I feel like he needs one to because those kids look questionable and germy. So I've been talking up the flu shot so I don't have hysterics. I've got the knack for making my kids calm down and not get worked up, and this works. It always has.

So when the nurse came back, who they love, I had them take their pants off and get in line. Both were happy as can be and excited to be germ free. (And by the way, I know they can have the Flu Mist but neither kid wanted something squirted up their nose and I don't blame them.)

Olivia's was to go first so she laid down, started to whimper and I quick whispered to her "Be quiet- I need you to show Jackson it does not hurt." So she whimpered a little longer, tears came, but she kept it together pretty well. She hopes off and with tears in her eyes tells Jackson it doesn't hurt. Atta girl!

But Jackson clearly is not an idiot and is in the process of pulling his pants back up. He is having no part of this at all. So it's me holding Jackson mid air with Olivia and the nurse trying to get his pants off. This kid suddenly gained 30 pounds, I'm struggling, his pants just barely come off. Then I get him on the table and he is screaming like nothing I've ever heard. I'm sure everyone in the building heard him. He is thrashing, he is screaming, and I'm in awe because I have never seen this out of him. Ever. This is my kid who has never cried at shots. Ever.

So then he decides we can do the shot with him on my lap. That last two seconds until we realized that I could not hold him well enough. So then I convince him to lay down and I will hug him. He goes back to screaming and it was horrifying. So then I told her just to god damn do it, so it took all that I had to hold two arms, a torso, and a leg and not get myself pricked. It was so hard. And then she does it and the screaming goes up 1000 and I'm like WHOA. There goes my damn ear drum.

And then he was totally fine and laughing. LAUGHING, people.

I joked with the nurse that we should have done a before and after of my blood pressure. Seriously.

I fucking hate doctors appointments, I hate having to hold my child down, I hate all of it. Which is why I usually make Matt do it when there is shots because he is much better. They know he doesn't have the soft spot for tears like I do. But he didn't want to go and quite honestly, it makes sense to just get both flu shots done at once.

But yeah. That was horrible. And it reminds me that I absolutely hate shots. It was so traumatic. But then Jackson says to me afterwards, "Mama? I won't scream like that when I get my shot for chicken pops."

Praise Jesus.

So don't have babies unless you are totally OK with holding your baby down just to inflict pain on them. Life lesson, yo.


ComfyMom~Stacey said...

I remember those 4 month vaxes. There were supposed to be 4 of them at once and I was on board with it right up until the nurses came in with the needles. Then suddenly I became a delayed vax'er because I just couldn't cope with them sticking 4 needles in my baby while I held him. Fortunately my doc was all "eh, whatevs, here's the delayed vax plan we recommend if you want to go that way"
And then 4 years later I had to lie to the state and say we were religious fanatics to get the vax waiver so he could go to preschool. He had all his shots by the end of the year, I just think too many at once is a bad idea.

Julie H said...

I'll take my chances with the flu ;)

____j said...

I'm totally prepared for Adelei to be a crier [is that a word?], because I was. And even though this post was not supposed to be funny, Jackson's comment totally made me chuckle.

Julie H said...

Shout out to you on my blog

Shannon @ Bungalow960 said...

My brother had to get stitches for the second time around Jackson's age. They had to put him in this straightjacket thing. My mom said it was more traumatizing for her than for him. Freaking kids.